Carrying the Torch

Chapter 11

I pull into Sarah and Chris's driveway. I slowly get out and walk to their door, tear stains on my face.

My drive over was probably not the safest thing ever, but I made it. And that's what counts.

I knock on the door, taking a deep breath. Chris answers, smiling. "Hey," he says.

You know what it's like when you really need to cry but don't want to so just try to laugh at everything? That is what I'm doing right now, but it doesn't work. I try to laugh or smile, or something, but instead immediately start sobbing, falling into Chris's arms. He whispers encouraging words into my ear. "Shhh. You're okay. You're strong. Let's at least go sit." I suddenly become aware that we are still standing in the doorway, but I really don't care.

He leads me to the living room and we sit together on the couch. "Sarah went to the store. She will be back soon." We sit in silence for a minute. I reach up and hold Luke's dog tag. I feel the cold metal on my fingers and it does help to calm me a little bit.

I hear the garage door open, signaling that Sarah is home. "So how are you?" he asks.

"Tired of all of this, already. I miss him so much. It's really hard." Silent tears begin falling from my eyes again. Sarah walks into the living room and sits next to me. She hands me a carton of ice cream and gives each of us a spoon. I smile at her, opening the lid and taking a bite. My favorite kind too: chocolate chip cookie dough.

"You wanna know something Autumn? You and Luke are never separated. You never have been. Since you've been in preschool. Honestly, think of a time you were separated extensively. His two day football camp in high school? You were destroyed then. Just last week when you came over, the original plan was for him to stay home, but you couldn't do that, could you? Hate to break it to you, but I personally think this can be good for you."

I know she is trying to help, and she does, but it is still hard to process. She is my sister and she thinks she knows exactly what I want to hear. But the thought is still in my mind; I won't be able to see, hold or kiss my fiancé for nine months!

"Do you wanna do something?" Chris asks. "I mean besides sit here on the couch and cry?"

I shrug. No. "Sure," I say, trying to smile. Tears are spilling out of my eyes again. "No," I bury my head in Sarah's shoulder.

They both let me cry for a few minutes, Sarah rubbing my back. I finally think I'm out of tears. "Can I go shower?"

"I'm not mom, yes. Go," Sarah says. I nod and go upstairs to the guest bathroom. I grab a towel out of the closet and turn the water on. I forgot my bag in the car. I don't even care. I sit on the toilet, lid closed. I don't even care. It's just my bag. Then come the tears, yet again. I put my face in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees.

I don't think I'm going out be able to make it through this. There's a soft knock on the door. "Come in." Chris comes through the door with my duffel bag in hand.

"Thought you might need this," he says. When he looks up, his eyes sadden immediately. "Hey, hey, hey. Shhhhh. He squats down in front of me. He looks into my eyes. "Hey, listen. It's gonna be okay. I know Sarah is being a little blunt with you. I'm sorry. These next nine months are gonna be long, yes. But it's gonna make them longer if you are crying all the time.

"Let's make a game. When you think you need to cry, think of Luke. Think of his eyes. Think of everything he's done with you and for you. Think of what you did before he left and how you will celebrate when he gets back. This isn't easy for him either but I know you can handle it. You two can get through anything and you know that. Be brave. Okay?"