Only Ever You (Jaythan)

Chapter 15

I locked myself in my room again. But this time, I had a knife with me instead of nothing.

I lay sobbing on my mattress. I didn't bother moving to get food or anything. I couldn't summon the energy to.

I'd let him down. He probably hated me. He was disgusted. I was ugly. Disgusting. Emo. Weak.

Tom and Siva tried talking to me. Never Jay. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

I sat with my back against the door, fiddling with the knife in my hands. Should I?

He'll hate you more.

He hates you now anyway.

You could kill yourself! Don't risk it!

Nothing matters. The love of your life hates you.

Don't cut, for him.

It's an addiction, you can't stop it.

Don't do it!

Do it!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

I held my head in my hands. I tried to fight them off. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screeched, pressing my hands to the sides of my head. I screamed with pain as my wrists began to burn and my head hurt but the voices wouldn't go away they wouldn't stop they wouldn't...

I was vaguely aware that the knife had fallen to the floor. It called to me, promised me relief. I shakily reached for it.

"We have to get this door open," a thick Bolton voice said from the other side of the wood. "I think he's having a panic attack."

"Let him come out when he's ready." Was that Jay's voice?

"Don't you remember what happened last time? We have to get him out of there!"

Max?

Max was home?

And he still cared about me?

How much time had passed?

"What do you honestly think he's going to do?" Jay asked.

"He's got a knife in there, for Jesus Christ..." Siva.

I could hear the silence. Deafening.

"Shit," Jay said quietly. "Shit shit shit."

Fists pounded on the door. "Nathan! Open up!"

I didn't answer. I drew a line on my thumb with the knife. I watched, fascinated, as beads of blood seeped out.

"Nathan, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for reacting the way I did. I love you, please, just open the door."

My heart ached to hear his broken voice. Maybe he did still love me?

"We can talk about this Nath. We can help you. Please. I need you, Nathan. Please open the door."

I bit my lip. Everyone knew I wouldn't do that.

He probably thought I didn't care. He might even think I was already gone.

I couldn't hurt Jay like that. I know he hurt me, but I can't. Even if he doesn't feel that way anymore.

Slowly, carefully. I slipped the knife under the door as a sign of treaty.

If you leave the door closed, I won't cut myself.

I heard him pick up the knife and breathe a sigh of relief. "At least now he won't cut himself," Jay said, still broken.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan," Max called. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry about my actions. I'm sorry for causing this."

I rocked back and forth and didn't reply.