Suicide Notes

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Anna-

"I just can't do it, Caleb." Danica's choked whisper accompanied the tears dripping down her face, as she stared anxiously at him. "Can you go without me?'

This reaction from her didn't surprise me a bit. In many ways, Danica reminded me of a small child who was afraid to face reality. Caleb had always been more like the parent in his family—even as a child, checking in and making sure everyone else was protected and their needs met. It certainly was a dysfunctional relationship, to say the least.

"Seriously?" Caleb seemed completely stunned and disappointed. "Jessi's your only child. You don't want to be part of this?"

The urge to wrap my arms around him overwhelmed me. I wondered if anyone had ever protected him. Had anyone been there to support him when he was going through something difficult? Had they wiped away his tears? Or was he always the strong one?

"She said she doesn't want to go. I don't see how she can put it any plainer," Hank spoke from the recliner, where he was flipping channels between different sporting events.

"I'm guessing that means you have no intention of going either?" Caleb said, staring at his dad, his expression growing hard. "No last words for your stepdaughter?"

Hank didn't bother to reply, which was his answer. Caleb glanced to where his stepmom was now wiping down the kitchen counter, keeping her eyes downcast. I didn't miss the clenching of Caleb's jaw. He was angry. Without saying another word, he strode across the room and removed the urn that held Jessi's ashes from the mantle.

"Come on, Anna. I guess it's just you, me, and Jessi today."

My heart was breaking as I followed him out the door to his Jeep. Ever the gentleman, he opened the passenger door and handed me the urn, once I was seat belted.

Watching him as he climbed in the driver's seat, I grappled for something to say that might soothe him. "I'm sorry, Caleb." I rested my hand affectionately on his leg. "I know this is hard on you." It wasn't much, but at least he would know I was on his side and that I cared.

Resting his hand on top of mine, he squeezed it gently. "Don't apologize. You're the one who is always there when I need someone." Unsure of how to respond, I simply turned my hand over so I could grasp his. He shifted slightly, his fingers sliding in between mine.

My breath caught. He'd never held my hand like this before; and I couldn't help the silly girl feelings that rose hopefully inside me. I'd long since forced myself to quit imagining he might be into me someday. He was out of my league and, unfortunately, he'd only ever see me as another kid sister. But I didn't care; I simply wanted to be part of his life any way I could be. I loved him.

Glancing up, I saw he was staring at our clasped hands too. Automatically, I closed my fingers tighter around his, hoping my touch would bring him the same comfort his brought me. A muscled ticked in his jaw as he ground his teeth together and he pulled away as if he'd been burned.

Stunned, I sat there with my hand limply on his leg until he started the car; then I moved it, cradling the urn in my lap. Whatever I'd done had obviously upset him. Biting my lip nervously, I realized I'd completely misread the situation. A flush of humiliation spread like a heat wave across my cheeks. Turning away, I stared, unspeaking, through the passenger side window, so he couldn't see my face.

Millions of thoughts raced through my mind, trying to make sense of things between us. I finally concluded I was overreacting. His heart was hurting as badly as mine was; and his parents were abandoning him again, during a time when he needed them most. Feeling bad for thinking it, I sometimes just wanted to punch Danica and Hank. Caleb had been more of a mother and father to Jessi than their parents had ever been. It worked fine that way for her, but who did Caleb have when he needed someone—especially now that Jessi was gone? She had been his only real support in that family. He must feel completely lost right now.