The Rainbow Effect

I'll Be Gone By Then

After the very uncomfortable and revolting conversation with my father, I drove home. I pulled into my driveway, a bit shaken up, and I took a few moments to readjust myself before I walked inside.

"Hey babe." Lila said, kissing my cheek and hugging me. "How was your coffee?" She asked.

"It was fine." I said. She looked at me, concerned.

"Did something happen?" She questioned.

"No, just that my father showed up and wanted to talk to me." I stated, blankly.

"Really? What did he say?" She asked.

"He wanted to tell me that I was a mistake, and that he was glad that he wasn't there for me as I grew up. He said my mother was a one night stand and that he was happy to hear about her death. He had found me by accident, and continued a search on me. Curiosity overtook him, I suppose. He found me here, and he decided to meet me, to tell me he was ashamed of me, and my choices." I explained.

"That's a horrible thing to tell his daughter." Lila exclaimed.

"It's okay. I mean, I always knew my father was a piece of shit, but there's no reason I should let that affect me now. I grew up without him, and honestly I have always been better off without him, and I intend on living on without him." I explained.

"Does he know about your cancer?" She asked, her voice shaky.

"I don't believe so, I mean, he didn't mention it." I said. "Oh yea, that reminds me, tomorrow we have a doctors appointment, for a check up and such." I said.

"Okay, are you doing okay?" Lila asked.

"More than ever" I said. I kissed her lips passionately, and I felt myself get lost into the kiss again. I pulled away, and started upstairs.

"Where are you going?" Lila asked.

"To take a shower and go to bed. It's been a long day." I said. "Are you coming to bed?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'll be up in a few." Lila said, as she rinsed out her tea cup.

"Okay. Don't take too long." I said, wandering upstairs. I slowly undressed myself, as I started to really feel the gravity of the situation. I do realize I have cancer, along with an absent father, and a fiancé that all I want for her is to be happy.

I'm afraid of the doctors appointment tomorrow. I've been feeling sicker each day, and I know it's only stage one, but I can feel the changes in my body. I'm getting more tired, and I'm not as happy as I used to be. I eat less, and I'm always nervous.

I have a feeling tomorrow when I go in, it's going to be worse than what Lila thought. I feel like I won't be able to fight it. I feel like it will take me from this Earth before I want to go. I let these thoughts seep in and I continue to wash my body. Once I'm done, I emerge from the steam filled bathroom, and I slowly shuffle over to my dresser. I pull out a tank top and a pair of grey joggers.

I slowly put them on, and I wrap my hair up in a wet, messy bun. I climb into bed next to Lila. I can tell she's almost asleep, so I make as little movement as I can. But she rolls over and wraps her arms around me. "I love you Jasmine." She whispers. "I can't wait to grow old together." She adds, before she dozes off.

And that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I won't be able to grow old with her. I'll be dead by then.