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• : / thirty nine / : •

The days pulled apart.

Seconds stretched for miles, then smashed together and disappeared.

I couldn't remember what the date was. Or when I had last seen Connor, or Angie, or my mother.

Or my father.

All I knew was the record shop. All I knew was Brendon, and the other boys who lived in our flat. I forced myself to think of nothing else. To expand my mind would be to invite pain. So all I knew was what stood in front of me. All I knew was a collection of text messages from a stranger and a burnt out match box.

It was still too much.

The day Josh left, I carried the weight of everything I didn't want to think about.

"You don't have to leave," I whispered.

We stood in the cooling autumn air, alone. No one else was awake yet.

"I can't stay here with you."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know how to account for his pain -- for the pain I had inflicted on him. Because somewhere along this timeless distance, Josh had confessed his feelings for me...and I had said no.

"I don't want to lose you," I said.

He smiled a little, but it was a sad, pained smile that made me ache.

"I don't want to lose you either, Lake. But this...it's not fair to Brendon," said Josh. "And it's not fair to you or me. Because as long as I have these feelings, and you're with Brendon --"

"Since when do you care about being fair to Brendon?"

"Since when do you not?"

I didn't know what to say to that either.

"You're the only one who understands," I said.

"Who understands what?"

"Fire."

His lips tugged downwards. "Lake --"

"Losing everything. Losing everyone, to fire. You're the only one who knows what that's like."

"I know."

"So please. Don't leave."

"Lake, the longer I stay around you, the more that I -- I want to be with you. I see you doing these stupid little things and it just makes me so...so...like the way you eat graham crackers. How you dip them into the milk and swirl them around and laugh when it breaks off. Or when you fall asleep on the couch, curled up like a cat. I just -- I like you, Lake. I like you so much. And the more I'm around you, the worse it gets. I can't handle that. Not right now." Something in his face ignited. "So unless you want to try this, unless you want to give us a try --"

"You know I can't do that."

"You could. You just don't want to."

"Yeah."

His eyes went dark again. "Yeah. So I have to go."

"Josh --"

"What?"

I opened my mouth, ready to spill a thousand words, ready to drench him in poetic pleadings, ready to say anything to make him stay. But nothing came. I sucked in a breath of air. My shoulders sagged.

"Where...where are you going to go?"

He ran a hand through his messy hair, eyes wandering. "There's this little town a few hours out. I know a friend. I think I'll stay with her until I figure some stuff out."

"Oh," I said.

"Yeah."

He pulled his bag more securely over his shoulder. A taxi rounded the corner and he lifted his arm, waving it over. Without thinking, I lunged forward, snagging him by the arm.

"Who's the friend?"

"You don't know her."

The taxi rolled to a stop in front of us. I held tight to his arm, staring at him, blindly trying to find a way to continue the conversation, killing time to keep him from leaving.

"Can I call you?"

"Only if you really need me," said Josh. He glanced at the taxi, then back to me. "Look, when I'm ready, I'll call you. Okay?"

He started to pull away. I held on tighter.

"Josh -- I -- what about Tyler?"

"He's visiting every few days. And he doesn't need me. He's fine here and he's going to be okay. He's got Ryan."

"And he's got that girlfriend."

We both laughed a little at that, our eyes soft and catching light.

"I don't know how they're still together," I said.

"Yeah. Kelsey is kind of terrible. She didn't update this story in over a month."

"On a cliffhanger, too. What a bitch."

We laughed a little more. I didn't want to let go of his arm. If I let him go, I might never get him back.

"So we're good, right?" I said.

"Other than you breaking my heart and making me move out of the apartment?"

My stomach plunged, but he smiled again.

"I'm kidding. Of course we're good."

He paused, gazing at me. Then he reached forward and pushed a strand of hair out of my eyes. My heart hammered. He lingered there, his face close to mine. His gentle ocean smell swirled against my lips. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. My gaze was locked onto those deep velvet eyes.

"Take care, Lake," he whispered.

Emotion pulled at my insides. I felt tears pressing at the back of my eyes.

"I will."

He gently unwound my fingers from his arm. He hoisted the bag higher onto his shoulder again. Then he stepped towards the cab and opened the door.

"Wait!" I stumbled forward, launching one more desperate attempt to keep him talking. "What town are you going to?"

He threw his bag into the cab then sat down, glancing up at me. "Anglet."

Then the door slammed, and everything collapsed inside of me.

----------------------------------------------------

hey you guys,

hope you enjoyed this chapter. make sure and leave a vote/comment if you enjoyed it, because that's what inspires me most to keep writing. i hope you're all doing well!

my favorite comment from the last chapter was from spadesoface : "you know fxck you Kelsey god dammit" because that pretty much sums up the chapter lmao

keep your eye out on updates on my other fanfic on this site, "exist", because it's a josh dun fic and i'm about to start sharing it with you all :)

i love you

xxkelsey