Remade (After Mockingjay Story)

Chapter 7 - Comfort

Katniss

My neck is swelling, when I look in the mirror I see bruised coloring already starting to form under torn skin. I grab an ice pack from the freezer before stumbling outside into the nighttime darkness. My porch lights blink on and I tiredly trudge over to Peeta's front door. I immediately grab the handle and turn but it won't budge, he's locked the door. I go around to the back door and do the same, also locked.

"Peeta!" My raspy voice utters. "Peeta! Please let me in! I'm fine! It's not your fault!"

In the intense silence I think I hear a thump coming from somewhere in the house. I knock again, but he still doesn't come. Suddenly an upsetting thought seeps into my mind, a realization that maybe he's scared, scared of himself because he's scared of me. I don't like the idea of him suffering on his own, but maybe I'm making things worse.

Of course I'm making things worse, that's how this happened in the first place. Peeta's natural kind nature led him on to push through those nightmares just to comfort me from mine. I'm so selfish, I can't believe I couldn't see this sooner. I back away from his door, away from his house, I suddenly feel like I'm intruding.
But I'm so torn, would leaving him be helping him or hurting him?

Throughout the entirety of a whole week, I don't see Peeta once. I'm tempted by worry to go check on him, but I'm quickly reminded of how I'm the monster he's hiding from.
When Dr. Aurelius calls, I continue to tell him I'm fine, but I can't seem to mention Peeta to him, I have a bad feeling about what would happen if I did.
The nights are restless, I can only stare at the ceiling or close my eyes while telling myself that I'm brave enough to sleep through a simple nightmare, I can't be so pathetic. In reality I really am so pathetic. Not only do I wake up with cold sweat and dry tears, but now I have that looming guilt about Peeta every moment I spend without him here.

I spend most of my time in woods. The windy trees and the hot sun have always comforted me, not in the same way as they used to, but they still do. I visit the lake near the heart of these woods, where my father taught me how to swim, one of the many things he taught me how to do that ended up saving my life, and I'll never be able to thank him for it. I visit the fields, the giant grassy hills that are perfect to relax in, but it somehow feels wrong for me to do it by myself. I don't know how to explain why, I guess the selfishness I'm guilty of makes me feel like I don't deserve to enjoy such a beautiful place in nature.
I visit the flower bushes and the climbing trees. Of course I think of Prim, my beautiful flower that slipped right through my fingers. After my nightmares Peeta always told me that the best thing I can do is accept her as a constant presence, and welcome it as a good thing because it's not like wherever she is she's hurting in any way,

"She's watching out for you, because you've done so much for everyone else.

Prim will always be happy when you're happy Katniss.

You wouldn't want her to see you like this, especially when she's the reason why?
People feel sad and guilty when they are the reason that another person is hurting."

I push away the memory of Peeta, I can't think of him because it'll make me miss him more than I already do, then it'll all lead me back to guilt.

I can't help but think of Gale, who was the one who had spent most of the time with me here. We admired the flowers and climbed the trees, picked fruit and hunted the animals. Only now I can only think of a certain coldness that had been stricken into him in the end, but now that I think about it, maybe it was always there. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, I assume Gale has moved on from me by now.
There's some sort of steady calmness that comes from the concentration I focus on when I hunt, it's a different feeling apart from when I have a hunting partner, and I like it in its own way.