the academy ➢ fitzsimmons

➢14

My stomach turned as I sat in my room, alone, long after Fitz had walked me back to my dorm. What was I thinking? Me? In love with Fitz? More than what we were?
No. I couldn't.

But I couldn't help it, everything about him was everything I wanted and needed. I actually loved Leo Fitz and I'm not sure that I'm proud of it. Now I don't know how to act around him and this could change everything; I won't let that happen. Him and I have been friends for a few years and with my feelings being as explosive as a ticking-time bomb, this could be just as messy as an actual bomb.

I had been asked earlier Wednesday to come over to his dorm to help fill out the patenting paper work for the pistol. How convenient for me have to go to Fitz's dorm after I have admitted to myself that I am in love with him.
Calm down Jemma.

Now my thoughts trailed on to 'what should I wear?' I never had to worry about this sort of thing when we were just friends but now, it meant everything to me. And everything was what he thought of me; I never thought I would be one of those girls who has to do everything according to man but I never realized it's just out of love.
Love.

It's weird to hear that in my head as I thought of Fitz. I just don't know how I haven't felt this sooner, with his handsome looks, god-gifted knowledge, and just about everything else. He's with me all of the time, we work side-by-side, and yet I still failed my past by not realizing my feelings sooner.

It's 4:45 and I'm expected at 5 so that leaves me very little time to correlate my outfit and make peace with myself in terms of my makeup and hair.

I was so nervous but my brain kept telling my heart not to be, not like it helped. It started again, the talking out loud: 'everything is going to be fine Jemma' , 'everything is going to be fine.'

➢

"You've been awfully quiet Simmons, are you okay?" Fitz asked as we both we perched on his bed, writing signature after signature, going on to our 2nd hour of work.

"Of course I am, I'm focusing." I said in a voice that I knew was suitable for sounding as If everything was alright, but it wasn't.

"Well you look really lovely today, did you have classes today?" He asked taking notice of my 'in love with you' and 'I'm not trying too hard' look.

I looked over at him, "actually no, they were cancelled today and yesterday."

"Why did you dress so nice, not feeling the sweatpants?" He asked trying to compose another joke which wasn't too settling.

"It doesn't really matter, Fitz." I said coldly and looking back down at the never ending patent papers.

"Jemma I'm just complimenting you–"

"–why?" I blurted out. I was scavenging for an answer I didn't necessarily want the answer to.

"Because I'm allowed to compliment a beautiful friend, that's all!" He yelled, scattering his words while stuttering a bit.

"beautiful." I whispered to myself taking account of his words. This wasn't the first time he has said that to me, he did yesterday, and my first date with Aaron, and when we went out to a nice restaurant for the first time, also when we went to visit his cousin for Christmas, and the list could go on.

"Yes Jemma, I called you beautiful, I have said it once and I will say it again," he grabbed my hand softly and leaned to look me in the eyes, "you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on."

Now it has become clear that we may no longer just be best friends, there was something developing between us, does he feel the way I feel? I wanted to find out, I wanted to just take my hands and softly bring him into a kiss but I just can't do that. I couldn't do that to him, not now.

I looked down before continuing my work, but Fitz just sat there, his body still facing me and his hand exactly where he put it, in mine.

"Say something Simmons, please?" He pleaded as if the silence was driving the same stake through his heart as it was mine.

"–thank you, Leo."

"I feel like you aren't okay,"  he noted which caught me by surprise, he obviously had been watching me intensively. I guess I wasn't the best at hiding something.

"I'm just fine."

"What is it with you?" He asked, "is it something that I said?"

"More like what I think I should say but shouldn't." I closed the packet quickly before standing up and making my way to the door. His hand grabbed me back,

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I'm not exactly sure."

"Well why can't you tell me why you are acting so, 'off', today," his hand gripped tighter, "and tell me what you mean."

"I wish I could tell you Fitz, but it's best that maybe I just don't and save it for another time." I said giving in too much to his desperate facial expression.

"Fine then, go." He said shooing me away.

"I'm really sorry Fitz," I said before walking out.

The door closed behind me as I just sighed with not relief but with pain. This is already starting to ruin our friendship; one more crack and we could completely break. And with his birthday in a few days, now I'm seriously fretting. Why can't this be easy? Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend of all people? What if one day I can't help myself and everything slips out again, I would lose him. But yet this was chipping away at me, not telling him, I want to tell him. I wanted to tell him and just kiss him right there but this feeling of rejection felt like a tear in my heart. Now I'm thinking that if I don't speak soon I will lose him just as fast.

I guess his birthday might be something neither him nor I will forget.