The Littlest Things

Star

Note: I wrote something for Got to Believe and it was hopeful. I wrote something for Pangako Sa'yo at ang bitter bitter ng tunog ko, please. Hahaha. This is a short one. Hope you like it. Comment? Vote?

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"Say something."

The rest of the Kusyna staff left the two of us alone in the kitchen, perhaps upon Takong's discreet order, and so we stood face to face between counters with merely one meter of cautious space to separate us. I was trying my best to avoid looking at her face when I heard her speak first.

"Say something."

"Ha?" I asked, feigning ignorance but also feeling very confused.

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?" Yna waited for my reply, but hell, I could be an asshole if I wanted to, so I didn't give her one. Sensing my defiance, she changed her stance and crossed her arms to her chest.

"Seriously, Angelo? Wala ka bang sasabihin? Okay lang ba yung trabaho mo? Wala ka bang irereport-"

I cut her off with a scoff. "Yna, hindi tayo iniwan nila Takong dito para mag-report ako sa'yo kung may mali ba sa mga luto ko o kung may nagawa ba kong mali dito sa restaurant mo." By the look on her face, I knew she was building more walls around her, to protect herself from me, to guard her against the person who loves her more than anyone else in the world. It made me angry.

"Ano ba kasing gusto mong sabihin ko? Hindi mo ba nakikita? Pinipilit kong kalimutan ka, Yna."

"Then say it. Sabihin mo! Ewan ko. Gusto kong malaman kung anong iniisip mo. Kung galit ka ba. Kung totoo bang okay lang sa'yo na maiwan dito sa restaurant ko. Kung galit ka ba sa mga desisyon ko," she said, looking exasperated and exhausted and everything that I sincerely wished to comfort in my arms but I couldn't.

"Pag sinabi ko bang galit ako, babalik ka sa'kin?" I asked, knowing the answer. She simply looked at me, so I went on. "Oo, galit ako. Galit ako kasi hirap na hirap na nga akong kalimutan ka pero sa bawat sulok ng lugar na 'to, ikaw lang naiisip ko. At mas galit ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko magawang pabayaan 'tong restaurant mo kasi pangarap mo 'to, eh. Pangarap mo to." I looked at her straight in the eye and saw that she was hurting, and if it was up to me, I'd sew her skin on mine, help her fulfill her dreams, and never let her leave, but it was never up to me.

"Pwede ka namang umalis kung gusto mo," she finally offered. It stung how easy it was for her to let me go.

"Masaya ka ba?" I blurted out, ready to break.

She paused a bit. "Oo," she lied. I know better.

"Bat mo ginagawa 'to, Yna? Awa? Utang na loob? Takot? Hinahayaan mo silang i-blackmail ang emosyon mo para makuha yung gusto nila?" The words spilled from my mouth and I wasn't able to stop them. 

"Mahal ko si David," she answered too quickly, her head bent, her voice sounding unsure.

"Mas mahal mo ba siya kesa sa'kin?"

She suddenly looked up, her eyes showing her emotions but they were gone as fast as they appeared. Then, she pretended to be angry.

"Hindi ka pa rin pala nagbabago, no? Ganyan ka pa din ba ka-presko para isipin na ikaw lang pwede kong mahalin?"

"Bakit, Yna?" I challenged. " Anong pagmamahal ba yan? Tuwing nakikita mo siya, anong nararamdaman mo? Gusto mo ba siyang halikan? Gusto mo ba siyang hawakan? Gusto mo bang magmarka yung mga kuko mo sa balat niya para malaman ng mundo na sa'yo siya? Gusto mo ba siyang yakapin hindi dahil kailangan mo ng masasandalan pero dahil hinahanap-hanap siya ng kaluluwa mo? Ganun ba, Yna? Kapag nakikita mo siya tuwing umaga, nararamdaman mo bang sumugal ka? Na nanalo ka?" Her eyes were brimming with tears but she willed them to stop from falling. I felt like crying, too. "Sabihin mo lang na hindi, Yna, kaya kong magpaka-tanga para sa'yo. Kaya kong maghintay hanggang handa ka nang hindi umalis sa tabi ko."

"Mahal ko si David," she answered, robotic, her eyes hollow, defeated.

"Maraming klase ng pagmamahal, Yna. Mahal ko si Kabayan pero hindi sa ganung paraan." I forced myself to grin at my own joke that didn't even feel funny. She didn't even crack a smile. I turned and walked away. She didn't follow.

Three nights later, I was sitting inside Lolo Greggy's home while Kabayan made his lame but weirdly-funny jokes, with Ate Monay nestled peacefully by his side. It was a rainy evening and they cuddled so comfortably that I couldn't help but be jealous. My father was out to make time for his own romance and Lia was busy talking to Amboy over the phone. I sighed, feeling my heart threatening to break again, then glanced towards Lolo Greggy's direction only to find him already looking at me, concern etched on his face. I gave him a smile. He smiled back.

A few minutes passed and there was a knock on the door. It was soft and tentative at first, then it became louder and louder. I stood up, so Kabayan and Ate Monay could cuddle uninterrupted, and as I made my way towards the door, I had an inexplicable feeling that my life was about to change. It was a funny feeling because my life had changed so many times already, but there I was, desperate for another change to come. 

When I reached the door handle, my poor heart had to hesitate, not wanting to hope too much. It was probably a minute's worth of hesitation, of me staying rooted to the spot, before Lolo Greggy, bless his good heart, clapped a reassuring hand on my back and opened the door for me.

She stood there, holding a slightly large bag, holding her breath, her face silhouetted by the streetlamp, her hair damp and sticking on her neck, and I didn't mind that the sky was cloudy and there was no single star in sight because when she stepped into the light by the doorway of my new family's home, I saw her eyes, and while they were puffy and apologetic, they were also happy, really happy, like they were ready to make a promise, and I knew right then and there that she's the only star I needed.

"Pwede pa?" Yna asked.

A single tear fell embarrassingly from my eye. "Ikaw pa ba," I answered.