Behind the Mask

(Mini/Clean) Rant: Don't Use It Against Me

I'm suicidal. 

I'm kind of open about it. But, I don't fake it. I don't use it to my advantage. 

I'm forgetful. 

I'm kind of obvious about it. But, I don't choose to. I don't use it to my advantage. 

I'm depressed.

I'm kind of vocal about it. But, I don't want it. I don't use it to my advantage. 

But, that doesn't give you a reason to use it against me. 

Don't act as if I'm putting on a play of emotions for you to laugh at. 

Don't act as if I'm hiding my stupidity. 

Don't act as if I'm exaggerating sadness for depression. 

* * *

Kenny, I have depression. Not because I wanted to avoid being lashed at. If I only wanted to escape from that punishment, then I wouldn't hold up the act for so long. There is a reason why, as I told you before, I've held these thoughts since 4th grade. If I was faking it, do you think I would grab those knives to my wrists? If I was faking it, do you think I would cry like that, in front of all of your faces? 

Please, don't use it against me. 

Please, don't say that you'd put your life on the line, like a bet. If you don't know how hard it is to tell someone about suicidal thoughts, please don't say that you want to, also. 

It breaks my heart, really, to hear that you think suicidal thoughts are a laughing matter. 

* * *

Dad, I am forgetful. Not because I am not using my head enough. It's because, I'm using it too much. Stress, you know, is not simply a number of one through ten. It doesn't just go away as a time passes. I don't simply, "remember more" from math problems. If I was faking it, do you think I would procrastinate on homework so much, as to get 3 B's in school? If I was faking it, do you think I would purposely want to get yelled at, beat, or grounded, for not telling you something a week before? 

Please, don't use it against me. 

Please, don't refer to laziness or forgetfulness as a form of disability. If you aren't actually experiencing the overwhelming stress that I deal with, please don't say that I should try harder. 

It's hard to hear that you think that I'm purposely causing trouble. 

* * *

Jessica, I am depressed. Not simply because people don't like my Instagram posts. Not because I'm not the most popular kid at school. I became depressed through years of hatred from my parents and enemies. I became depressed through the unwillingness to live a pointless life. If you are depressed, why are you still able to have that tone in your voice, light-hearted, while talking about committing suicide? Why are you stealing light from those around you, the ones whom have cut themselves, the ones whom have sang songs of hope to stay alive another hour, and those whom wish every night, that they can go through another day?

Please, don't use it against me. 

Please, don't talk about other's depression in the first person. If you don't actually want to kill yourself, please keep your unpopularity as it is. 

* * *