Suicide Notes

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Anna-

Carefully lifting Caleb's shirts, I checked each one to see what might fit me the best and offer me some sort of modesty protection. Not that it would really help me any. Caleb had been looking at me all night like I was a slab of meat hanging on a stick and he was the king of the lion pride. A smile stole across my face and I bit my bottom lip. I was excited, but scared too.

Taking out a red shirt, I paused when a piece a crumpled paper fell to the floor. Smiling, I picked it up, wondering what lyrics Caleb had been composing and been frustrated with. It seemed he always had scraps of paper like this laying around somewhere.

Carefully unfolding it, I began reading, only to feel the color drain from my face when I immediately recognized Jessi's handwriting:

Caleb,

Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. Whatever happens now, I want you to know I love you, and it's because I love you that I'm doing this.

You've been a wonderful brother to me, ever since we first met. I can't count the times you've stepped in, trying to protect my mom and me from your dad. Life wasn't easy for any of us, but my happiest memories revolved around moments with you.

This is hard for me to tell you, but in spite of us being stepbrother and sister, I don't feel that way about you. For a long time I've wished maybe you could see me in a different light too. I realize now that isn't the case. Someone else holds your heart, and it's not the girl you're currently dating.

A couple of months ago, Mom and Hank had a big fight. I couldn't stand all the yelling, so I snuck out of the house and took the ferry over to Seattle. When I got to your apartment there was a wild party going on. Some guy grabbed me when I came in and tried to kiss me, but Riley pushed him off and told me to go to your room where I'd be safe. I saw you were asleep in there and I tried to wake you until I realized you were passed out from partying. Since there was nothing else to do, I laid down on the other side of your bed and fell asleep.

Sometime later I woke to you kissing me. I'm guessing you don't remember since you've never said anything about it and you act like nothing happened. But something did happen, Caleb. You and I . . .well, we slept together.

Please don't hate me. It was so dark, but I was awake enough to know exactly what we were doing. What I didn't realize was you thought you were with someone else. Not until the end, when you called out Anna's name.

Hearing you say that tore me apart. As soon as you were asleep, I got dressed and snuck out. I couldn't face you right then. I did my best to avoid you for the next week or so, but if you noticed, you didn't say anything. When you finally came home to check on Mom and me, you greeted me with the same brotherly hug and smile as always. You obviously didn't remember anything.

Part of me wanted to tell you, but I couldn't figure out how to start the conversation. Then I thought if you didn't remember, maybe I could just pretend nothing happened and we could go back to how things were before. That's not going to work either.

I'm pregnant, Caleb. Yes, the baby is yours. I haven't been with anyone else. I'm so scared, and I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm only seventeen. If I tell you about this pregnancy, I know you'll do the honorable thing. You'll offer to marry me and raise the baby. I can't do that to you, knowing you're in love with Anna. Plus, I'm pretty certain she has feelings for you too. What would that do to her to see us together with a baby? I thought about giving it up for adoption and not naming the father, but that doesn't seem fair to you either. I don't think I could live with myself if I aborted your baby. It's greedy of me, but it's part of you and me together. I want to keep it. If I keep the baby and you admit you're the father, I have no doubt in my mind that Hank will have you thrown in jail for statutory rape. He's been after you ever since you testified against him about abusing Mom. On top of all that, even though we aren't actually blood related in any way, you know people are going to say this is an incestuous relationship. I don't care what they say about me, Caleb, but I do care what they say about you, and I'd care about what they'd call our child. People can be so nasty.