Say My Name

Chapter Eleven

I knew this day would come. 

It comes with every depressed person that knows how to hide their depression well. They can only do it for so long.

I knew the day would come when Zachary would finally break down, showing me his inner thoughts and telling me how much he hated himself. I knew he would break down eventually, all of us depressed people do, but I never knew that those words would come out of his mouth. 

I want to kill myself. 

Those five words horrified me, the thought of it coming out of the mouth from the only person I loved made me feel absolutely miserable.

"I am not going to allow you to die on me. Not today. Not ever!" I yelled, squeezing his hard.

"I don't think I can do it anymore Addy. It's just too hard." He responded, kissing my cheek softly. Everything was just going to his ears and straight out. He was hearing me, but not listening. I just wanted to scream "HELLO" as it echos from the wall hoping it will reach him. I just wanted to reach his heart & mind. I just wanted to scream "ARE YOU THERE? ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO STAY FOR ME." But my echos move quickly until they disappear. Are they even reaching Zach, does he even care.?

"How about I show you some of the good things in life. Why not try to find reasons to live before thinking about taking away something you could never get back?" I asked, his eyes moving up to me, forcing a smile.

"Well, I've always wanted a tattoo." He tried to joke, his voice pained and forced. I knew he was trying to make an effort to show me he would stay for us, but I knew he really was not okay.

In that moment, I also knew I lost him.

"Then Zachary, lets go get a tattoo."

We reached the tattoo parlor 30 minutes later, walking into a room right away. The tattoo artist gave Zachary and I a sheet of paper, telling us to sketch out what we think we want, and he will then define it and start. Of course we needed to sign a few thousand waivers before as well. Zachary quickly got to work, scribbling faint lines on the paper. I drew slowly, trying to figure out what to draw before it hit me. I quickly scribbled my idea, finishing just before my boyfriend dropped his pencil on the desk.

"Check this out." He said, showing me the paper. The paper was filled with a bunch of thick lines going different ways. It was honestly kind of plain, but I was not going to complain. Its the typical sheet line tattoo. 

"What's yours?" He added, his eyes fixated on his scarred arms.

I showed him the picture of a couple in wedding outfits, holding hands. The boy was holding an alcoholic drink in one hand, and the girl was holding a blade in the other. Zachary's eyes crinkled a bit, clearly not having a clue what the picture meant.

"Its you and me on our wedding day. We are both holding onto something that is so destructive. You drink too much, I self harm. Even though it hurts, and gives you scars you can never hide, we have each other, and we always feel loved." I said, Zachary pulling me into a tight hug and kissing me on the neck.

"It's perfect. You're perfect." He whispered, before sitting in the chair, the man starting to permanently draw on his skin.

He cringed a bit, apparently not used to that type of pain. As he got used to it he let the man permanently draw on his arms. When the man was finished, my boyfriend smiled, happy with the results. I glanced at his arms, pleased with the results as well. I was soon brought to confusion when I saw a piece of the tattoo on his wrist that he did not show me in the drawing. It said ♡ Cheese, and under it said 2k16. It was kind of random for a tattoo, and I wanted to know the motivation.