Find Your Way

Chapter Eleven

Jade's POV

Relax, Jade. Kaya mo 'to. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa utak ko habang hinihintay si David. Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng nerbyos at kaba dahil sa gagawin ko.

After Paul and I talk, I called David right away para masabi ko na yung totoo sa kanya. I invited him to have lunch with me here in our favorite restaurant at Eastwood which he easily agreed on.

Sinadya kong maagang dumating dito sa restaurant dahil hindi na din naman ako mapakali sa bahay. All I wanted was to talk to David right away kahit alam kong hindi magiging madali.

I don't really want to hurt David but this is for our own good. Alam kong hindi ko masusuklian ang pagmamahal na binibigay niya sa akin. It sounds cliché but I don't deserve a great man like him. Alam kong may higit pang makapagpapasaya sa kanya at alam ko rin na hindi ako yun. He deserves someone way better than I am and I will be the happiest person kapag nakilala na niya iyon.

I loved him, that's for sure. Kung ako nga lang ang papipiliin, I want to marry a guy just like him. Because why not? He's a great man, came from a well off family and I know he'll be a good father. But if I do marry him, that would be for practicality, for convenience. And I don't want that just simply because practicality isn't part of my vocabulary.

I know in this generation, marriage is somewhat equal to practicality. May mga babae na nagpapakasal na lang dahil sa pera. Dahil alam nilang kaya silang buhayin ng magiging asawa nila. O di kaya naman, pumapayag silang magpakasal sa hindi nila mahal dahil yun ang kagustuhan ng mga magulang nila. Dahil sa tradition na dapat hindi masira dahil sa reputasyon ng pangalan ng pamilya.

Just like David and I - tied in a fucking arranged marriage - which I'm planning to end bago pa man mangyari.

I was engrossed practicing my speech on my mind when I felt a peck on my right cheek. Hindi ko namalayan na nasa tabi ko na pala si David.

"Hi babe! Sorry pinaghintay ata kita. Kanina ka pa dito?" David asked after he settled himself on the seat across from me.

"Uhm, n-no. Okay lang naman and sinadya ko talagang maaga ako dito." I'm trying my best to act and play cool pero hindi ko pa din maiwasang kabahan. Yung kaninang pinractice kong break up speech, naglaho na lang na parang bula.

Shit Jade! Get your act together and don't you dare chicken out now!

"Seriously? Ganoon mo ba ko ka-miss?" David said teasingly but I just rolled my eyes on him.

For the past three months na binigyan ko ng pagkakataon ang sarili kong ibalik ang pagmamahal ko kay David, as much as possible, pinilit kong maging sweet sa kanya sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Pinilit kong ibigay yung care ng isang girlfriend because I wanted this to work. I wanted us to work, again. Pero wala talaga eh.

Wala akong maibigay sa kanya sa paraang hindi ko pinipilit.

I don't know kung nakasama pa ba yun dahil nabigyan ko siya ng pag-asa na magkakabalikan kami o kung nakabuti ba kahit papano.

Madaming "what ifs" ngayon sa isip ko but one thing's for sure, I can't love him the way I did before.

"Ang tahimik mo ata masyado. Is there something wrong, babe?" He said and he held my right hand with his left. He looked at me with so much admiration and care kaya naman mas lalo akong nahihirapan sa sitwasyon ko. But this has to stop. I'm willing to be the heartless bitch again if it meant freedom for us.