hømetøwn

• : / thirty six / : •

"How beautifully cliche."

He bumped his hip against mine. "Shush. I think it's amazing."

"No, it's definitely amazing," I said, leaning over the railing. "But still -- totally cliche."

The city lights blinked and glimmered around me. Josh and I were standing at the top of a tall building, the night sweeping against our skin. I grasped the cold railing tight. The stars weren't visible even from up here; the city's pollution and white light blocked it all out. But the city lights felt just as beautiful as the stars. The street-lamps were white pinpricks far below. Smoke unfurled from the building tops. 

Looking down, I felt my insides unravel in a delicious rush of fear. "Josh, do you like heights?"

"No, not at all." He leaned over the railing, hair falling over his eyes. "When I was a kid, I was terrified of them. I wouldn't ride rollercoasters or climb trees or any of that stuff."

I looked over at him. "Then why did you ever come up here?"

"It's...kind of complicated," he said. "And stupid."

"Complicated, maybe. But there's no way I'll think it's stupid. You don't have to tell me. But I won't think it's stupid."

He was quiet for a moment. Shadows darted across his face. He sighed, his jagged breath forming mist in the cold air. 

"I used to be scared of a lot of stuff, Lake. After...the fire thing, with my family...after that happened, I was -- I was always scared of fire, and of heights, and of the past, and just -- everything. But I made my fear of heights into everything. I made it into a symbol for all my fears. And so I was determined to conquer it." He glanced over at me. "I would climb onto people's roofs and up trees and anywhere I could get, and I would just stand there, looking down."

He leaned further over the railing, gazing straight down into the flickering darkness. 

"Just like this," he said softly. 

I didn't say anything. I just looked at him, entranced. The city lights fell across him and turned him into a silhouette. His dark outline reminded me of a constellation. He had once been a distant vision. But now I felt his light grow stronger as he spoke. He was a constellation, sharpening at the edges -- becoming more clear, easier for me to see now. Easier for me to understand. I studied his outline and let his words fall over me, and I thought about how the past changes you. How the past unravels and recreates you. 

I had always tried to believe that the past doesn't define you. I guess it was the only way I could live with myself. But even if the past doesn't define you, it still creates you. It will still always be a part of you. 

"Did you conquer it?" I asked. "The fear of heights?"

He leaned back and glanced at me. Our eyes locked in the darkness. "No."

An indescribable feeling was growing in my chest. Something cold and electric and hopeful. His hand nudged against mine on the railing. My fingers were numb from the cold, but when his skin touched mine it exploded with feeling. I swallowed. I couldn't look away from him. His face was cast in darkness but I felt his gaze like a magnetic pull. His hand slid over mine. 

I pulled away, taking a step backwards. "Josh --"

"He doesn't deserve you."

His words came out of nowhere, smacking against me with a harsh sting. 

"Wh-What?" I said.

"He doesn't deserve you, Lake." Raw intensity trembled in his voice. "You deserve someone who would treat you right. Not someone who would try to control who you talk with. Not someone who would ditch you to go on tour. Not someone who would leave you alone in the cold, alone on a city street, on a night when you needed him."

The tenth day. I had almost forgotten. I blinked fast. 

"It doesn't matter," I said. "It's not a matter of deserving. I'm not a prize to be won."

"I know," said Josh, voice dropping. "I know. But...you just...you deserve better. You really do. I'm not trying to come onto you. I'm not trying to make you break up with him and get with me or anything like that. I just...I just really think you'd be happier with someone else, Lake."

"Even if I did want to leave him -- which I don't -- I have nowhere to go," I said. "You don't understand. This entire situation is so much more intense and complicated than you think it is. I'm safe here...I think. And I can't go home. Not now, not ever."

"You can always go ho--"

"No! You don't understand. I can't. I'm in danger, Josh, and going home will just make everything so much more --"

"You're in danger?" Josh stood totally frozen. A look of pure rage crashed across his expression. When he spoke, the words ripped the air wide open. "Lake, is he hurting you?"

"No! No! Not Brendon!" It was impossible to breathe. The breath tore in my throat and ached in my chest. "No. It's complicated, Josh. There are people back home...who are trying to do terrible things. They're trying to make me pay for something I did when I was young...a mistake I made a long time ago, and I can't go back, I can't let it catch up to me, I can't, I just -- it's all going to come crashing down, Josh, and today's the day it starts and Brendon's not here and --" 

Before I could finish his arms were around me, crushing me against his chest. 

"We'll get you home," he said. "Come on. We've got to go back to the apartment. If there are people after you, we shouldn't be outside."

He led me down the fire escape and out of the building. We set off down the dark sidewalk. As we walked, he wound his arm protectively around my waist, and this time, I didn't stop him.

"Lake, I know what it's like to spend your whole life running."

Our footsteps clattered against the sidewalk. My heart banged hot and fast.

"Running from the past, running from my fears..."

A few more blocks and we'd be back to the apartment. My neck tingled and I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me.

"And...I realized that someday, all the moments you run away from will catch up to you."

A thick, deadly scent assaulted me. I froze. 

"Just a little farther," said Josh. Then he stumbled to a halt. His breath hitched. Because he smelled it too. And now he saw it, too.

The smoke. 

Snaking out from under Brendon's apartment door.

Terror flamed across my body, and I fell to my knees.

The apartment was on fire.

---------------------------------------------------

*high pitched screaming*

thanks for reading lovelies. you are all the absolute best and I really appreciate the support I have on this story. I love connecting w/readers so if you ever wanna chat hmu on my profile or kik me (kik username is kelseyattthedisco) 

my favorite comment from the last chapter was by urieface, "Uhh, HE BETTER NOT DROP HER LIKE THAT. She needs him like Ryan needs Doritos rn" <3

official ship names:

  Brendon x Lake: Blake

 Josh x Lake: Lash

Tyler x Ryan: Ryler

You are all amazing and I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Hope you liked this update.

i love you

xxkelsey