A Pinch of Kerry

My Person

[At Home]

I was pacing. I was pacing back and forth, back and forth. I wanted to give the kidney. That wasn't my problem. My sister literally had no one by her side. I kind of feel obligated to give her the kidney, but I don't. I feel bad for her. I always thought I would be the one to take my fathers death harder than anyone else. Actually, I thought it would be my mother. If anything, its probably my sister. My dad had been ignoring signs of a fatal disease we didn't find out about until after he died from it. It hurt so bad. I just remember being with him. I remember we were on his porch. This was before I moved to NY. We were just swinging on this bench, talking. My dad made me feel like me. No one knew me like he did. He always had an open ear. He was my person. We were swinging on the bench and he started to cough. My dad was getting older so I thought nothing of it. Then, I started seeing red trickle down his hands into his lap. I immediately rushed him to the hospital where all my relatives worked. My mother and father weren't really happy, but you could see her slowly fall to pieces when she saw her husband on a gurney. They rushed and worked their asses off. It was no help. "My person" was gone forever. My mother was the last one to speak to him. She felt his heart as it stopped beating. Ever since then, my sister turned into this monster. She stopped caring for people. I guess she figures the less she cares the less it'll hurt if we die. I just want to let her know that its okay to be scared. The darkness isn't so scary once you realize you aren't alone. I stopped pacing. I can't do this. I can't do this to James. Its unfair. When I came home he wasn't there so I figured he went home. I sent him a message to come over. If I was going to end it, I was going to end it face to face. He came over shortly after I sent the message.

"Hey." He smiled, happy to see me.

He hugged me.

I sat down, "we need to talk."

He realized the severity and sat down. I joined him.

"What happened? Is this about yesterday?" He asked.

"Sort of. I just want to tell you, face to face, I can't do this." I looked in his eyes.

"What happened? Are you okay?" He was so confused.

"Fine. I won't do this to you. The other night was great," I smiled, "but no."

"I just can't let you go. I'm ready for you to be mine. Do you not like me?"

This, all of this, hurt. It hurt so freakin bad.

"I like you, a lot. A lot a lot. I just can't right now. I'm....broken and you're....put together. I don't want anybody fixing me."

I tried to word it the best way possible. I didn't want him to think I played him. I know how that feels.

"I'll give you time," he spoke. He continued,"but when you look back, I won't be gone. I'll be standing right here, waiting."

I smiled and hugged him really tight.

[At the hospital]

I came in ready to give my kidney to my sister. Dianna prepped me for surgery and gave me a little intel on what happens in the OR. She told me do's and don't's of post-surgery. We still had our little girl talk. Then, my sister rolls in, in a wheelchair.

"Could you give us a minute Vell?" She asked.

"Of course," she left.

"What are you doing? I told you, I'm giving you this kidney." I said.

"No, actually, you're not. There's a donor who is going to give it to me."

I opened my mouth to speak, but she put her hands up.