Kaisoo One Shots

Crawl Home

Author: Kais

  His hands are trembling. His stomach pulls tighter on itself and it burns, god does it burn. Guilt blazes in his intestines, white hot pain pushing doubt up his throat. No matter how still he remains, he can't feel his heart thumping in his chest.

One thought keeps pushing the guilt up, up, up.

This is what I've caused.

His eyes follow the shape of Jongin's face. He's watched this face change subtly over the years. This isn't the face of the boy who insisted on holding the other's at the school picnic in elementary school. This isn't the face that was constantly angled down in middle school to avoid drawing attention.

The face he hovers his fingers over belongs to the teenager who nearly destroyed the both of them. When he thinks back on it there's no denying that the blame belongs to Kyungsoo. He was the catalyst of it all.

There's an 'I'm sorry' on his lips but his throat is too swollen for any sound to pass through.

When your entire life is woven into another person's, every single aspect of your daily life intermingling with theirs, pulling away is a near impossible thing to do. Even if you know in your bones that there is no other way for either of you to move forward or recover it still feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.

Kyungsoo retracts his hand from the younger's personal space and pushes himself from the bed. He pads slowly, silently into their bathroom, passes into their closet, and reaches for his luggage bag.

Shirts, pants, underwear, socks, lotion, and deodorant; In the bag he puts his favorite clothes and essential toiletries. The bag barely makes a sound as it rolls over the carpet of their bedroom. He sets the bag in the living room and ambles toward the opposite side of the house.

The door is always left slightly ajar and he pushes it open noiselessly. The bed on the left side of the room is occupied by both of his sons, twined together like they'd cease to exist without the other. Kyungsoo only lingers for a moment before setting to work packing a bag for both boys.

They can't stay here any longer. Kyungsoo has only ever wanted the best for himself and his boys. He loves Jongin; loves him more than he'd ever thought one human was capable of loving another. But maybe that was it; maybe he'd loved the other too intensely. It's conceivable that Kyungsoo has had his hand around Jongin's throat for far too long and Jongin is loosening his grip with bottle after bottle of alcohol.

They've got a hand around each other's throat and their boys are trapped between them, suffering the consequences of a marriage without enough love to support its crumbling foundation.

"Soo? What are you doing up?" Jongin's voice trails in from behind him.

There's a few moments where Jongin looks truly confused but then they lock eyes. Neither say anything but Jongin knows.

Kyungsoo wants to leave.

"Kyungsoo. Come back to bed." Not that he doesn't know they're having problems, but Jongin just doesn't think it's serious enough for Kyungsoo to be trying to sneak out in the middle of the night.

The smaller quickly glances at the three bags by the door and then shift his gaze to their sons' door. "I can't, Jongin."

Noticing the three bags sends a flare of anger through Jongin and his voice raises. "So that's it? You're just gonna take my sons and disappear into the night?" His teeth and fists are clenched. "For better or for worse, Kyungsoo. That's what you fucking said."

Kyungsoo shakes his head and his eyes are welling up, "Not when it puts Minseok and Luhan in danger. I can't have them around you when I can't even be sure you won't lash out at one of them." His voice drops to a whisper and his head falls, "They deserve better than this, Jonginnie. I deserve better."

Jongin falters. He unclenches his fists and tenses his fingers for a moment before letting them fall limp. "Soo, don't-"

"Appa?" Luhan is clinging to the doorframe with wet eyes. "A-Are you fighting? Don't fight with daddy. He can get better, Appa!"

Kyungsoo's posture suggests he's worn. He's been dragged through the mud and stepped on for years but that's not what is currently weighing down on him. Knowing that his four year old knows his Daddy has a problem has his heart squeezing.

Jongin leans down and plucks Luhan up off the ground. Tiny fists grab his t-shirt and his little face is pressed harshly into the juncture of Jongin's shoulder and chest. He's mumbling, something about Daddy being a good Daddy when he's not 'sick'. Jongin rubs his youngest son's back but his eyes bore into Kyungsoo. "Daddy is okay, Luhannie. Appa was just being silly but we're all going back to bed after we tuck you in. Right, Kyungsoo?" His teeth are gritted again.

"No, Luhannie. Me and you and Minnie are gonna go visit Uncle Baekhyun, how does that sound?" Kyungsoo tries to pry Luhan from Jongin but they both tighten their grip on one another defiantly. Luhan whines and Kyungsoo backs off. He'll get Minseok first.

Once their bags are in the car and a bleary-eyed Minseok in his carseat, he turns back to his husband, who's still rubbing the back of the now wailing toddler. "Jongin, please don't make this any harder."

Kyungsoo steps forward and clutches Luhan's sides, who in turn locks his hands behind Jongin's neck and sobs louder. "I'm not leaving Daddy!"

Jongin takes a long, critical look at the other and then sidesteps Kyungsoo and rounds the car to the open door. He sets Luhan in his carseat and pats his hair down. "Hannie, listen to Daddy." The toddler thrashes in his seat and nearly kicks Jongin. "Listen baby. Be a good boy for Appa and your uncles and I'll see you real soon, okay? Not long at all, I promise." He presses a kiss to his forehead and finishes buckling Luhan in.

Kyungsoo watches Jongin make his way over to Minseok and kiss him too. "Watch after Luhan." He tells the 6 year old, who nods, even though he doesn't really understand.

He shuts the door and lingers for a moment. He contemplates if he's really going to let the three most important human beings in his life just ride away.

When Jongin and Kyungsoo come face to face they're both rigid. Jongin places his hand on the other's neck and lays a kiss on his forehead. "Don't stay away too long."

"I-I'm not coming back, Jongin. Not if you don't stop drinking." It's mumbled and unconfident, nothing to suggest he means what he says.

The grip on his neck tightens but neither pull away. When Jongin speaks this time, his voice causes Kyungsoo's muscles to seize. "Bring me back my sons, Kyungsoo. I'll always be able to find them. You can't run from me."

In a moment, Kyungsoo breaks free of the hand holding him in place and is in his car pulling off.

-

"Morning."

Chanyeol is in nothing but boxers and closer to asleep than awake when Kyungsoo greets him in the morning.

His brow is furrowed when he turns and finds his boyfriend's brother in their kitchen. "Morning?" He doesn't think Baek mentioned anything about him coming over but he did fall asleep in the middle of him talking last night... "Uh. So.. How are you?"

Kyungsoo swishes around the juice in his cup and stares at it for a moment. "Not good," comes out roughly and he clears his throat. "I left him."

Chanyeol's eyes widen and he grips the counter behind him while he takes a minute to process this. "Wow." He rolls the thought around in his mind a little longer. "And the boys?"

"They're in the guest room." Chanyeol turns his head in that direction. "I'm sorry for just appearing in the middle of the night but I didn't know where else to go. Our mom is so far and-"

"No, no! It's fine! You know you're always welcome here, and we'll help you watch the boys until.." He trails off. Uncertainty taints the future of the twenty-six year old and his kids. "Until you don't need our help."

Kyungsoo nods and squeezes his hands tighter around his cup. "Thank you."

-

The sixth day after he's left is the hardest yet. Luhan hasn't stopped wailing for his daddy for a minute and Minseok is coming down with a cold. With Baekhyun still at work and Chanyeol out running errands, it's just him and the boys. He's having a hard time applying for jobs with Luhan pulling on his pants leg and having to get up to check on his eldest every twenty minutes.

His four year old is standing in the middle of the living room with a tight grip on his favorite stuffed dog and tears in his eyes when Kyungsoo comes back from checking in on Minseok.

"Appa, I want Daddy! I want him now!" For such a young boy, he sounds so grief-stricken. "Please, Appa i'll be good, I promise."

He kneels by his son and wraps him in his arms. "Oh Luhan. Luhan, this isn't because you've been bad, angel. Daddy just... Daddy needs some time for himself so he can make himself a better Daddy for you and your big brother."

"I don't want a better Daddy! Daddy is perfect."

Kyungsoo tips the boy's head up and kisses him right between the eyes. "I wish he was, baby. Come on, lets get you some dinner."

-

Sailing is a little smoother after their confrontation; Luhan helps Uncle Baekhyun with dinner and for once gets in bed with no problems (but with a promise from Uncle Channie that he'll teach him how to play guitar tomorrow).

A call wakes him in the middle of the night. He grabs his phone off the nightstand so the loud buzzing against the wood won't wake the boys up.

Jongin

Written across his screen in plain unassuming, little black letters is his name.

His heart rate spikes and his hands tremble as his grip on the phone loosens a little. The phone vibrates for an eternity before it goes still and the room is filled to the brim with stark silence. He hasn't heard Jongin's voice in nearly a week. They've been inseparable practically since the moment they stepped into the same classroom so many years ago.

They've been together for years but now that he's left, Kyungsoo is finally breathing easy. The hold Jongin has had on him is finally slackening. It's just small gasps right now, like those first painful gulps of oxygen after being held underwater, but it's a fresh start for his little family.

-

4 new voicemails
2 new text messages

It's been like this for a while. Jongin calls and calls and sends texts and calls Baekhyun and it's getting to be too much. Kyungsoo can barely breathe without his phone lighting up. He missed out on a decent job opportunity because of the constant buzzing from Jongin's calls. No amount of pleas or explanations that his brother's friend Yixing was watching his kids could change the manager's mind.

He's been gone so many weeks he's stopped counting them, the constant calls have dwindled in number but still come frequently enough to be considered harassment. He doesn't listen to the voicemails anymore; they no longer slice his gut with guilt and now just raise his internal temperature and harden the lines of his face.

-

He's gotten a job now, working full time as a secretary for a small media company. The hours aren't outrageous, actually a little better than the job he had before adopting Minseok and quitting his job. The pay is enough for him to save a little away each paycheck for a future apartment.

The calls stop coming after a few months. The last call comes one night when Kyungsoo has had an exceptional day. The boys gave him very little trouble waking up that morning, Baekhyun had breakfast cooked for them when they came to the kitchen and he didn't have any problems at work. Kyungsoo's unusually upbeat mood prompted Chanyeol to suggest they all go out for dinner and ice cream.

With full bellies they head to the ice cream shop near their apartment. Luhan's hand is clasped protectively in Kyungsoo's own while Minseok is being swung between his uncles. Spirits are high and they all feel something they haven't felt in years.

They feel the bonds of their family strengthening.

The familiar tones of a phone ringing starts as they're crossing the street. Kyungsoo fishes in his pocket for the device once they've safely crossed and are making their way into the shop.

He squeezes Luhan's hand a little tighter when he sees Jongin written across the screen.

"Baek," he holds Luhan's hand out for the older to take and mouths Jongin's name to explain himself.

"Appa?" Luhan sounds panicked.

"Its okay baby. I'll be inside in just a second, go with your uncle." A hand placed on his back and a small smile sends him towards Baekhyun.

He can hear Chanyeol asking what flavor they want as he brings the phone to his ear.

Through a tense jaw he speaks the first words he's spoken to Jongin in months. Its a snappy "Why do you keep calling me? What do you want?"

There's silence on the other line for a moment and then, "Kyungsoo... Kyungsoo please come home. I miss y-"

"I told you I'm not coming back, Jongin. Not until you stop drinking at least. They boys and I are doing much better without you." He tones pitches higher and his temper is flaring, "So stop calling me and Baek. We've started over and I've come too far already to turn back and head right back into the same shitty situation."

"Please, Kyungsoo. Please, I need you; I need the boys. God, I miss them so much its driving me insane."

The elder takes a moment to breathe before he speaks again. "Maybe we can be together again when we're better people. It feels like a waste for most of our lives to be thrown out the window because of alcohol." He pauses and then finishes softly, "Get some help, Jongin. Goodbye."

The line drops and Kyungsoo takes a moment to collect himself. A flush of pride washes through him. He finally did it. He stood up for himself and his kids against his biggest foe. He stood up for his family and his happiness and he feels liberated.

-

The calendar flips to August and then September and there isn't a word from Jongin.

Halloween passes and Kyungsoo is making preparations to move out of his brother's house within a few months.

Christmas and the new year bring about an underlying sadness and flitting thoughts of regret when the boys are visibly upset that their Daddy won't be spoiling them with gifts this year. Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol do their best with what they have and their parents and friends throw in a few small gifts.

Though they look excited, Kyungsoo knows Luhan and Minseok well enough to catch them sneaking glances at the door and watch the gradual defeat drag their shoulders down as they realize Daddy really isn't coming.

-

They move into a two bedroom apartment closer to Kyungsoo's work in March.

Everyone has mixed feelings. There's excitement bubbling in Kyungsoo for knowing that he can support himself and his sons all on his own. But there's also cold panic and fear when he finally realizes what alone truly means. His brother and Chanyeol won't be around all the time to help him. He's a single parent. They promise they'll always be around if he needs them, no more than a 15 minute walk. Kyungsoo doesn't want to take up anymore of their time though.

He has to be independent for this first time in his life.

-

When summer comes back around the family reunites when Kyungsoo and Baekhyun's mother insists they visit her.

They all tiptoe around the subject of Kyungsoo's failed marriage, though their mother never got a full report on what happened. She absolutely spoils her beautiful grandsons for the few weeks that they stay with her.

-

The very next Spring Chanyeol proposes to his long time boyfriend while they're all vacationing at the beach.

Baekhyun changes his last name the next Spring. The wedding is a grand spectacle with his two favorite nephews as ring bearers.

Kyungsoo is infinitely happy for his brother but the exchanging of rings has him unconsciously touching his ring finger and thinking of his own wedding ring sitting in his bathroom at home. He tries not to let it show when he starts thinking of his own wedding years ago. He doesn't want anyone to know when the image of Jongin beaming up at him with an open box in his hand won't leave the forefront of his mind.

Laying in bed that night he lets it all crash down on him. He thinks of how their honeymoon had to be cut a few days short because Jongin had a severe allergic reaction to some seafood local to Busan.

The fondest memories they have together are of adopting Minseok and then Luhan only a few months after. Luhan was only a few months old when he joined the family, while Minseok was already a shy 2 year old. It took Minseok a few months to finally warm up to his new parents and another half of a year to realize they were now a permanent structure in his life.

He falls asleep with a heavy heart that doesn't seem to lighten for weeks.

-

The day after Kyungsoo's birthday there's a knock on their door. 9 year old Minseok pauses from his homework to open it after Appa makes a request from the laundry room.

There's the sound of the deadbolt and then complete silence for a stretch of about a minute.

Minseok isn't sure if the man standing before him is really who he thinks he is. It looks like his Daddy but... this man looks very different from what he remembers. The physical features are the same but his entire demeanor is different.

This man holds himself with obvious confidence and he's dressed more conservatively than Daddy ever did.

"Hi Minnie," The voice is what convinces him that this is definitely his Daddy. The smile stretching across his face serves as a confirmation.

"Minseok who is it?" Kyungsoo shouts as he peels Luhan out of his freshly ruined pajamas. He'll never understand how one boy can make such a big mess with so little cake. Kids. He shakes his head.

"Daddy!" Minseok launches himself at the man and is immediately wrapped in a familiar embrace.

Every muscle in Kyungsoo's body seizes only a moment before a mostly naked Luhan darts out of his hold and towards the front door.

A happy shout of "Hannie" shoots panic into Kyungsoo's system. He stiffly makes his way to the door and is greeted with the sight of both his boys in Jongin's arms.

The younger man's expression softens at the sight of his husband. "Soo." It comes out between a sigh and a coo.

Jongin sets the boys on the ground and makes his way in the apartment. His shoes are left by the door and his sons are attached to his pants legs when he hugs Kyungsoo for the first time in years.

Kyungsoo tensely endures the hug. He gives the other a full appraisal when he takes a step back a moment later. His voice is hoarse when he speaks. "You look good. Better."

The other nods enthusiastically. "2 years, 3 months, 14 days." No explanation is needed for Kyungsoo to know this the amount of time he's been sober. He cups Kyungsoo's cheek. "I'm doing better. I have a better job and I wash my own laundry and make dinner myself. I feel like I've changed my whole life. But I need my family back to make me whole."

There's a moment of quiet where Kyungsoo is searching his face for any possible hint of deception and then he's pressing forward. Their lips touch and Kyungsoo gives into Jongin exactly the way he used to.

"Welcome home."

-

The following fall, there's a second wedding.