Shadowburn (2)

Chapter 15

Andreas cursed himself mentally. There was so much hurt in her eyes. Sh**, sh**, sh**, sh**, sh**. He was an idiot and now he'd hurt her. Everything was going wrong. But he didn't know how to explain. How did he? He wasn't used to needing to explain.

"Sin," he breathed her name. "I... that's... I..." he cursed under his breath, words failing him. Sin was looking at him, her expression wary.

He took a deep breath. He needed to try to explain this to her. He couldn't bear the look in her eyes, the way she was shutting down -- shutting him out. But the words wouldn't come. He just continued to stare at her, lost in her brilliant blue eyes.

"If you want me to leave, I will," she said, her words barely above a whisper, almost like she was trying to keep the words from spilling out. Andreas cursed himself mentally. "I don't stay where I'm not wanted."

His brows furrowed as he continued to stare into those eyes of hers. "Why..." he started, his voice confused, "why would you possibly think I'd want you to leave?"

He let go of her and turned, pulling his hand through his hair roughly. He stiffened as her words followed him. "Everyone does. I always do things wrong." He barely heard her words, her voice so soft... too soft.

He turned back to her. "You did nothing wrong, Djin. I... " he faltered again. He didn't know how to explain this to her. He was so used to being alone, to having no one. And then she came along and she loved him. He didn't know how that was possible, how she could love someone like him. It had been ten years since anyone dared. But he didn't know how to voice the words. Didn't know how to tell her that he hadn't made sense of his own feelings, that he wasn't yet at a space mentally where he could love her, not the way she needed to be.

After a second, she whispered, "Then why are you looking at me like that?"

His mouth opened, all the words he needed to say lodged in his throat. He couldn't speak. But he needed to explain. He needed to make her understand.

She shook her head. "Nevermind. Just..." she closed her eyes for a minute. "Listen to me, because I'm going to be honest for once in my gods-blasted life, all right?" Andreas could only stare at her, every emotion he'd ever felt, all the pain and hurt open on his face for her to see. He couldn't keep up the mask. Didn't have the mental capability to pretend any longer. His soul was stripped bare for her to see, but she didn't seem to be looking.

"I decided to come here -- I thought very long and very hard about it. I am here -- and have always been here -- because I want to be." The hurt was still visible inside her eyes and Andreas hated that he was the one to put it there simply because he had forgotten how to speak. "Because I want to be with you, Scotty." Determination mingled into the hurt. "Because when I thought about never seeing you again, it hurt. And I don't fully understand that myself, so I don't fault you for not understanding it. Or for not... for not wanting that. That's my fault, and I'm sorry for forcing what I feel on you before you were ready to hear it. I'm not used to having to keep my own heart contained inside my head."

Andreas suddenly hated this Thorn with a burning passion he'd never experienced before. If she communicated her feelings with him so freely -- he had to ball his hands into fists to keep himself under control. Had to remind himself that she was here with him, and not with Thorn. That she'd chosen him. That she loved him.

"Sin... Sin..." he was still trying to find the words she needed to hear, the ones he needed to say. Why was it so difficult? Why couldn't he just open his heart to her the way she had to him? Why were the words still lodged in his throat, unable to get them out.