Lightweight

Lightweight : Chapter Eight

                          I walked out of the house and threw the bag full of pancakes in the dumpster.

I reached Scott's front door and began to knock. I waited no answer. I knocked again and waited some more, still no answer. I gave up and started to walk off the porch when I heard the door open. I turned quickly and saw Scott's mother in a long nightgown and bags under her eyes. I also saw a 5o'clock shadow, I wasn't sure.

 "Hey Mrs. Covington," I smiled walking back up to the door.

 "Hey sweetie," She rubbed her eyes. “You  looking for Scott?" She leaned in the doorframe.

"Yeah, is he home?” I asked.

She yawned. “I’ll go get him;" She turned around and closed the door. I was so scared that if she told him that I was here he'd not want to come to the door.

A few seconds later Scott opened the door rubbing his eyes. He had a white t-shirt and red pajama pants on. He looked drop dead gorgeous after being awoken from sleep. His hair was all messy and grungy and his eyes were low. He was so beautiful, it hurt.

He didn't say anything. He just stared at me. I didn't know how to start the apology. I had so much to say that I didn't even know where to start.

"Scott, I’m really sorry," I bit my lip nervously. He still stared at me without saying a word. He folded his arms and leaned in the doorframe. He didn't look satisfied. "I should've never acted like a jerk when all you were doing was trying to help me. I didn't listen to you and now look where I am and what I’m going through. Scott, you don't know how sorry I am, seriously,"

He looked at the ground and then at me. "You where being a jerk," He mumbled.

"And I'm sorry for that," I said desperately. He looked back to the ground, still not satisfied. "Scott, you can't ignore me forever," I pleaded.

"Yes I can,"

It got silent. I began to believe him. I'm just a fuck up. I just fucked up my best friendship with Scott all because I wanted to date some prick at my school. Shallow. Shallow, shallow, shallow.

Then a smile to crept up on Scott's face. "No I can't," He opened his arms for a hug. I walked toward him as he wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest. I didn't want to let go.

"Would you like to go change into some regular clothes so we could hangout?" I let go of him.

He nodded and walked me to his living room so I could wait for him while he got ready.

"Where’re we going?" Scott said walking down the stairs putting his phone into his back pocket. Scott looked particularly sexy lately and it wasn't good, for me. I was going to melt in that damn seat.

I stood up "I don't know, park, I guess," I shrugged. It got quiet, but I could feel Scott staring holes through my face.

We began down the street.

We finally reached the park. Scott began to walk fast. "I'll race ya' ," He had a devious look on his face. I grinned and we both zoomed into the park.

I wasn't very athletic. I wasn't athletic at all, so Scott was a few feet ahead of me. I could feel myself running out of breathe. I felt weak, like I was going to faint. I tried holding myself up but I'm sure it wasn't going to last too long. But finally Scott sat down on the grass, out of breathe, when soon after I ran over and tackled him to the grass.

I got off of him after he surrendered. “I’m really tired," I said panting. I looked at Scott as he stared at me smiling. I looked down and started to play with the grass. I think it was about time for me to tell Scott about what has been going on with me. I felt like he needed to know. That he'd earn it I guess.

"Sydney what's wrong?" Scott asked. His voice filled with concern.

I swallowed spit and looked up at Scott. “Scott, I don't know, actually" I paused.

"You don’t know what?" He asked. He had a worried look on his face, like he knew exactly where this was leading.

I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. "Let’s just say, that if I was walking in the street and a car was hurtling toward me, I wouldn’t bother to move," I shrugged. I could feel the tears build up in my eyes like a brick wall.

"Y’know, every night I think. I overthink everything. It always feels like a big weight is weighing upon my chest. Everything rushes to my head and every thought races back and forth. It's terrifying. I feel like I'm worthless, simply put on this world with no purpose. I'm just a wandering soul. I just feel like….dead weight," The brick walls finally fell. "I think about how I fuck up things for my family. How I fuck up a lot of things for myself, and the people around me," More tears flew out my eyes. I couldn't stop them. A ball began to fill in my throat. "I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't even know who I am," My tear slipped into my mouth sending the bitter taste of salt splashing onto my tongue. “I don't even eat," I mumbled. “I want to but I can't. I try to but I reject it. I feel like I subconsciously punish myself," I put my head down. "I made two attempts to jump off my roof, but each time something stopped me," I looked back up to Scott who was in utter shock. I could tell he was speechless. "My head gets all shitty. Sometimes, the pain is too hard to bear. And life, it gets so hard," I gulped down spit. "And then, I start to think about what if, just what if, someone, like you, who would care. Just to wake up one day, and I’m not there," Scott then stopped me. He grabbed me into his arms as I began to ball up and cry like a baby. Something I wanted for a while.

"Sydney, do your parents know about this?" He stopped hugging me and stood up.

I stood up right after him. "No, I didn't even want to tell you!" Tears kept falling out of my eyes.

"Well, we have to tell them," Scott turned to walk out of the park.

I quickly grabbed his arm and turned him back to me. “No, you can't! They'll make everything worse!"

"Like things could get any worse than suicide,” He grabbed my hands and looked me dead in the eyes. “Sydney, you know what, let me tell you something. I see a lot in you. You're pretty, funny, cool, Sydney you’re everything anyone could want in a girl or daughter. You haven’t fucked up anything for me. You actually make me happier, every time I see you smile, every time you talk," He paused and gulped down spit. Nervously he looked down at the ground then back up at me. "You're literally the girl of my dreams," He looked me in the eyes.

I bit my lip.

Scott cupped my face in his hand as I gulped down a big nervous wad of spit. He leaned in and kissed me. It was if I were paralyzed, in the good kind of way. My hairs were standing way up and my stomach was full of fluttering butterflies. It was comforting. I could kiss him for hours, and never stop. That's how good it is.

We took our lips apart as we put our foreheads together.

"Sydney, love is such a weak word for what I feel for you,"