She's GONE - A Fifty Shades Fanfiction

~Chapter 17 - Sarah ~

Taking a deep breath, I let it out through my nose and till I was able to breathe again. I was tired and weary of everything. To top it off, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, they were big and fat, began rolling down my face. I wiped them quickly away. What did I say to that? Really? It was nothing compared to what Hyde did to me. I can't even begin to describe what that was. I need to forget.

"To be honest, I should just run and hide from everything I've been through."

The doctor looked surprised. I think I must've caught him off guard for the moment. He seemed quite, still, unsure of what to say next.

"But I can't..." I reassured the doctor. I think if I did leave Christian, it would cut to the quick for him and I. He was a part of me, and I was a part of him. Leaving would kill us both. "He saved me." Why would I want to leave him?

When we came back to the penthouse last night, I tried blocking out everything that Hyde did to me, but the one thing that I was sure about, actually clear on, Christian saved me. It was all I had wanted being held captive. I would imagine him kicking the doors down and rescuing me. To be in his arms. Protected.

The moment I saw him, I ran to him, clinging to him, and crying happy tears.

"We have a connection that I've never had with anyone – I love him."

The memory of Ana coming to my rescue shot to the forefront of my mind. She asked me what Hyde did. I lied. I did not want her to worry nor did I want Christian to either. I just wanted out of that horrible place. I keep seeing it in my dreams. No, my nightmares. It kept replaying like someone hit the rewind button.

Will it ever stop?

I think that was why I pushed Christian away last night, keeping him at arm's length. I couldn't tell him what happened, but I know he suspected something. What good will it do to say it him now? Hyde is dead and gone. My experience with Hyde would go no further than Flynn if he asked. If not, it shall stay with me.

"How do you feel about his secret?"

I knew that was coming.

"How do I feel?" I had to think really about that, dig deep inside me, allow myself to feel what I had pushed down deep. I swallowed nervously, fidgeting with my hands in my lap. The doctor was so patient with me as he waited for me to speak. "The sex with Christian is beyond anything I've ever experienced; to explore it on a deeper, more sensual level that definitely interests me. That was never the issue."

I knew I didn't exactly answer his question. I could tell he was about to ask the question again.

"How did you feel?"

"It took me by surprise when Elena told me."

It wasn't so much the idea of Christian and BDSM; a lot of people are into that and have healthy relationships. It was Elena telling me. That was what hit me the hardest. It felt like she sucker punched me in the gut, I couldn't breathe. He just sat there being subservient to Elena. That just made it worse for me. It was the last straw, I bolted up from my chair, and I ran.

"I had to hear it from Elena instead of him. I know he was trying to tell me, but she butted in. Wouldn't let him even speak, and he let her. That doesn't sit well with me. I wanted to hear from him."

Dr. Flynn scribbled on his pad.

"How did you feel about Elena being the one to break the secret?"

"Oh, doc, you don't want to know how I am feeling about that!"

If I ever catch that woman anywhere near Christian or I, she and I were going to have a word.

"Sounds as if you have some unexplored anger against Elena."