A Pinch of Kerry

Is It Real?

I came home late. I was so tired. I had gotten through 5 pieces. I wanted to work late now so when it came time for Thanksgiving, I would be free. I wouldn't have to worry about coming back from break to truck loads of work. I plopped down on my couch and reached for my phone. I had so many messages and missed calls. I just wanted to roll into a ball in my bed. I figured I should go visit James. We hadn't talked in a while and I felt bad for not being there. He had supported me through a lot and I barely called him. Thats not reciprocation. I walked back out my house to go visit James. I put my key in the ignition and called Di.

"Hey girl!" She greeted.

"Hey. How are you?" I fixed my mirrors and put her on speaker.

"Better. Dave is truly a blessing. He's been helping me. How are YOU is the question. You sound so glum."

"I've just been working late. All this working is reminding me why I never had a job in the first place." I sighed.

"Keep your head up and just remember that you love it." She advised.

"It sounds like you're giving me my own advice." I joked.

"I am. How's James?"

"I'm on my way to his house now. I've been working a lot and I haven't seen him often." I said shamefully.

"Well, call me back after you're done."

"If I'm not sleep...."

"Thats not what I said." She said smartly.

"Girl bye." I hung up on her.

I drove to a McDonald's for a caramel frappe. The girl at the drive through was super ghetto. She handed me my drink with her nails practically wrapped around the cup. Then, I had finally arrived at James' house. I pulled out the key he gave me one night and turned the lock. I walked in, dropped the key on his coffee table, and looked for him.

"James!" I called out while I sipped my coffee. I walked to his bedroom and peeked through the door. Candles were lit and it was dark. Was he preparing something for me? Then, I saw a woman appear from his bathroom and lay on his bed half naked. I knew exactly what was going on. It was only a matter of time before he appeared half naked also. I just walked out. I didn't break anything or make any noise because I didn't want to see his face. I didn't want to hear his voice. I opened the door and slammed it closed. I hopped into my car and started my car immediately pulling out. James snatched open the door and ran after me. I had half a mind to run him over. Charlotte's a lawyer. She could help me with my case. I decided against it and just drove off. I didn't look back or glance into my rearview mirrors.

[At home]

It was weird because I didn't cry. I kind of just.....stared into space. It wasn't much hurt in me, but more as, confusion. Why would you string me along like that? Why would you question my relationship with another man when you had one with another woman? I figured not crying anymore, because this is the second time it has happened to me. Maybe it is me. Maybe its something other women have that I don't. I won't change myself though. I am who I am, take it or leave it. I knew that, that was a major reason in why I wasn't crying. While I was single I had found myself. I got comfortable in my own skin, and I'll be damned if some pretty eyed, light skin messed all that up. Even after all this, I was still sad. I cared about him, a lot. I was hoping we could one day move in together and have a dog or something. All I could hear was my dads voice, "let it go, kid." This is when the tears started to fall. I miss my dad. Its moments like this where I would come over and lay my head on his chest and we'd talk about it. I heard a knock at my door. I prepared myself for if it was James. I walked sluggishly in my pajama pants and peeped through the peep hole. John's goofy cheesy smile in the peep hole made me crack a smile.

I opened the door, "Yes?"

"What's wrong with you?" He immediately frowned.

"None of your business." I leaned against the door.

"You will always be my business." He walked in without an invite.

"Is that why you're here? To talk business?" I closed the door.

"Yes, if that means you tell me whats wrong."

"John...." I rubbed my face.

"Seriously Kerr, tell me." He pulled me to my couch and guided me to sit down.

"We're over." I just said it. He knew what I was talking about. He sat in silence just contemplating it all.

"Are you okay?" He finally spoke.

"I'm fine, for the most part." I shrugged.

"You're not fine." He pulled in for a hug.

"I know what not fine feels like. This isn't it." I said into his muscular shoulder. I couldn't help but smell his colagne.

"I'm here for you." He said into my ear.

"I'm not purposely trying to change the subject, but is this new colagne?" I inquired.

"Yes. I was thinking about adding it to the line."

"Ooh! Look at you being a business man. It smells nice." I sat up to face him.

"I try, I try." He smirked.

We just stared into each others eyes, inching closer and closer. Finally, our lips touched. It lasted for a while before I pulled apart.

"What?" He searched my face for what he did wrong.

"I can't. I don't want you to be the rebound. T-Thats not right." I stammered.

"Kerry, Its okay."

"I just need time. I need things to heal first."

"I would never cheat-.."

"No! I know that. Its just-I feel weird. I really really want to make sure you're not a rebound. You deserve more than that."

"You always tell me what I deserve. What, I don't deserve you?"

Honestly, I just thought I would be too much for him. I'm not very good with relationships and "catering to my man," which is partial the reason men cheat on me. I never thought I was out of his league or anything.

"You don't deserve a mess." I shook my head.

"After all this time, I really tried to fall out of love with you. I tried to hate the things you do. Its hard. You're so considerate and nice and talented. What exactly do I deserve?" He questioned sincerely.

"A model figured girl who loves you for your drive and killer smile. A girl you can marry and impregnate to make cute babies with."

"You!-.." He cut me off.

"Now that I'm not in the relationship with James, I feel like I can be honest. I do have feelings for you and probably always will, but is it real?" I crossed my legs.

"Well, yeah....."

"How do you know?" I really wasn't trying to be a heartbreaker. I wanted all of this to just fall into place.

"Its real because when our lips touch its something that happens between us. You didn't feel obligated to kiss me, but you wanted to. And I wanted to, too." He came closer to me.

"I just don't want you to-.."

"I get it." He put his finger on my lips. "You need time to completely get over James to make sure its real. I will wait for you. I waited this long, what's more time?"

"No. No. No." I shook my head. "You've wasted too much time on me. I'm not this amazing girl. Find someone."

"Kerry I,-"

"So you get to wait for me, but I can't wait for you?" I tilted my head.

"That doesn't make sense! Why are we waiting? We should be together!" He was getting fustrated.

"See, I'm too complicated." I looked down.

"See, and I love that. Do you not like me?" He pulled my chin to face him.

"No! I just want whats best for you, and I don't think I'm it." I explained.

"Let me figure that out." He pulled me in for the longest, most passionate kiss.