Useless and Unwanted ..

Part 17

Thinking over all of the shit that I have gone through in the past few years. In the past few days. In the past few minutes. Running through my mind question after question. Detail after detail. Memory after memory. Trying to ease my mind. Wishing I could wake up and this all just be a big nightmare. That none of this ever happened. Boy if only..

I walk over to my mom sitting down next to her hugging her as tight as I could. Never wanting to let her go. We may not be truly free but for right now it's just me and her and for that I am thankful for. When you undergo such tragic events you learn to really appreciate the little things in life. 

We sat there talking for hours until we both fell asleep. It felt like old times. I was able to clear my mind of all the bad memories and recall the old, good memories. I remember when my mom and I use to do each others hair and makeup. She'd always make mine so perfect but me, being only ten years old and younger, would make hers look like a total mess.  At the time I thought it was so beautiful and perfect but when I look back on it now I realize how horrible it was. My mom never failed to make me smile telling me how nice and beautiful it was. ha-ha those sure were the days. As simple as that memory may be, its truly a memory that I will cherish forever. I only hope that one day I will be able to do that again. ugh I sigh. Thinking of these old memories just makes me feel even more depressed and hopeless. 

Why must my father be so relentless, so vile, so cruel, so abominable, and so inhumane? What person in their right mind would do such a thing to their wife? their kid? to anyone for that matter? I'm fed up with all of this shit... and as much as I say I want to do something about this, I know I can't. I'm useless..... I'm helpless......