Suicide Notes

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

Caleb-

Desperation to escape my own head had driven me to the bottom of way too many bottles of alcohol. The corner of my bedroom was beginning to resemble a glass recycling plant, but I had yet to find the relief I was seeking—except for those blessed few hours I managed to drink myself into a passed out cold oblivion. That was the only time my tortured mind was completely silent—when my alcohol soaked brain could only function enough to keep me alive.

Sleep wasn't my friend either, with dreams viciously plaguing me, twisting between nightmares of Jessi and lustful delusions of Anna. I couldn't seem to find any way to escape; and I wondered if this was how Jessi had felt when she took her own life. Misery was my company.

Unbidden, the feel of Anna's body in my arms and the way she responded to my kiss still lit up my senses. It had been two days now; and despite my drunken stupor, I relived the moment over and over, until it was etched into my memory forever. I even imagined a few different, and definitely more scandalous, endings. There was no getting around it, I wanted her badly.

The door to my bedroom swung open and I lifted my head to see Stix enter. He cast a concerned glance in my direction. "Got a minute?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, dropping my head back to my pillow in exhaustion, thinking I was suddenly feeling way too coherent again.

Shutting the door behind him, he walked over and plopped his lanky form into the black leather chair beside my bed, rubbing a hand over his recently buzzed, sandy hair. "You wanna talk?"

"Nope." I didn't even have to think about it. There was no way I could tell this to anyone. They wouldn't understand.

"Well, too bad. I wanna talk, so you can just lie there and listen."

I was too tired to argue with him and simply continued to stare at the ceiling.

"Riley is right. Burying your feelings in a bottle of Jack isn't going to help you at all. You seemed to be getting better, but then something happened the day you went to spread Jessi's ashes. And I think I know what it is."

I snorted. "You couldn't possibly have any idea." In a million years, even I would never have come up with this scenario.

He paused for a moment and I hoped he would go away. "Fine. I'll leave you alone. This is going nowhere." He stood and headed toward the door, pausing as he reached for the handle. "Oh, by the way, I figured I should run something by you and the rest of the band."

I sighed, wishing he would leave me to wallow in peace. "What?"

"I plan on asking Anna out on a date."

"Like hell you will!" I practically shouted, pushing up on my elbows to glare at him. The speed with which I moved made my head spin. "You stay away from her!" A knowing grin spread widely across his face and I realized, instantly, I'd been duped. This was all a ploy to get me to admit my feelings for her. "Eat shit, asshole," I mumbled, collapsing back to my bed as he strolled to the chair once more.

"Now that we have that out of the way," he began, "I have to wonder why you're fighting this so hard. It's clear to all of us you're crazy about her. I think she feels the same way about you too; so why not go for it? It's gotta be better than wasting your days searching for the bottom of a bottle." He cast a nod toward my growing glass sculpture in the corner.

"It's not that simple. Believe me, if it was, I'd have done something about it long ago."

"Do you want her?" he asked, point blank.