After the war, Peeta Mellark is left scarred, hijacked, and broken. After many weeks of rehabilitation, he is finally allowed to return home to District 12. But there is nothing left except a girl he was programmed to hate. He tries to overcome thos...
(Ayyyyyyy guys I'm back sorry that this took so long to write)
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Peeta
I've had such foolish thoughts, with these dreams that seem so real they unhinge my sense of reality for a bit before the transition terrifies me out of sleep altogether. I recognize the quality of them to be the work of Tracker Jacker venom. Katniss doesn't know about them, when I wake she is sleeping soundly right next to me. Usually I stay up long after her own nightmares come and go. It's only been a few times when I jolt awake so hard that it awakens her. She presses on and on about telling her about it all, but I don't dare reveal the truth about those dreams.
It's been weeks since I threw out my pills. I've kept regrettably lying to Dr. Aurelius about it every time he calls. He pressures me about it, but he doesn't seem too worried, I think he trusts me. It's possible he's put his complete trust in me after how much I've helped Katniss. I've kept my troubles hidden, any realistic hallucinations, horrifying dreams, or flashes of forceful urges to do dangerous things I don't want to do, are fully ignored.
I keep telling myself that I can control myself now, but there's this nagging voice in the back of my mind, one that I keep pushing away, that constantly screams at me about how foolish I am, that things are only getting worse, and eventually they'll have to put me down like a rabid animal.
Maybe I haven't done anything because I'm terrified about what will happen. I could unconsciously injure Katniss, Dr. Aurelius would lose all trust in me and keep me locked up in that mental institute forever... I desperately remind myself about how nothing has happened yet. Whenever I'm with Katniss I can almost easily shoo away anything unwanted in my thoughts. When she's out hunting for hours, she thinks I'm painting a picture or baking something for new townspeople, and I try to, but I'm really not. I let out all of the pent up madness that keeps mysteriously appearing whenever I'm with her.
Sometimes I lock myself in the closet to keep myself from breaking anything in the house. I think of the hand cuffs I had during my journey through the Capitol, and once again use pain to ease myself away from the insanity. Other times I find myself in random rooms of the house, because I'd blindly wandered there through the hijacked madness. The most scary part of it is that it's so unpredictable, sometimes it's over quickly, other times it's lasted up to when Katniss comes home. It's never serious, but I always have to come up with something to say in the moment so she doesn't suspect anything. I don't know for sure whether she believes me or not, the concerned glare never leaves her expression when I tell her my made up stories.
The remaining memories that are still jumbled up, the lingering guilt over tragic deaths, the never-ending blame on Katniss that seems to always be the resolution to all of my struggles. Wherever the slumber takes me, she's there, and every time I see her, a forced fear rattles through my body. When I wake up she's still there, but consciousness helps me realize that her being there is a good thing, but everything is left confused by the realization. I want this awful war between the hopelessly in love feeling and the fearfully murderous one.
