Lightweight

Lightweight : Chapter Four

                          The final bell rang. I grabbed my book bag and raced out. While speed walking over to the exit one girl bumped me, mumbling the word ' Slut '. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped and looked to see who the girl was. She had looked back snickering. I didn't even know who she was, but it sure made me feel like a piece of shit to know that someone I don't even know thinks I'm a slut. I shrugged it off and kept moving

I went outside and saw Ayden standing there waiting for me with a big smile on his face.

"We're going to Roadridge park, is that okay?" He asked. I nodded my head and we began to walk.

While walking toward the corner I saw Scott, staring straight at me. He didn’t look angry at me nor did he look disappointed in me. He sort of looked at me, like I was sad, like I was pitiful. I felt like it, looking at him staring at me. I felt as sad as he thought I was. And I was.

We walked right passed him. I looked back and he turned wistfully, his eyes blank. I felt like crying at that moment. I just wanted to run into his arms.

When we got to the park I went straight for the swings.

I sat on the cold icy seat, tightening my grip on the rusty chains. I began to kick and drag my feel against the ground to make me go high. I felt like I was a child again. The times when I was actually happy and felt good about myself. The times where everything felt good and nothing hurt.

Ayden walked in front of me and stopped the swing. Then he pressed his lips against mine. I didn’t resist.

Ayden stopped kissing me but kept his forehead on mine. You could see our breath as we looked at each other. For some reason this moment didn't feel right. I didn't feel complete. I didn't feel….anything.

I got up off the swing as Ayden grabbed my waist from behind.

"What's up with you and that Scott guy? He was eyeing you when we were leaving for the park." He whispered in my ear. Him whispering in my ear sent shivers down my back and the hairs on my neck stand up.

"It’s nothing. We're just really good friend is all" I shrugged. Ayden then let go of my waist and slipped his hand into mine. I didn't really feel anything though. No butterflies, palm sweating, heart racing, nothing.

It was about 6:30 and it was getting really dark out. We started our way out of the park and on the bus. My stomach was talking to me the whole day but I refused to feed it.

We reached our stop and Ayden offered to walk me over to my house. It was quiet but it was only because I was thinking of this question I wanted to ask him.

"Ayden," I started. “What do you think, of me?"

"Well," He said grabbing my hand. "You’re cool," That wasn't the answer I was looking for, so continued to push the question.

"Yeah, and?"

"I don't know, you're pretty," He smiled. I said nothing after that. I removed my hand from Ayden's and put my hand in my pocket. Ayden started to look like one of those jerks again. And it looked like I was falling into his trap.

We reached my house and Ayden walked me to my doorstep.

"I had fun today, Syd," He smirked. I looked down. The question thing kept reenacting over and over in my head. I was thinking about if he even liked me or not. He suddenly lifted my head and tried to kiss me, but I pushed away immediately.

He looked at me with grief. "No hug?” He held out his arms, waiting for me to walk into them, but surprisingly, to him, I didn't.

"Okay then," He said backing off my porch. He was bitter. "I don't know what your problem is but you just missed out. You could've been somebody with me, but that's just fine," He walked away from my porch and that’s when it finally hit me that Ayden just wanted to get me in bed like all the other girls he's hung out with. I always end up looking like the idiot. I am the idiot. Thinking that he actually wanted to get to know me. What would make a guy like that want to get to know a girl like me. Nothing. Nothing would ever, ever, ever, ever, make a guy like that, want a girl like me. I didn't really feel anything anyway. I just wanted tomorrow to come, then the weekend.

I got inside my house. All the lights where off. I walked straight into my room, stripped off my school clothes and got into my pajamas and went downstairs to the kitchen. I haven't eaten since last week, I was starving.

I opened the fridge and reheated the dinner mom saved for me. When the food was finished, I took it out from the microwave and sat down at the table. I began to cram the food down my throat. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. But then I felt something rushing up my throat. Then there it was, vomit. I had just regurgitated the food I had eaten. My stomach felt hollow again and I still was hungry.

I gave up and went upstairs.

I wasn't feeling too good after that though. I got in my bed and buried myself into the covers, shivering. I tried to close my eyes but these horrible thoughts kept flashing in my mind. I bit on to my pillow and yelled. I yelled a million times into the pillow, but the pain I was feeling didn't get better, it got worst.

I got up from the bed, went into the bathroom and open the cabinet. I got out my sleeping pills and sat on the toilet. Tears slowly streamed down my face. I looked at the medicine bottle and then at the ceiling. Then I thought of what Scott said the day before. I took a deep breathe. I drank only one sleeping pill and went back into my room. I laid in the bed, closed my eyes and I was asleep in an instant.