Ilal

Untitled Part 27

 It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Lar Thomas, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly pleased, Lar Thomas punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved Ice creamed sock was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Choicabaka Lauauaua. Lar Thomas had known Choicabaka Lauauaua for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Choicabaka Lauauaua was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... pestering. Lar Thomas called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Choicabaka Lauauaua picked up to a very nervous Lar Thomas. Choicabaka Lauauaua calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually charismatically belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Lar Thomas. Why was Choicabaka Lauauaua trying to distract Lar Thomas? Because he had snuck out from Lar Thomas's with the Ice creamed sock only ten days prior. It was a eccentric little Ice creamed sock... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Lar Thomas got back to the subject at hand: his Ice creamed sock. Choicabaka Lauauaua yawned. Relunctantly, Choicabaka Lauauaua invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Ice creamed sock. Lar Thomas grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Choicabaka Lauauaua realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Ice creamed sock and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Lar Thomas took the Jap Trap, he had take at least nine minutes before Lar Thomas would get there. But if he took the Broken down truck that is ugly af? Then Choicabaka Lauauaua would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Choicabaka Lauauaua was interrupted by five oafish Dem Bad Puddless that were lured by his Ice creamed sock. Choicabaka Lauauaua shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he thoughtfully reached for his wolverine and aimlessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Broken down truck that is ugly af rolling up. It was Lar Thomas.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Lar Thomas was out of the Broken down truck that is ugly af and went explosively jaunting toward Choicabaka Lauauaua's front door. Meanwhile inside, Choicabaka Lauauaua was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Ice creamed sock into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his time machine. Choicabaka Lauauaua was stunned but at least the Ice creamed sock was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Choicabaka Lauauaua scandalously purred. With a deft push, Lar Thomas opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish rationality-deprived retard in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Choicabaka Lauauaua assured him. Lar Thomas took a seat right next to where Choicabaka Lauauaua had hidden the Ice creamed sock. Choicabaka Lauauaua turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Lar Thomas was distracted. Just as zero people expected Choicabaka Lauauaua noticed a stupid look on Lar Thomas's face. Lar Thomas slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Choicabaka Lauauaua felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Lar Thomas asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Ice creamed sock right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Lar Thomas's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lar Thomas nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Choicabaka Lauauaua could react, Lar Thomas thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Ice creamed sock was plainly in view.

Lar Thomas stared at Choicabaka Lauauaua for what what must've been two millseconds. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Choicabaka Lauauaua groped sassily in Lar Thomas's direction, clearly desperate. Lar Thomas grabbed the Ice creamed sock and bolted for the door. It was locked. Choicabaka Lauauaua let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lar Thomas,' he rebuked. Choicabaka Lauauaua always had been a little dimwitted, so Lar Thomas knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Choicabaka Lauauaua did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his Ice creamed sock tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Choicabaka Lauauaua looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lar Thomas. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Lar Thomas. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Choicabaka Lauauaua walked over to the window and looked down. Lar Thomas was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Lar Thomas was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Choicabaka Lauauaua's place. Lar Thomas had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dem Bad Puddless suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Ice creamed sock. One by one they latched on to Lar Thomas. Already weakened from his injury, Lar Thomas yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dem Bad Puddless running off with his Ice creamed sock.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Lar Thomas's Ice creamed sock. Feeling worried, God smote the Dem Bad Puddless for their injustice. Then He got in His Jap Trap and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 20 albino cats running from a misshapen pack of Indonesian devil cats. Lar Thomas ran with joy when he saw this. His Ice creamed sock was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes his favorite TV show, Baradnic Acid , was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet ebola'). Lar Thomas was giddy. And so, everyone except Choicabaka Lauauaua and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.