promises.

29

"Dad, I have had a horrible day today. Besides the fact that mom is going to kill me for having pink hair and a ring in my lip, but hey, it looks really cool. I mean, I did get a Ferrari, which was always your dream car, but I feel like something's missing. I feel like I shouldn't be missing you or Noah anymore. Noah cheated on me, yet, I still liked him for the short month I was with him. I knew he flirted with a lot of girls and whatnot, but I never expected it would go as far as one night stands. He constantly said "no babe it's you and only you." Yeah, bullshit. Have you ever had someone cheat on you? It feels like crap, doesn't it? If I'm going to be a second option for them ，I'd rather them not choose me. I'd rather be someone's first and only choice than someone's second and backup. You know what I mean?" The day went by really really quickly, and to my surprise , my mom was okay with the hair, but the piercing she'd have to warm up to. Is it too much to ask to just disappear and never come back?
I'm not saying I want to die，but if a bus hit me and I survived, I'd probably thank the driver.. it's so much for someone who has a lot of struggles and rough patches in their life to expect them to be happy on the "happiest day of the year" , when really, for me, it's the saddest. The only time I smiled today was when I was with Riley, sleeping. That was it. I haven't smiled a real smile in over year, and I need to know why or how I can really smile and feel happy again. I missed the weightless feeling like I could do anything and have no consequences.
I missed the feeling of smiling and laughing and being happy and lighting up everyone else's lives and days.
I missed being alright. I'm tired of being upset all the time. I'm tired of thinking I'm a nobody, I'm tired of thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm tired of being tired. But now,it doesn't feel like sadness anymore. God I've been sad for so long that now I just feel numb.
I don't feel anything anymore.
Whenever someone insults me, the words just bounce off of me and go through one ear and out the other. I know I'm in love. That's one feeling I know will never leave from me. I  know I'm depressed, I just don't know how I can be sad and happy at the same time. Or the feeling that no one understands me, no one's there for me.
Someone can say to you "I'll always be there for you." And then the year after that, you don't speak to them anymore because of some gossip they refused to tell you. Someone can say to you "you're beautiful." Or "you're hot." But in reality, you'll never believe it until you hear it from the one you love. Am I right dad? I really hope that this isn't just useless trash that I'm gonna throw away in a few months anyway. I hope that in 10 years from now, when I'm 27 and you're 50, maybe you'll look at me and say "I told you so." You'll tell me "do you remember when you were seventeen and said you wanted to die? Well look at you now, laying down on the bed, with the one you've loved all your life beside you and your baby girl on your chest eating chips. Life is short, but when you grow up, cherish the beautiful things, life really is good son, make sure you're here to see the good parts of it." Me imagining you saying that has made me want to grow up, it's made me become a stronger person. It's made me see this world as a better place. I want to wake up in the middle of the night one time, and  hear my daughter crying because she wants food. I would be super tired, but I would feed her anyway. I want her to come up to me when she's ten years old, and ask me why she doesn't have a mommy, and I would explain to her about homosexual marriages and I'd teach her about equality. I want her to come up to me when she's fifteen and introduce me to her new girlfriend. I want her to invite me to her wedding when she's ready. I want to be in the crowd cheering for her graduations, and her sports teams. I want her to go off to college or university with a passion about what she's learning. I just want to be the best dad I can be. I want to give her the dad that I never had. I'd tell her about you, and how you would have been the best grandfather any child could ask for. Mom will make the best grandmother ever. I want to see the beautiful things in life, I want to see me and my children grow older, and I want them to take care of me when I'm old and gray. I want Riley to be beside me saying "happy eightyith birthday." I want all that, but at the same time, I just want it all to be over with. I know there's a point to life, there's just no point in thinking about it at this point in my life. I'd also warn my daughter that if any nasty girl or nasty boy breaks her heart, I have shot guns in my garage. I want to still be touring and making music when I'm a bit older, and I want to hear the audience cheering my name and asking for encores. I want to travel out of North America. Maybe to France or Sweden or something. Somewhere foreign and somewhere nice. I want to learn how to surf and how to skii. I want to learn how to skate properly and I want to get kicked out of a public place. I want to go to a party and get drunk, then learn from the next morning not to do it again ，then go out again the next night and do it again, simply because I can, because I'm a teenager ，because I'm young and stupid. Life is too short to look at the negative aspects of it, when there are so many beautiful moments waiting for me. Life is a gift that not everyone gets to expierience. I'm glad that I will be able to and that I can, because I want to see what all those things are like, I want to hold up my diploma and go off to college for a few years before starting a full time job. I want to turn 30, wipe away my tears and say "I made it." I want to live, I don't want to be 40, sitting alone somewhere and say to myself "god, why didn't I do that when I wanted to?" I want to make mistakes when I'm younger so my friends and I will have things to laugh about when we're older. We're going to be the ones asking which selfie to post on social medias, and playing tag in the nursing homes. And when one of us passes, we'll be upset, but we'll be greatful that we can cherish the memories that we had together. I want to finally be able to smile and laugh and not want to cry inside, I want to get out there, I want to make a difference, I want to make this world and my future a better place. And because of you and Riley, I've finally found that motivation. So thank you. I hope you'll follow me on this journey as I continue to share everything with you. But maybe, someone else will talk to you too."