Come home. [ l.s ]

XIX

January 10 , 15:28 - My final entry 2/2

Hello, love.

This is the second part of my final entry in this journal before I leave this journal with you.

Although you won't be able to read the entries in this journal, they'll still be there.

So I'm just going to get right to it because I'm supposed to leave the hospital, but I've asked to stay a bit longer until I have finished this entry. Luckily they allowed me to.

Louis, I never knew that such an amazing person like you would've come into my life. Those long days and nights that we spent together were the best moments of my life. Whether they were just watching shows together or eating dinner together. Going places together, I even enjoyed cleaning with you.

There was never a single moment in time that I didn't enjoy your company. Never. And I'm so thankful that I got to spend those years of my life with you.

And I also am sorry. I know you would be very upset with me if you knew that every day of my life I'm constantly blaming myself for you going missing.

But can you blame me?

If I had never left you alone to go get the ring..

If I had just brought the ring with me..

This could've been so easily avoided if I hadn't made that mistake. You would've been beside me and well if I hadn't gone back to the car.

I'm so sorry, Louis.

I can't tell you enough that I'm sorry.

Ah, but as I said, I'm going to be getting straight to the point.

This morning I woke up at around 5:30. You were still asleep at that time but I went over and gained the courage to hold your hand.

It was so cold and frail, I thought I would've broken it if I had grasped it too tightly.

But it was still the same hand I had known. Your palm, so small in mine as it always had been. I couldn't help but smile, although I still had been crying.

After this, I sang to you.

It's just another night

And I'm staring at the moon

Louis you've been through so much recently, haven't you? You've slept so much. You must really be exhausted.

I saw shooting star and thought of you

You still have a lot of wounds. Some have healed slightly but they still look like they hurt a lot.

I sang a lullaby

By the waterside and knew

Can you tell that you've been saved, Louis? Do you still think you're in that crate that was locked in a basement?

If you were here, I'd sing to you

I wish you wouldn't sleep. Not that I don't want you to be at rest, but because I miss looking into your eyes.

You're on the other side

As the skyline splits in two

Did you miss me, Louis? It couldn't have been nearly as much as I had missed you..

Miles away from seeing you

I was so worried, Louis. I thought of you every day that you were gone. If I wrote in this journal as much as I thought of you, there would be pages of endless writing.

But I can see the stars

From America

Actually, I'd even need another journal. Multiple journals, in fact. Yes, I truly did think of you that much.

I wonder, do you see them too?

While you were there, did you think you would ever make it out? Did you ever just give up on your own life? A lot of people told me to give up on you.

So open your eyes and see

The way our horizons meet

And all of the lights will lead

I didn't give up on you, Louis. I waited until the very day that you were finally found. Although I did have some thoughts of giving up on some days..

Into the the night with me

But now, it's different. As much as I want to hold onto you, I can't because it's too late.

And I know these scars will bleed

You fought so hard, Louis. All the way until the very end. The fact that you were still alive when they found you just proves it. You're the strongest person I know.

But even the strongest of people have to give in at some point, right?

I can't tell you how much it hurt though. To come back to a lifeless lover, sunken deep into a hospital bed.

Seems like once again I had left you alone and things had gone all wrong. I really just don't learn, do I?

But both of our hearts believe

My entry is coming to an end now, Louis. This journal is too, for that fact.

I really hope that you've heard the things I said to you this past week that you were in the hospital. I really, really do.

I will always remember you, Louis. I will always hold you deep in my heart. But now I have no choice but to give up.

But no worries, I will still leave you this journal. It'll be the first thing that goes on your grave, I promise.

I miss you so much already, Louis. It's so hard and I feel more numb than I ever have before.

But I'm supposed to be happy that your suffering is over, that you are finally at peace, so I'll just fake it until the happiness becomes real. I'm not sure how long that'll take though.

Although, I truly am happy that you've finally found your way home, Louis.

All of these stars will, guide us home.

.H