Fall (Bangtan Sonyeondan BTS Alternate Universe)

59. Hormones vs Emotions

**** the suffering is almost over okay don't hate me too much ****

I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my downtrodden reflection. Alcohol burned in my stomach, but it did nothing to calm my nerves.

My depressing thoughts were interrupted, and my eyes locked with Namjoon's through the mirror.

He leaned against the door frame, and the thick scent of booze wafted into my nostrils, overpowering my senses.

I watched his figure coming closer through the tainted glass.

One touch was enough to make my knees go weak. I blamed it on the fact that I hadn't been around Namjoon like this since before everything started going wrong.

"You're all I have left." His voice was muffled, as his face pressed into the crook of my neck, but his sentiments were clear enough. His arms snaked around my waist, sly fingers sneaking under my shirt to press against tender skin.

"What about Star, and Angel?"

Once again our eyes met in the mirror, his silently begging me not to mention them.

Why?

"Xan, please, not now...."

It was the first time I had heard him say my name. My real name, yes, the me that was hidden behind tough exteriors of arrogance and fearlessness.

Fake, fake, oh so fake.

My stomach churned, but it wasn't from the alcohol anymore, and I gulped a little, staring at our dirty reflections, suddenly nervous. His hooded eyes stared right into mine, and I sighed a breath of relief when he finally broke away, looking down.

Of course, I shouldn't have been relieved, as he pulled my hair away from my neck, his cold fingers brushing the skin so softly that I shivered under the caress.

As soon as my neck was exposed, he latched his lips onto the sensitive skin, somewhere in between gentle and violent. I didn't fight back the moans, instead allowing myself to enjoy this fleeting moment of pleasure.

"I want," his breath came in hot puffs against my trembling skin, "I want to get lost with you, right now."

I shifted my eyes away from the mirror, directly looking into his, panting slightly. "Okay."

His lips pressed against mine the instant the words left my lips, and I turned my body to press against his.

Not satisfied with that, I pulled away, slipping my dress off just as Namjoon pulled me back. His hands gladly slid down the slope of my back as I unbuttoned his shirt. He slipped it off of his arms, leaning away from me as the shirt dropped to the floor.

My fingers blindly grabbed his waistband, slipping inside to push against his hipbones before moving to unbutton them.

When we were bare, he wasted no time in picking me up, roughly holding my butt as he pressed me against the wall.

And we got lost together, forgetting everything but touch for a blissful while.

~

I wish I had woken up sooner, and stopped him.

I wish I hadn't woken up at all, hadn't seen his note, his journals that were stained with my tears.

Love letters only made my heart constrict in pain, knowing that the person behind the words had gone to a place where I couldn't follow him.

I wish I hadn't found out what had happened.

I wish I could go back to the beginning and do it all right this time.

I wish that wishing would do something other than tear me up inside.

I wish he hadn't left me.

I wish.

Dearest Xan,

I'm sorry for this. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but I'm in too deep. You, you can move on, yeah? Get out of this wretched place, get your normal life back. But there's no hope for me. Maybe there never was.

Don't end up like me, please.

I'm sorry I dragged you into all of this. It was selfish, I should have rejected you, not welcomed you so easily.

I wish I never went to that gas station and involved you and your friend. I'm sorry for what happened, truly.

I love you. I should have told you, but I was too scared. Pathetic really, to confess when I'm gone by the time you'll read this, but I can't bear it anymore.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Goodbye, my love

~ and then there were none ~