Confessions of a Teenage Christian (A Devotional Book for Teen Girls)

February 6, 2016 [Feeling Alone-continued ]

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord."
~Isaiah 66:9

Feeling alone—continued:

I am very happy to announce that it had been almost two years since I published my first chapter of this book So much has changed since then, and so much has thankfully stayed constant. It is one of my most popular chapters, and from the comments I have seen how much it has truly impacted people. To be honest, I feel as if it is one of my most personal, heartfelt chapters. In this chapter, I am in essence rewriting my first chapter. I have learned a lot since I first wrote it, and I thought I could elaborate and add truth to the hopes I made two years ago—that God will follow through in such an unimaginable, remarkable way.

I use to always feel alone. No matter how crowded or big the room, I felt utterly alone. I felt like the most awkward girl in the world, too scared to speak up for fear of being judged and rejected.  Living in that kind of fear is miserable. I still struggle with this from day to day; considering the extent of my seclusion, it feels like it may never go away completely. That being said, God has been able to use me in such a unique way because of it. He turned some of my most miserable moments into moments to cherish and be grateful for.

Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I was really dreading going back to school. I'd barely spoken to a friend all summer, and I didn't want to be consumed by the stress and pressure that came along with the school work. Nevertheless, I had to to back. I had been lucky enough to find a friend or two in each of my classes, but not right away. Then, the moment of the day I hated most arrived: lunch. I didn't know a soul with the same lunch time as I walked into the intimidating lunch room. There, I spotted a group of people I'd spoken to a couple of times, and decided to sit down with them. I mostly sat off to side, and they ended up leaving pretty soon. For most of the lunch I sat alone, being left with only negative thoughts. No one wants to sit with you. You're so awkward. Everyone's staring. You're never going to fit in. My worst enemy were my own thoughts, and they told me so many negative things; they still do. Sometimes I dismiss them, but sometimes I catch myself believing them.

However, while I was consumed in thought, two girls from a nearby table had noticed me. I had talked to them before a couple of times from being in the same classes, but I didn't know them very well. They asked me to sit with them. Although I anticipated an awkward lunch, it was better than the alternative of sitting alone. So, I accepted and joined them.

I sat with those girls for the rest of the semester, and it honestly changed my life. I looked forward to lunch every day. It was the first time in a while here I wasn't always watching what I said—where I felt I could speak freely without feeling like a loser. We talked about our days, we laughed, and one of my favorite parts of the lunch, we talked about God. We talked about our struggles, our beliefs, and our prayers. We were able to bond on a level that I hadn't even imagined was possible. One of the girls is one of my best friends a year later. We were able to bond tremendously because of our similar struggles. We give each other constant advice and lift the other up if one is having a rough time. And it's something that never would have happened if I had been sitting with a bunch of friends who really didn't make me feel like myself.

Since then, I still experience anxiety when I'm my own, especially at school. However, I've noticed how much good can really come from such a dreadful experience for me. I've come to the realization—one that I lacked two years ago—that I'm not the only person who feels like that. And I was overwhelmed to see how many of you confirmed this with your comments! I love looking back at that chapter, to see the knowledge I lacked and to see how my actions and words at such an affect on people. It's a great example in serving that God knows what He's doing!! He has plans much bigger than we can ever comprehend. I wouldn't look at things the same way I do now. I feel like I'm more aware of people who are left out of groups, and then I make a point to include them. I remember how much I would long for a person to come and talk to me, anything to avoid such an awkward situation of being alone.
Reading over that chapter every once and a while—or even thinking about how I use to feel a mere two years ago—moves me so much. It's crazy for me to comprehend all of the change that has occurred in my life for the better. I am so thankful for the opportunities God has presented me with, and I look forward to the future He has planned for me.

Dear God, please help me dismiss the thoughts of feeling alone. I know that it is a lie because You have promised to always be with me. Help me understand that Your plans for me or bigger than I could ever imagine. Thank you.