Confessions of an in Love Blogger (Complete)

Chapter 6: Fear is powerful

*2 Months later*

Confession #76: Sometimes when things seem to good to be true...they usually are. Well that is in my case. I try I really do but how much effort can you put in to something before you realize the shit just don't work. I mean it's working for me don't get me wrong and I'm loving my new relationship but how do you know when somethings are still too new? Quote of the day: "Darkness cannot drive out the darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.

It was dark outside as I lit some candles while I cleaned. Just as the floors dried Lorenzoe made his way out of the bedroom wrapped in a towel with a pair of slides. "Hey baby." I said as I made my way to the hall bathroom to dump the water. I was walking back past him as I felt him grab my hand and pull me back to him. The kiss we had in those few short seconds was hungry,passionate yet gentle. He has always been patient with me.

I know he wanted to have sex and I did too but all I asked was that he be patient. It takes time for old wounds to heal. I was more scared than anything. I was starting to have nightmares of the times Leland hurt me again.

I didn't see Zoe being in any way, shape or for like that monster but old habits die hard. You become so used to being one way that once you experience something else its all foriegn and knew to you.

I wanted to be that way with him but it was hard. I knew it was only so long before he was fed up with me turning him down. He knows the parts I tell him of my past but I think it was time I forget the past and start living now. He is my present and I'm thankful to see what it's like to be appreciated. Tonight I was going for it and nothing was stopping me.

As we stood face to face in the bedroom he searched my eyes. My face rested in the palm of his hand. "What are you thinking so hard about?" I saw the concern in his eyes. I liked it. It was warming. I smiled gently. "Just life. Nothing major." I pecked his lips and smiled. He didn't seem convinced and I wasn't ready for this conversation. I knew I wasn't ready to feel all of those painful emotions again. "You sure?" he asked. I smiled and nodded. He kissed my forehead and walked over to the dresser.

I walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I was on the verge of tears. I sat on the toilet and let the tears roll. I sniffed. I heard Zoe knock on the door. "Just a minute." I answered. "You okay babe?" he said through the door. "I got up. Cleared up my face to get rid of the evidence of me crying. I opened the door and kissed his lips gently. "I'm fine." I walk downstairs to get something to drink. I blowed out the candles as I made my way to the kitchen. I heard him come down the stairs to check the doors and windows. I was sitting at the island with my head down and the vodka bottle clasped in my hands. "Drinking without me?" I sat up and ran my hand through my hair and held my hand out for him to take a seat. I took a big gulp. He eyed me closely. He took the bottle nd closed it. "Talk to me because this ain't getting no where." he said holding up the bottle.

I was good and tipsy seeing as how I downed half the bottle before he came down. My mind was still clear just my body felt fuzzy. "Its more than your letting on Lai." I sighed and wiped the few stray tears. "Talk to me please." I sighed again. "I feel like. Like I'm holding our relationship back." He studied my face. "How?" I shook my head and walked away. "Lai'lanni do you keep walking away?"

I kept walking. "Answer me." I snatched away from him as soon as he grabbed my hand. "What is it that your holding us back from?" I looked down. "What? Dammit Lai just fucking tell me!!" "BECAUSE I'M FUCKING AFRAID OKAY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? I'm afraid that everything I went through. All of my past. I'm afraid." He frowned. "Of what exactly?!" "OF GETTING HURT. ABUSED. JUST EVERY FUCKING THING." He sighed.

I went and climbed in bed. I felt the back of the bed dip signaling that he was in the bed. He laid his arm across my waist. "You have no reason to be afraid. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here because I want to be your reason of happiness." I smiled softly. "I know. You just have to be patient with me." He kisses the back of my neck. "Always."

Later that night while Zoe slept I got up and sat on the balcony. Its not that I needed clarity. I'm just trying to find peace with myself. I don't want my past to stop my future with Zoe. I heard my phone ring. I walked inside and answered it. "You have a collect call from Leland Davis at the Saint Jose correctional facility. Do you accept the charges?" I gasped and said yes. "Lai." I couldnt speak. "I know you there Lai say something." I finally found my voice. "What could you possibly want Leland?" He sighed. "You. I want to work on us and fix this. I get out next month on probation." I tear rolled. "There is nothing to work out. We're divorced for a reason. Leave it at that. Nothing more. Nothing less." He sighed. "After all I've done for you!! Thats how you treat me!!" I let out a fustrated sigh. "I'm not doing this. It's done. I'm done. Goodbye Leland."

I turned to see Zoe standing there. "Was that him?" I dropped my head. "Yeah. That was him." He walked off. I knew there was more coming from this. I made my way to the bedroom to see him getting dressed. "What are you doing Zoe?" He continued to ignore me. "Zoe." He stopped. "You keeping shit from me ma. That ain't something I'm feeling." I knew he was talking about the divorce but it was something hard for me to talk about. "Its hard for me to discuss." He looked at me crazy. "What in the hell is hard about telling somebody you fucking divorced Lai'lanni. How the fuck is that hard to discuss?!!" Tears were welling up. I fought for them not to roll. "BECAUSE HE FUCKING BEAT ME! HE BEAT MY ASS EVERY DAY BECAUSE HE FUCKING FELT LIKE IT! YOU THINK THAT'S SOME SHIT I WANNA RELIVE EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. So yes Lorenzoe it is hard to discuss." I walked out slamming the door.