hømetøwn

• : / thirty seven / : •

I wrote the letter at midnight, crouched on the sidewalk.

Dear Brendon.

Cold air bit against my face. Sirens rang through the silence. Nothing mattered anymore. The apartment was up in flames. Firemen dashed across the sidewalk and yelled to one another. Brendon and the others were nowhere to be found. Still at the bar, I guess. Playing their music. Dancing. Laughing. They had no idea.

Dear Brendon,

I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't me.

My hair hung in charred clumps at my ears. I remembered the past hour in flashing fragments. I remembered diving towards the door. Screaming. I remembered Josh's arms around me, pulling me away from the fire. How I clawed towards the apartment, desperate to do something, desperate to save anything important.

I remembered the ringing silence. The uncontrollable sobbing.

I remembered finding Connor's gift.

Dear Brendon,

I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't me.

He'll try to make you think it was. And maybe me doing this will make you believe him.

But please. Please know I never wanted this to happen. And I never wanted to hurt you.

I had found Connor's gift outside the front door. It was like it was waiting for me.

Another matchbox. Filled completely with burnt out matches.

The memory made my breath catch. A shudder raked up my spine. Josh had long since thrown the matchbox into the flames, but still it haunted me.

Now I sat on the edge of the sidewalk, clenching a pen and a piece of paper. Josh had picked them up from someplace down the road.

Dear Brendon,

I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't me.

He'll try to make you think it was. And maybe me doing this will make you believe him. But please. Please know I never wanted this to happen. And I never wanted to hurt you.

I have to keep you safe. That's the most important thing. You've done so much to help me, and I've brought nothing but trouble and danger into your life.

It's time for me to go.

My eyes burned. If Brendon had been in the apartment, he could have been killed. Just the thought sent a wave of guilt through me. They had so much to live for. They had so much they hadn't done yet, so many things they wanted to accomplish. They had a fucking tour coming up. I was holding them back. Their lives were in danger, and it was because of me. Brendon was better off without me.

Dear Brendon,

I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't me.

He'll try to make you think it was. And maybe me doing this will make you believe him. But please. Please know I never wanted this to happen. And I never wanted to hurt you.

I have to keep you safe. That's the most important thing. You've done so much to help me, and I've brought nothing but trouble and danger into your life.

It's time for me to go.

Please don't try to find me. Please don't try to contact me. It's better like this. I'm cursed. Everywhere I go, fire follows. I can't outrun this forever.

Thank you for all the love and kindness you've brought into my life.

I'm sorry.

The note trembled in my fingertips. I sensed Josh's presence beside me. For just an instant, I looked up and met his gaze. Tears prickled in my eyes. It was a long, soft moment before he spoke.

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

I folded the paper in half. "This was my fault, Josh."

He didn't say anything to that. He just looked at me.

"I can't risk someone getting hurt," I said.

"Lake, you don't have to do this."

"I want you to be safe. I want Brendon to be safe. I can't keep carrying around these secrets and these dangers, and make you guys pay the price." I stood up and handed him the paper. "Will you give this to Brendon?"

He stood frozen, staring at me. "I don't understand."

"You aren't supposed to."

"Why the hell not? You can't just come into my life then leave like this with no explanation, it's so --"

"You want an explanation? I'll give you a fucking explanation!" My voice exploded through the dark city. "That fire, where I lost my dad and my little brother? It was my fucking fault, Josh! It was me! I was playing with a match box! And Connor knows. My mother knows. My whole fucking hometown knows. And I can't outrun it. I can't escape the mistakes I've made, I can't get away from it as hard as I try. And it's time that I --"

"You did that?" Josh's face was sheet white. "You -- you were playing with --?"

A thousand desperate excuses crashed through my mind. I was young -- I didn't know what I was doing -- I never meant for it to get out of hand -- I -- I --

"Yes," I whispered.

He staggered a step backwards.

"Give the note to Brendon. Please." My voice cracked. I turned and started down the sidewalk.

"Wait!" he yelled after me. "Where are you going?"

I didn't look back. My footsteps clattered against the pavement. "I'm going back to my hometown."

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xxkelsey