Moon Bound

(40) A Kiss To Remember |Scarlet's POV|

Watching people run in fear, seeing how they directed their blame my way, hearing them quietly say it was all because of me, that I was somehow the reason it happened, they were convinced without the need of a proof.

One thing, one incident changed everything.

Standing frozen on my feet in front of the building, surrounded by them, his fingers still entwined with mine, I remembered why what we were doing was wrong.

My feet were hurting from running. My heart was pounding with misery. It was that misery - mine and his - that made it wrong on the most basic of levels.

I swirled to face him. I jerked my hand out of his grip.

Disgusted with myself for coming this far. Disgusted with him for wanting me to go farther.

What was making him want to be in pain? What caused him to lose all reason and sense of reality?

The building slowly being swallowed in flames was reality. My sudden disability to lock my eyes on his was reality. "It's never going to work," I'd told him, spun around and left.

Torn in between the pack that needed him and the mate who didn't want him and his misery, he'd stayed back to help extinguish the fire.

Everyone had heard me, seen me leave.

Now, a week after the explosion I still had the bitter taste of the words on my tongue. I could still feel the cold from the nights I'd spent alone in his big bed - the minutes, hours, days during which he'd been gone.

Days and moons, my people said. And days and moons he'd been gone. Still here, in the house, just gone from me. Did I really want him back? Did I really miss him so much that it felt like seconds and it felt like years too?

I didn't know but I knew it was the reason I'd been summoned.

"You're just being problematic, Scarlet. It was going so well between the two of you and then you had to ruin it all," Cole said.

'Yeah, because we're a ruin,' I wanted to say but didn't. I just stared at his back as he stood in front of the window and looked out through the glass.

"You're not holding up to your end of the deal," he added just as quietly, probably afraid of being overheard by the wolves inside the house.

There were a lot of them here right now. Too many. They were probably all talking about the attack and the threat they were facing.

"I am here, am I not? How is that not holding up to his terms?" It was a weak excuse.

Cole sighed then turned toward me. "Fair enough," he said. "You're here and you're selfish and stupid enough to ruin this."

I gaped at him.

Maybe it was because of the dream, maybe it was because somehow I'd lost myself and caved under the expectation that I forgot. Or maybe it just stayed in the back of my mind while I battled my own twisted and sick desires.

The fact that I didn't have real friends. The fact that I still followed blindly. The fact that, despite the lies, despite the truth having never been said, it hurt me to think they could be gone. If I was as selfish as he said, then why was it so hard to accept it and be that - selfish? Why was it so hard to just stop lying to myself and do the right thing? Why didn't I just leave them but lingered?

"Did he come to cry on your shoulder, Cole?" I drew out slowly. "Is that why you're doing this now?"

'Or is it just you?' I wanted to ask and I didn't.

"He's been holed up in his office and licking his wounds all week, so no - he didn't come and complain," he snapped then closed his eyes. He took a deep breath then looked at me again. Calmer. Balanced.

"It's the pack," he informed. "There are just whispers right now but what if their patience runs out and they rise against us? Where are we going to find shelter and who's going to protect us from the wildlings? Do you want to die so much that you can't even pretend, Scarlet?"

Shame washed over me. My shoulders quivered with the answer to his question.

Yes.

"It feels like dying, Cole. It's so good, so right and then so wrong it feels like dying," I said, feeling hot liquid on my skin.

He raked his hair in frustration. The expression on his face flickered. Anger, pain, then sadness.

"I know," he said simply and closed the distance between us to stand in front of me. "I know exactly how that feels."

"You and Adam?"

He nodded. His eyes glazed, his pretense slipping as unshed tears filled their midnight beauty. Mine were full of tears too. They stung, feelings burning my insides as I fought the breath I didn't deserve - didn't want.

His hand rose to my cheek, his palm brushing away the tears from it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't try to get closer to me or hug me to himself. He knew that his touch wasn't going to make it right. Nothing could make it right.

"I wish you weren't this hurt. I wish I could make it all disappear..." he trailed off, choking on the words. Shallow, meaningless words that changed exactly nothing. "Sometimes I wish that we found about you sooner, that we saved you before it became hopeless."

But they didn't.

"I'll try, Cole. I'll really try," I found myself making a promise, hurting myself as much as I could. "I owe you that much."

"You owe us nothing, Scarlet. Nothing at all but still... thank you," he said, a second, a minute, an hour later. There was nothing that could measure the time of our silence, just looking at each other with the crushed hopes in our eyes.

'You will be a part of this family, one of us,' he had promised once, they had. 'We will protect you.'

He wouldn't and he couldn't, and I wasn't even sure if it mattered anymore.

The life of the girl who was broken beyond repair. The life of the girl who could no longer find any happiness in her future.

What did it matter if she simply didn't have one?

"I just hope you won't hate us when this is over." There was something in the words, something different in him when he said it. Almost like it was a different man saying them and not the one I knew.

Not the liar.

He leaned closer, lips brushing against mine, begging for an understanding of something he never told me, something I didn't know.

A kiss that meant more than words. A kiss to remember when we got old. If we got old.

Just a peck on the lips to say both 'Forgive me' and 'Goodbye'.

"Let's go," he breathed out, taking a hold of my hand.

"Where?"

He turned back, looking toward the window, toward the woods surrounding the place.

Shadows were breaking over the daylight, the Moon only hours away from spilling out her grace once again.

"Let's run," he said again. "We'll figure out something tomorrow but let's forget now. Just for tonight."

I smiled at the wistfulness in his voice. "Sounds like a plan."