The darkest path, the walking dead

Chapter 20: deep in thoughts

Chapter 20

Carl woke up at 6:00 in the morning and I had already been awake for three hours but that's good because it gave me time to get my head together which I really needed to do. I thought about why I was braking down and how I could help myself or how I could help Daryl and Carl help me but nothing seemed to come to mind so I tried my hardest to try to focus on one thing why was I braking down? I thought for at least ten minutes just trying to figure that out and still nothing came to mind but then I gave up and let my mind wonder to where it wanted to go and I found my answer, the way Shane was trying to kill me, to drag me of the bus and into the walkers that reminds me of a time before the apocalypse. I was about nine and me and my sister Tara who would have been thirteen or something where jumping on our beds, we jumped from one bed to the other laughing and annoying Jasmine who was trying to read a book she had read multiple times already, we heard the front door open and we jumped off the beds because we thought maybe it was mum or dad and they would come to yell at us for jumping on our beds, it was too early in the week for Philip to come over he would he on a bender with some maid probably. We sit on the floor trying to look as causal as possible, we had come back from our cousins for a few months because they where sick of us, well actually they where sick of me and Tara because of all the angry phone calls from teachers and also the complaints about out threats on the neighbours cat, god we hated that cat it was an ugly thing with no fur and a really scrunched up face but to be honest we weren't doing it to tease the cat we where doing it to tease the mean old lady who owed the cat, she was friends with one of the teachers at our school who particularly hated me and Tara so anything we did she would find out about, I remember one time a teacher was being mean to jasmine which was not very common but turns out she hatted Jasmine because she was related to me and Tara. So me and Tara went up to that teacher when she was in the middle of class at started swearing at her, turns out that me and Tara only made it worse and got suspended for a mouth and our punishment was to live next door with the neighbour. She would make us clean her massive farm and polish her silver and everything for a hole mouth and we where pretty much slaves but it was still much better than being at home with Philip, I don't think her cat survived our visit come to think of it I'm pretty sure I used her cat for target practice with my old bow. Anyway we where at home for a while and we thought mum or dad where home but Philip walked in and me and jasmine looking at each other as we wait to see what side of Philip we would see today.
"TARA LUNA GET OUT HERE NOW" me and Tara followed him out and he slapped my sister, usually mum or dad would come home so he couldn't do to much damage but today we where home alone because Philip never came this early in the week so mum and dad pulled a double shift.
"LUNA RUN CALL MUM" Tara yell I sprinted towards the door but Philip graded my legs and I graded the wall.
"Get off me" I yells kicking my legs trying to escape his grip.
"JASMINE CALL MUM!" I yell but Philip laughs.
"We both know your sisters not going to do anything" he says pulling harder.
"Jasmine" I cry as he gives one final pull and I loose grip of the wall. He kicks me twice in the back and then walks to Tara who has just got up to run to the door he grabs a stool and swings hitting her hard In the ribs, I hear an unforgettable crack which could be the wooden stool but most likely it was my sisters ribs braking. She coughs on the ground and holds her ribs as he holds back tears. He grabs me and pulls me to my feet and pushes me into a wall laughing as I crash and fall backward on to my arm, I put my hand out to push myself up and he jumps on it squishing my fingers underneath his large boot, I let out a scream and he then pick me up and shoves me hard onto a self. I hit the shelf and my head completely takes the impact, I know that at least two of my fingers are broken and I have split my head open, Tara as broken ribs but I have no idea how manny. I hear the front door close and I know he's gone. There is so much blood tricking down my check, I try to walk toward my room to tell jasmine that it's safe to come out he's gone and also to tell her to call an ambulance or something but I only get one step and collapse. I woke up in a hospital the next day and I found out the neighbours heard our screams and called the police. That's why I panicked it reminds me to much of that horrible night. Carl wakes up and I watch him come aware if his surroundings, he slept in the corner opposite to me and Daryl slept laying kind of everywhere. Carl eyes soften when they meet mine.
"Hey" he says slowly inching towards me not wanting to scare me, he keeps inching closer until he's close enough to touch. I look into his eyes and I can't hold it in any longer, I throw my self into his arm and wrap my arms around him neck.
"Carl" I whisper.
"Oh my god your talking again. Are you ok? What happened?" Carl asks holding my face in his hands as he examined every single detail of my face.
"I....I don't know if I'm ok" I whisper because I don't think I can talk any louder.
"Are you hurt?" He asks checking my arms for an injury but I shake my head.
"I'm ok it doesn't matter" I say and he frowns.
"Yes it does" he says and now I frown.
"I'm fine" I whisper.
"You sure?" He asks and I nod "what happened?" Carl asks as we move back over to my sleeping bag because it's cold and more comfortable, I lay in the sleeping bag with my head on Carls chest as he strokes my hair.
"We where letting Randell go and he told us he knows Maggie and Hershel and that he knew where we were pretty much. So Shane wanted to kill him but Rick said we have to wait, then Shane got mad and said if you don't let me do this then I'll kill Luna, Rick thought he wouldn't do it but he throw a massive wrench at me and it only missed me by the the tinniest bit and it hit a window behind me and all these walkers got out of the window and I ran into a school bus and Shane followed..." I tried to keep a clam voice as some tears rolled down my cheeks "when we where on the bus he managed to block the door for a seconds but then realised we where locked in and he wanted to feed me to the walkers like he did with Otis" I say and Carl looks shocked.
"So the reason I had a my.. I would call it my moments but it was more like my hours was because it reminded me of the night I got this scar" I say pointing to the scar on my head that Carl had noticed before "I also broke four fingers that night and my sister broke two ribs" I sigh and Carl looks shocked.
"How did it remind you?" He says bracing himself for the answer.
"I tried to get to the phone but my uncle grabbed my foot and wouldn't let me go and I was holding onto the wall for my life but I let go because I couldn't hold on any longer, Shane did the same but he was trying to get me out the bus door and I was holding on to I seat" I say and I shiver runs down my spine.
"What happened the night you got that?" Carl says running his finger across the scar on my forehead.
"Well I tried to get to the phone he grabbed me and kicked me in the back twice then bashed my sister in the ribs with a wooden stool, he shoved me into a wall then stood on my fingers then pushed me into a shelf and left like nothing happened and I probably would have died if the neighbours had not heard me and Tara scream" I say and another shiver runs up my spine as Carl run the tip of his finger up and down my back.
"So I'm sick of hearing my terrible childhood do you have any bad childhood memory's you would like to share?" I ask and Carl thinks for a second.
"Just before this thing stared my dad was shot and he went into a coma and we had to leave him behind, we thought he was dead but then he found us months later" Carl says and I smiled because it has a happy ending and I'm thankful for that.
"Your bad story ends in a happy ending lucky" I smile up at him and he smiles down at me.
"Well my childhood didn't have anything near as bad as yours, I still can't believe you where abused" Carl says angrily as he get up "I have to pee" he smiled and I nod once Carls leaves the tent I make my point of saying.
"You know it's rude to listen into people's conversations" I say to Daryl who had been fake sleeping.
"You where abused?" He asks me "by who your dad?" He keep on with the questions.
"No by my uncle, I know you where abused two" I say to him and he looks shocked.
"I can read people like a book" I smirk and his eyes narrow.
"No I wasn't" he says and I roll my eyes.
"What ever floats your boat but I know the truth" I say and he frowns.
"Daryl?" I ask and he looks a little angry.
"What" he snaps.
"Thank you" I whisper and he rolls his eyes.
"For what?" He asks.
"For everything, I would have died so manny time if it weren't for you" I smiled and he nodded.
"That's what this group does for each other" he shrugs "are you still planing on leaving" he says and I look out the door, Carls not in sight so I think it's safe to talk.
"I don't belong here....I know you won't understand" I sigh.
"But can't you see you do belong here, it's better than being out there on your own!" Daryl says frustrated.
"Here I can only hurt more people" I say looking at his as he stands up angrily.
"Your so selfish, what do you think Carl will think when he finds out you want to leave?" Daryl says picking up his cross bow in anger.
"How is that selfish? I just don't want to hurt anyone" I say and he rolls his eyes.
"Just because someone dies don't mean it's your fault, your selfish cause you only think of yourself! You can't handle another funeral so your leaving, YOU can't see people care for you and YOU only think of yourself!" Daryl says angrily. He storms out of the tent and I go the opposite direction towards the house. When I get there not manny people are awake but I see the looks they give me. I walk to the house and knock on the door, Maggie answers the  door with a tied expression and a sandwich in her hand.
"Bit early for a sandwich I know, what can I do for you Luna" she smiles.
"I hate to ask but can I use your shower?" I ask and she nod.
"Of corse when ever you want sweetheart, don't be afraid to ask" she smiles and walks back into the kitchen, I walk up the stair towards the bathroom. I let the water warm up while I look at the mirror, I don't look that much older but the difference is still massive, or maybe that's just because I haven't seen myself in a mirror for a while. I see something move in the corner of my eye and turn to see....Sophia.
"Please, I didn't mean it" I say quickly.
"I know but death just seems to follow you everywhere you go and you think your the one who looses! poor little Luna has to live! Do you know how much I would give to be alive" she yells but I know no one will hear her.
"You should leave while Carl has I chance" she says and I look down at my hands thinking about my options, I look up again and she's gone. I hear a little knock at the door and I open it, it's Maggie she hands me some new clothes and a towel with a big grin.
"Thank you Maggie" I force a smile.
"It's fine honestly" she smiles and walks down the hall, I close the door and take my boots off then my clothes, my knife falls out of my boot when I take it of and I pick it up and twirl it around in my hands for a moment, I'm considering cutting my wrist again but the thought of Carl finding out makes me drop the knife and get in the shower. I put my clothes back on and forward out of the bathroom after cleaning up all my stuff, I walk into the bedroom Beth is in and I see Lucas leaning over the side of the bed with his lips pressed against hers.
"Umm can you guys stop suck facing now" I say covering my eyes and using my hands to guide me further into the bedroom, Lucas chuckles a little.
"It's safe to look now" he smirks as I remove my hands from my face.
"Well this is awkward, I think I might go and you guys can continue what ever that was" I say turning away and walking from the bedroom, I walk down the hall and I can still hear Lucas chuckling.
"Ew" I say as I walk down the stairs. I walk out of the house avoiding anyone else, I don't know where to go, I see Daryl storm out of a small barn, he has blood all over him and my guess is that they asked him to torture Randell, I storm up to Daryl before he reaches the group.
"What it's this?" I snap angrily pointing towards his hand which is covered in blood.
"I had to do what I had to do" Daryl shrugs.
"No! You did what Rick asked you to" I snap "your just his bitch" I say spit slowly.
"Well why don't you just leave already" Daryl pushes past me and I follow angrily behind him, we get to the group.
"He's got a group bout thirty men, heavy artily and they ain't looking to make friends. They roll though here the boys are dead and the girls are going to wish they were" Daryl finishes.
"What did you do?" Carol asks and I can tell she's concerned, maybe they have something going on that no one knows about, I hope so Daryl need someone to care for him.
"We had a little chat" Daryl says and carol shakes her head and walks away.
"No one goes near this guy" Rick says.
"Rick want are you going to do?" Lori asks and I storm after Daryl because it's obvious what there going to do, they will kill him it's the only way we get to live. I follow Daryl because I honestly don't want to talk to Carl right now and I don't know where else to go.
"Daryl!" I run after him.
"Daryl stop!" I'm out of breath trying to chase after him.
"Daryl, please" I say, I grab him arm and he pushes me of and I trip and fall.
"Leave me alone!" He snaps.
"Daryl please!" I'm almost crying.
"Why? So you can run off and leave! I'm sick of caring!" He yells.
"Screw you I trusted you!" I screamed throwing grass at him.
"Yeah so did I! You can't just leave! Are you even going to tell Carl? or are you just going to leave like last time!?" He yells
"Go to hell what do you know about it? You push people away just like me the only difference if this group needs you and they would better without me!" I yell.
"That's a load of crap! Rick don't care what I think he always turns to Shane!" Daryl yells.
"Yeah well Shane a psychopath!" I yells still on the ground.
"And you think that makes a difference! And you do belong here, you should have seen Carls reaction when he found out you where gone! I know you see that little happy spark of light that Carl carries with him everywhere that, that was gone. You make him happy weather you see it or not!" Daryl yells as I fall silent and he marches away. I sit in the grass feeling almost nothing like all my feelings where at war and then they all lost, all died and now there gone and I think they took me with them. I hear a stick break and I look to see Sophia. She has a chain of flowers wrapped around her head and she wears a white dress but the thing that shocks me the most is the fact that she only about five and she looks.....happy, I almost forgot what that looked like. She danced around in the flowers giggling and jumping and rolling, I smile at the beautiful sight.
"Goodbye Sophia" I whisper and I know I'm slowly letting go, letting go of her.  All the sadness and loss and frustration turns to anger as I storm towards the shed Randall's in. I climb to the top of the shed and sneak in though a gap in the roof without Andrea who is on guarding him noticing. I see Randell talking with Andrea though a crack in the wall and then he turn and looks out the other side standing on a chair, I look out to see Carl and Shane coming. I continue to watch Randell who is watching Andrea and Shane, I hear a noise and ignore it until I see movement behind me and I'm confused was it Sophia again? I turn to see Carl coming into view.
"Hey" he says siting next to me quietly.
"You shouldn't be here" I whisper slowly.
"I don't care" he shrugs and my heart stops for a second, was Carl going dark?
"Carl don't do this" I say and Carl looks at me strange.
"Don't do what?" He asks.
"Don't go dark" I say and he rolls his eyes.
"We all have to right? You went dark and now I'm going dark" he says emotionlessly.
"Carl don't do this" I say trying to keep quiet but Randell hears.
"Hello again" Randell says to me and I freeze "nice hat" Randell smiles to Carl but he just looks at Randell emotionlessly and tilts his head.
"I'm Randell what's your name?" He asks Carl "the sherif guy that's your dad? I like him, yeah he's a good guy I can tell. Your mum out here two? Yeah your lucky you still got your family, how about you little girl where's your family?" He asks.
"There dead I killed them" I growls
"Yeah I lost my family, I don't know what people been saying about me but I didn't do nothing" Randell says and Carl start to climb down for the ledge.
"Carl!" I say frantically jumping of the ledge and landing on my butt.
"It got pretty bad, you know that you where there and we all know how you got them bruises" Randell says tilting his head to me. Carl looks at me and I just want to be invisible at that moment as Carl looks at my bruises Shane gave me.
"My camp we've got lots of supplies if you help me I will take you can your folks and even the little girl back to my camp, just help me pick these locks of find the key. Come on please" I look at Carl with shock as he walks closer to Randell.
"Carl stop!" I say fanatically grabbing his arm back he shakes me off. Randell jumps forwards a little and Carl flinches away slightly but keeps on going forwards.
"Carl stop!" I whisper and now I'm desperate "SHANE, ANDREA" I call and the door flys open as Shane's eyes fall on Carl.
"What did you say! What did you say!" Shane tries to stick his gun in Randall's mouth, I can see Carl giving me death stares from the corner of my eye, that's it my mind is make I'm leaving, I'm not going to stay here and watch Carl go dark and watch Daryl destroy himself.
"Shane not now!" Andrea yells and Carl keeps giving me death stares, I can't take it anymore Lucas has Beth I'm nothing to him now, Carl is going to hate me and Daryl hates me for hating myself, I can't stay here any longer. Shane pulls Carl out of the shed and I follow but I don't stick around I turn and start to walk towards the farm house.
"this talk includes you" Andrea snaps at me.
"Oh don't worry sweet heart I'll be gone soon" I say stick the finger up at her as I marched away. I see dale talking to Daryl so I decide to avoid that conversation. I don't know where to go or what to do again. So I got sit down and eat some beef jerky, about ten minutes later I see carol walking away from Lori with an angry expression, I never though I would give two shits what carol thought or if she was ok but I just had to do this for Sophia. I approach her and she leans against a tree her head in her hands.
"Are you ok?" I ask stepping closer slightly.
"I'm ok thanks anyway" Carol replies.
"What's wrong?" I ask and she looks up at me.
"Carl was being quite disrespectful" she shakes her head.
"What happened?" I ask
"He told me that heaven is stupid and that I shouldn't believe in it" she says and I want to yell at Carl two he's going dark and I will not sit here and wait for it to happen, I can't.
"How would he know that? Just ignore him he's got something going on" I say "I'm worried about him to be honest" I sigh.
"You care about him?" Carol asks and I nod slightly.
"Yeah" I nod and so does she.
"Well then it's not to late for him, go show him the right way" she smiles slightly and I shake my head.
"That's going to be a problem, I'm dark and I have been for a long time, I can't help him when I am always going to be worse then him and besides I'm leaving soon" I sigh.
"You can't leave! You can't do that to Lucas Carl and Daryl, you are not dark Luna you still have a heart and you can help him" she smiles slightly but then her face drops "I'm so sorry for blaming Sophia's death on you I had no right" carol apologises.
"It's fine" I whisper looking at the ground.
"No it's not and I swear I will make it up to you I just don't know how yet" carol says
"Thank you" I whisper. I know I've lost too much and I know that I am losing too including my mind but maybe I can help Carl.
"Do you see her two" I whisper.
"Sophia? I do" carol whisper "but that's not Sophia, I don't know what she says to you but she says things she wouldn't even think when she was alive" carol says and I nod it true