Jealous | Dan Howell

6

"What's up, Phil?" I ask, sitting down on his bed, not wanting to ask about his wrist just yet.

"What happened?"

"You mean last night?"

He nods, sitting next to me and crossing his arms. "You and Dan both disappeared not even an hour into the party."

I bite my lip, "I don't remember, exactly. All I know is that I wanted him, and he wanted me, so we just..." My voice trails off.

"You slept with him?"

I just nod and feel tears start to brim in my eyes. "I was drunk, Phil, we both were. We didn't know what we were doing-"

"-Okay, okay." He sighs, "What about me, do you remember anything that happened to me?"

"Yeah, and I have to ask you," I grab his arm and pull his sleeve up before he could protest, "Why?"

He pulls his sleeve down and crosses his arms, looking to the floor, "I can't tell you."

"Phil, you can tell me anything, I'm your best friend."

"You won't understand, it'd just be a waste of breath."

"Phil, please, just tell me-"

"-I love you, okay?! As more than a friend." I freeze, but he keeps talking. "Every day you weren't here, I just made a thin cut, and I stopped the day I found out you were coming to visit. The day you left was the worst day of my life. But you're here now and everything's fine. It's not a big deal. How did you even find them?"

"It is too a big deal, Phil! What's going to happen when I leave at the end of the month? I don't want you to hurt yourself again! This morning you were laying on the bathroom floor and I tried to wake you up and I thought you were dead. I went to check your wrist for a pulse and my heart skipped a beat when I seen your wrist."

"I'm sorry," is all he says.

Shit. How do I respond to that. I love him, too, but I don't know if I love him in that way. I've just got so many other things on my mind. And by 'so many other things,' I mean Dan.

"I'm sorry, too." I respond and he shakes his head,

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes I do, Phil! If I wouldn't have moved in the first place none of this would have happened. It's my fault. I knew that my stupid dream of becoming an actress was never going to come true. I mean, yeah, I'm in a few movies, but movies that never made it into the theaters because they weren't very-"

"-Rachel, stop! You are an amazing actress and you know it. Don't ever talk bad about yourself unless you want me to disagree with everything you're saying."

I let out a small sigh and shake my head. He is just so nice, and I can't believe he's in love with me. If he were to ever ask me to be his girlfriend, I don't know if I'd be able to reject him because he's such a sweetheart.

"Phil, thank you. But seriously, it is my fault. I shouldn't have left you behind. Seeing you do this to yourself makes me upset that I ever left you."

He just hugs me, and I sigh when he tells me he loves me again.

"I love you, too." I reply.

He leans back, "but not in that way."

I look down, "I-I'm sorry, Phil. There's just so much going on right now, and-"

"-No, it's okay, I'm used to it..."

I feel my heart shatter and I hug him again, "I'm gonna go talk to Dan."

"Please don't tell him anything that we just talked about."