You're a half- lycra half- human who has been living underground in a cavern for years, your only company being bat-squirrels and books.
He's one of the filthiest people in the history of filth, the living embodiment of what a person should not be.
...
You sat in the tiny mini mart behind the counter, filling out the application as an officially licensed green ninja. As a green ninja, you would be the one who would make the hair on hair commercials flip so flawlessly, you weren't sure how much this job would pay exactly, and it didn't have official hours, but at least you were going through with your plan. Next would be trying to find a way to turn back into a girl, right? Surgery was out of the question, maybe that guy, Chin chin or whatever, could change you back? Or maybe some other deity like being could help you out? Okay, this was probably going to be harder than folding a burrito, so that wasn't going to be your priority. God you wanted to sleep right now. It had been three days since your talk with Pink Guy, and you still hadn't managed to get a good night sleep. You had tried to get masturbate a bit to relax and fall asleep, but every time you started getting into it, no matter what sort if thing you were watching, your mind began to creep back to Frank. And so you decided to just give up jerking it all together for a few days.
Life wasn't going to make that easy for you, no sir, or ma'am, idk...
You might be able to go to sleep here on the counter, but wouldn't that be unprofessional? What was considered unprofessional in this job? Mass shooting people, probably. But there wasn't any required uniform, a homeless guy could probably walk in here and could work here, no questions asked.
Your old flip phone rang, you finally managed to get it working again, so it was good you didn't have to use your old Ipad as a phone anymore, you saw it was Tj, wondering why they would be calling you at this time, you opened the phone to answer.
"Yello-"
"F/N I NEED YOU GET HELP OVER HERE SALAMANDER MAN IS STUCK INSIDE ME."
"... I beg your pardon?"
" WE DECIDED TO DO IT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND OH GOD HE HAS TWO DICKS AND I WAS LIKE ALRIGHT YEAH DOUBLE PENETRATION OK BUT NOPE HE IS LODGED INSIDE ME F/N. LODGED."
"... He has two-"
"YES F/N HE HAS TWO DICK AND IM ACTUALLY KIND OF CALLING TO BRAG BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST THAT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST SEX IVE EVER HAD BUT HIS JIZZ IS LIKE GLUE NOW HE LITERALLY CANT PULL OUT! WE TRIED HOT WATER BUT IT DIDN'T WOOOOOOORK."
" NYEEEEEES!"
" FUCKING- JUST PLEASE COME AND HELP WE'RE AT HIS PLACE AND IM NOT HAVING ONE OF THE CREEPS HERE HELP OUT."
" Okay, okay, just- ah geez- ok stay there I'll try to get something." You hung up and grabbed a can of chicken broth, putting up a sign that you were on lunch break as you made a dash to your apartment building. You had expected something weird(by your standards) to happen today, seeing as how this was close to Valentines day, but this was just a whole new species of unusual. At least it was a Friday.
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You knocked on the apartment door frantically, growing more and more worried for your friend. It was answered by none other then Frank, you ignored the look of surprise splattered across his face, trying to look as uninterested as possible. You push past him and make you way to find Salamander's room, you call Tj again, to tell her that you're here.
"Perfect," she says, relief washing over her voice,"Okay, just go through that dresser, his room is through there."
" Alright I see it, I'll be right-" you stop seeing the dresser.
"F/n? Whats wrong?"
" Tj... Do you need to... Come out of the closet?" You try to hold a straight face at your own joke, waiting for a response. Ten seconds passed and the other side of the conversation was silent.
Tj hung up.
You switched the phone off and go into the room, but you were pleasantly surprised by what you saw. If you didn't know any better, you would have thought that Tj was just sitting in Salamander man's lap. She had a shirt on(thankfully), and a blanket covered both of them below the belt line. It seemed They had been looking at stuff on the phone, and for some reason seeing them like this pulled at your chest a little bit, they looked like a normal couple.
"Thank god you're here," Tj said," I swear if he stays in my ass any longer I won't be able to shit the same ever again."
" Nyess!" Salamander mumbles, attempting to rub Tj's nipples.
Almost a normal couple.
You pass them the can of chicken broth, confident it will work since chicken broth gets rid of mucus in colds, and isn't sperm kind of like mucus?
You walk out, seeing Frank standing there again. You cross your arm to wait for him to say something. He avoids eye contact with you, looking over at the kitchen, then at the ground as if it's suddenly an amazing feat of human works.
He finally speaks up," I guess thats what condoms are really for."
It's so stupid, but you start laughing. Genuinely laughing, you hadn't laughed like this in a few days, so the muscles in your face begin to hurt. But you needed that, you needed to laugh. Once you settle down, you go back to go to work, you stop at the doorway to turn to Frank.
