hømetøwn

• : / forty one / : •

I didn't have much to bring.

Maybe it should have been embarrassing. Carrying a single box of possessions to the car -- a ripped cardboard box containing my dead phone, a collection of broken match sticks, and a bra. I was wearing the same clothes I came here in. The night before, I had approached Brendon with a pile of his clothes, and he had taken them back.

I set the cardboard box in the back seat. Brendon's car smelled like him. I wanted to hate it. I slammed the car door and looked across the street at the apartment. My whole body hurt.

Slowly, I meandered across the street and up the steps to the apartment door. Would the smell of the smoke ever go away? And could I just walk in the apartment anymore? It wasn't my home. For a moment I lingered there, staring into the door's red wood. Then I knocked, twice, softly.

It swung open at once. Brendon seemed taller than usual. His hair swung in spastic sleepless directions, and his eyes were heavy. I wondered if he had lost sleep because of me. I wondered if he had imagined the drive back as many times as I had. I wanted to reach out and hug him. It was so easy to imagine. His arms would wind around my ribcage and I would nestle my chin into that perfect space on his shoulder. But even as I stood in front of him, there was so much distance between us. We hadn't touched since he told me I was going home. As I looked at him, I jolted myself awake. I shook the messy half-dreams away. 

There were so many things I wanted to say. There were so many things I could have said.

I'm sorry.

Please, don't make me go.

Thank you. Thank you so much for keeping me safe here for as long as you did.

I love you.

I'm going to miss you.

Do you really want me to go?

I swear I didn't burn this place. I swear. Please, just believe me.

It doesn't have to be over yet. Not now. Not like this.

I didn't say any of those things. Instead I looked up into his soft brown eyes, steeled myself, and said, "I'm ready to go."

Brendon's eyes flicked over me, towards the car. He nodded. 

"Do you...uh -- want to...say goodbye?" he said. He cleared his throat. "You know, to the others."

"The others?"

"Yeah, you know, the other people who have been living with you. Tyler and Ryan."

"Oh." I looked down. Thinking of Ryan made my sick feeling worse. I shook my head. "No. I think it's better if I don't."

He looked at me for a long, aching instant, then at his feet. "All right," he said. "Sounds good. Let's...let's go, then."

Brendon stepped forward and started to close the door, but a hand shot through at the last minute. A tattoo shimmered on the wrist. The hand pulled back the door, and then Tyler was standing there. We looked at each other for a long instant. 

"Oh hey, Tyler," said Brendon. "You're probably looking for the milk. Sorry, I forgot to tell you, but we ran out of milk last night. Ryan put the new gallon on the counter next to the --"

Tyler pushed Brendon aside, stepped forward, and pulled me into a hug. 

Tyler's sudden contact made me jump. Brendon staggered a step away from us. I was startled but it was easy to slip into. His scent of lemon soap and warm arms. It made me remember nights of playing cards and eating Doritos. And it made me remember Tyler was an outcast too. I pulled myself tighter against him and squeezed my eyes shut. He didn't even know how much I needed the closeness. How much I needed someone, anyone, to make me feel like I was still human. 

We stayed like that for a long time, me battling tears and him singing softly into my hair. Then Tyler pulled away. He surveyed me for a long moment, deeply, searchingly. He leaned into me, his breath soft in my ear. 

"Stay alive," he whispered.

Then he was gone, disappearing back into the apartment and leaving me cold all over. 

I didn't know what to make of it.

Brendon's eyes were narrowed, a dark heat clouding his expression. I wished he would look away from me. None of this was getting any easier.

"Come on," I said. "We...we should go."

He nodded. 

"Stop looking at me like that," I said.

He clenched his teeth. I could see the edge of his jaw ticking. He took a moment. He looked up to the sky, breathing deep between his teeth. I watched his eyelids flicker, his hands form fists and his chest tighten. Then he looked back at me. His expression was totally neutral.

Brendon flashed a crooked smile.

"Looking at you like what?" he said. 

Then he turned and started across the street. 

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....hi

please don't throw things at me. i deserve it but also it's getting so hard to bring myself to write this story im doing my best i promise <3 

hope you enjoyed this very, very overdue chapter. my favorite comment from the last chapter was marswizzle's, "HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE TO GET THIS REFERENCE IM CRYING DKSKQKA" because lol

remember to vote & comment if you want more,  i read every comment and they make me want to keep going y'know what im saying

i hope you're doing well 

i love you

xxkelsey