The darkest path, the walking dead

Chapter 12: should I?

My hug with carl went for almost three minutes but it still feels like it is gone too quick, we sit in the car waiting for something to happen, just staring at each other, I'm still a mess but Carl makes me feel better almost happy. We must have fallen asleep in the car because when I wake up I sit in Carls lap, my arm around his neck and my head leaning on his chest. He looks peaceful in his sleep I mean he looks peaceful usually but in his sleep you wouldn't guess this world is a shit house. I play with his hair which is getting longer. I play with his hair for a long time, I don't sleep much lately so I often spend hours staring into space while everyone else sleeps, after a while I stop playing with his hair because I don't want to wake him, I look out at the dark field it's probably about 3:00 in the morning, I stay in his lap staring into space for hour. When I start to focus again the sun is rising and I begin to twirl his brown hair around my finger again not caring if I wake him this time because I'm bored and lonely, I smile up at him as his eyes slide open.
"Good morning" I say looking up at his.
"How are you?" He asks and I roll my eyes.
"I'm fine, how are you" I ask playing with his hair again.
"I'm good" he smiles.
"How long have you been awake?" He asks watching me playing with his hair.
"I don't know" I shrug. "I don't sleep much" I keep playing with his hair.
"Why not?" He asks looking into my eyes but I avoid his gaze and keep my eyes locked on his hair. I don't want to meet his gaze.
"I don't like the dreams, not sleeping is the only was to keep the nightmares away" I say emotionlessly as I plait his hair.
"What do you dream about?" He says me and I regret saying anything, so many questions!
"It doesn't matter" I shrug.
"You have to tell me the truth Luna you can't push me away" he grabs my chin so I have to look at him.
"Its usually the same thing" I say looking into his eyes finally.
"And what is that?" he says getting a little frustrated.
"People I love die and it's my fault but when I wake I realise it's not a dream and everyone I loved has died and it's my fault....so my life is my own nightmare" I say trying to fight a sigh again.
"What happened to your family?" Carl asks and I look down at my broken hand or injured hand I'm not sure what's wrong with it but it's slowly healing.
"It doesn't matter" I say still looking at my hand.
"It does Luna, it does you know why? Because it's eating you up from the inside and your letting it. It's not your fault Luna, I don't know what happened but I'm sure you had a reason to kill your dad and I'm sure it's not your fault your family's dead" he finishes.
"You don't know that, I'm dark and I've killed people, I'm more like a walker than a human carl" I whisper sadly.
"Luna it's not yo-" I cut him off.
"I should go, see if Lucas Is ok" he grabs my hand and stop me from exiting the car.
"One more question" he starts "what happened last night?" He asks and I shrug.
"I wasn't with them we got split up and they thought I was dead, Shane would have left without me but I got there just in time" I climb out of the car before Carl could say anything else. I walk inside the house to see Lucas laying on the bed with a grin on his face.
"Lucas how are you?" I ask standing next to the bed.
"Tinkerbell" he grins "I'm fine considering I just got shot" he grins.
"Well I'm glad your ok" I grin sitting next to the bed Lucas lays on.
"I always am" he grins but then his smile fades. "I heard you went on a run to get medicine for me" he frowns.
"So?" I ask and he rolls his eyes.
"I told you not to be reckless and the second I'm not fully conscious you do go something reckless" he shakes his head in disappointment. "Why would you do that?!" He almost yells, I'm already in an unstable state and this is seriously not going to help.
"Look I'm sorry but I needed to help" I say looking at him in irritation.
"No, you just don't think of anyone but yourself all the bloody time!" He says angrily.
"Me risking my life for you is not selfish! It's the complete opposite" I yell in frustration.
"Yes it is! What do you think Carl, Glenn and Sophia would have thought if you had died? what do you think I would have thought when I woke up? How do you think rick or Shane who have told me that you had died for me?!" He yells.
"You think Sophia will care! You think Glenn will care he doesn't even know me! And you think Carl will care he doesn't! he will get over it because in the end I'm nothing to everyone and if I die that will not change, they will all move on trust me! And as for you if I had died there chances are you wouldn't be here to worry!" I yell and I got the feeling someone is watching me, I turn around to see Carl staring at me. I know he saw me tell Lucas that he didn't care about me. He shakes his head at me in disappointment.
"Why...what....you..." He doesn't know what to say and I'm feeling very horrible because I'm trapped in between two boys who are about to have a go at me.
"Luna stop being so reckless, just stop, it hurts the people that need you more than it hurts you" Lucas says angrily.
"Why do you think everyone hates you?!" Carl finally finds here words. I felt like this should be a nightmare where everyone blames me for all the deaths I've witnessed.
"Please stop" I whispered looking at the ground, tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto the ground.
"No Luna you have to hear this, you can't just run around taking all the risks. You need to stop!" Lucas yells and I can't take it anymore. The two boys that I felt the best around where yelling at me and I can't take it anymore. I let out a sob and run out of the room and out of the house. I can't take it, I can't take them hating me even if I thought that they hated me before. I run outside and grab my bow and arrows then run off into the woods. I don't know why I took that so personally if I had already believed that they hated me  but in truth I know I can't live without them my twisted, messed up mind has clung to the two boy who are ripping me apart right now.
I ran into the woods and fall on a tree, I lean on it as my only support. I sob so loud that I am almost positive that walkers can hear me and I'm right after a minute I hear foot steps and a walker growls towards me.
"No please just go away" I sob into the tree, the walker gets closer but I don't make any attempt to get away. The walker pushes me and I loose grip of the tree, I fall over and The walker jumps on me. It reaches down and snaps it's jaw as I hold it by the shoulders.
"Please just leave me alone!" I sob loudly. The walker continues to reach for me as I hold it up but I don't make any attempt to kill it or to get it of me. I still sob and I'm considering letting the walker drop on me because I just want to give up, I don't want to be here anymore and because my arms and legs ache as I try to hold it up. Should I give up? And let the walker tear me apart on the floor of the forest. I wonder how much it would hurt? Or how long it would take for me to finally die? Or I wonder why I should hold the walker up? Why should I keep fighting? Why should I be here when I don't want to? Why should I try to hold the walker up? I give one last sob and prepare myself for the impact of the walker as I close my eyes, my legs and arms that were holding the walker up go weak but before the walker hits me the weight is taken off me and my eyes fly open to see the walker laying on the ground next to me and Daryl stands above me.
"What was that!" Daryl yells at me and I sob again.
"Daryl please just go" I sob, and he shakes his head.
"Why are you so game to throw your life away?" Daryl's hands reach down and pull me to my feet. "Come on" he say walking me forwards towards the house.
"Please Daryl I don't want to go back there" I push my heels into the ground as he looks at me.
"Why not?" He says looking from me to the house.
"Because I'm not wanted in there" I take a deep breathe pulling myself together a little.
I sits down on the ground and play with the dead ends on my hair.
"Well then get to know people, get close to people don't push people away" he say sitting down next to me.
"You push people away too, I can tell" I look at my hands.
"Yeah but I don't almost get killed because of it" he sighs. After a while he leave and I'm sure he will not come back but he does and he holds an unbuilt tent.
"Help me build it" he says as he start to build the tent.
"Why are you putting your tent out here?" I ask as I get to my feet and walk over to him.
"it's not my tent it's yours, if you don't want to be over there with them then you can stay over here it is as simple as that." He says and I smile at him as I help build the tent.
"Thank you Daryl your not actually a bad guy" I say and he rolls his eyes at me.
"Mr crossbow" I smile under my breath.