Shadowburn (2)

Chapter 8

She looked at him, chin in the palm of one hand, for a long minute. His words were logical, but... she didn't know if she agreed. If she could get them back... if she had to choose... but no. That was ridiculous, foolish even to think about.

She wouldn't want them back. It was like she'd told him before, back in the Nox: it's worse when they come back. She knew that, knew it all too well. She spent every day worrying that she would lose Thorn again--but Andreas' words made her think, really think.

If she hadn't gotten him back... if she'd lost him, if he'd truly died because of her just like everyone else... would that pain be worse than the fear? She remembered the agony of it, the way everything inside her had shriveled up into nothing and then just... drifted away. Ash on the wind.

And then when he'd come back, how hard it was to let him in again, how hard he'd worked and fought to force his way into her heart. How angry she'd been with him.

And to lose him now, after all of that... she couldn't even begin to compare the two. Both were unbelievably painful, impossible to think about, impossible to understand.

If she could chose someone to bring back... how was she supposed to answer that? She had lost so much, so many, and to bring them back, even just one... to bring them back only to lose them again, inevitably... she couldn't imagine it.

She understood what he was saying though, the point of it. The fact that you care more about one thing doesn't mean you don't care about the others. That made sense--but still. That was in the context of people whereas she'd been talking about actions. Before the loss.

But she didn't know how to say that, couldn't put it into words that wouldn't sound as if she didn't understand what he was really saying. So instead she said, "That... makes sense. I think." And smiled at him, just a little, because she wanted to smile.

Because she'd also meant something else, something he'd missed, something he still didn't seem to understand.

Tell me how you appreciate me, he'd said.

He didn't seem to understand that she'd already done that in the best way she knew how. Had already given him something she'd never given anyone else--not even Thorn.

She'd stayed.

She reached for the coffee jug to refill her cup, but frowned at it instead. It was empty. When had that happened? The food was all gone as well... no point to staying in the dining room then. Not when there were things to be done.

She looked back at Andreas, who was staring off into the distance with a thoughtful expression. She stood. "Well, come on then."

"Come where?" He glanced at her, eyebrows furrowed, and she grinned, leaning toward him to put her lips by his ear.

"I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me that tour..."

He reached up and rubbed his temples, as if he was exhausted at the thought of something. She pulled back as he looked at her. "Right now?"

Sin shrugged one shoulder like it didn't matter, looking away. "Not if you don't want to. I can explore on my own."

He sighed deeply, and she moved past him to hide her frown and the flash of... something that she didn't want him to see. Something she didn't want to feel.

He stood, walking ahead of her toward the door. "This way then."

But she just looked at his back for a moment. "Andreas, if you don't want to, don't."

"You can stay there, or you can follow me. Your choice, Djin." He kept walking, and Sin sighed softly as she followed him. This should be fun...