Fall (Bangtan Sonyeondan BTS Alternate Universe)

4. Awakening

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes it was dark out, black pitch creeping into the building from the windows.

By now my hand felt clammy in Star's, and I pulled it away gently, trying not to wake her. She stirred and stared at me sleepily, looking around before standing and tugging me up.

She walked outside and I followed, reaching my hand behind me to feel Levi following silently.

We walked for a while, until the sun began to rise, an orange glow coating the horizon and setting a golden ambience that felt otherworldly.

The sun was peeking up shyly, gaining confidence as we continued to walking, one foot in front of the other, over and over until the monotony started to feel comfortable.

Walking, it was the same everywhere.

Moving your feet, you're always going to something, going towards someone, whether you're aware of it or not. Your mind simultaneously pauses and delves deep into your thoughts, and it's a blissful compilation of emptiness and self-knowing.

Eventually, when the sun was arrogant, rising higher into the sky, brazenly exposed and proudly shining on everything, warming my chilled body and waking me up more, I found myself staring at something that must be our destination.

I knew I was right when Star tried to begin to slow down, her little legs scrambling to keep up with my longer strides. I finally realize that she must think I'm trying to be obnoxious, so I shorten my steps, and try not to notice the embarrassed, angry look on her face.

We stopped, and I stared out for a while, breathing deeply. I don't know how long we had walked, and I don't know why we had to come here, but I did my best to look appreciative.

It was an empty pool, a lone, tattered mattress in the center. The walls were covered in graffiti, and a few paces away there was a little shack with a charred pit in front of it, like they had bonfires here often.

I looked at Star, waiting patiently for her to say or do whatever she brought me here for.

Maybe she'll push me into the pool. Maybe she brought me here to kill me....

That's ridiculous, come on, she has a bit of a temper but she seems sweet.

Come on, she's in a fucking gang, how sweet can she be?

I can't judge people just for that, I've done bad things too. Besides, I'm in a gang now too.

I'm in a gang. It's a bizzare thought. I suppose I should feel disgusted or repelled, but I don't really feel much of anything about it. It's a fact, it's true, it happened, I'm in a gang. What am I supposed to do about it? Does it mean I'm a different person? I don't want it to. I don't think it will. I don't feel any different.

I heard a sharp snap, and I jumped to look at a petite hand in front of my face.

I bit my lip lightly, trying to look apologetic.

"Look I know I'm hot but come on you can't zone out fantasizing every time I'm around you," Star said, a light tone to her voice.

I shrugged raising my eyebrows. "Can't be helped I guess," I joked, my lips pulling into a gentle grin. She snorted, winking at me before her face turned serious.

Oh no, am I in trouble? Is this some sort of initiation, am I going to have to kill someone? Is this a test, do I have to pass it to get into the gang, to survive?

"Listen to me very carefully please," she spoke softly, her voice low and serious.

I nodded, gulping slightly.

"I want you to close your eyes okay. Think of the person you were 2 days ago. Think of your name. Keep it on your tongue, hold it close," she spoke in a voice that reminded me of all those yoga and meditation videos.

Though I couldn't help but think this was a very strange thing to do, I did what she said.

"Now erase it. Toss it away. Get rid of it. Bury it in the depths of your mind, where it can never return. You're not the same person you were before. You can't be. It will kill you. The you from before. You have to let go of her, you can't be her anymore," she explained, and I gulped deeply, feeling my stomach tightening.

"Now tell me, what's your name," she said, and I opened my eyes, my lips immediately forming my name, as it had rehearsed thousands of times from schooling and officers and friends' parents.

"No! The new you. You make a new name for yourself, make a new you for yourself," she spoke quickly, shouting out her words in a rush.

"Take your time. Think of who you want to be, because today is the day you died. Who do you want to be reborn as?" She said, and I gulped, feeling overwhelmed.

She was talking about death and rebirth, and I started to feel myself as someone about to fall off the edge of the world into a fiery pit of terrifying uncertainty in the form of tumultuous oceans of lava and simmering magma.

Who did I want to be? Who? Who could I be? Who was the real me? Who is the me that I repressed? Tougher me, stronger me, ruthless me, badass me? The me that would survive in a gang, thrive in a gang.

I felt a coldness on my arm, and I looked to see Levi stepping forward next to me, our shoulders brushing past each other.

"Angel," Levi spoke up for the first time since the gas station. I smiled lightly, of course Levi would be that. She always was the nicer one.

Her words gave me an idea, and I smirked, staring into Star's awaiting eyes.

My name was going to signify the way I lived. It would reflect my behaviour, my views, and my personality.

The words rolled off my tongue easily, like they had been meant for me, had waited all this time to surface.

"Sin."