Say My Name

Chapter Ten

"I want to kill myself."

"No... Zach... Don't say that. Be strong. Please be strong." I gripped his limp body, holding him close to me as he stood in front of Nico's house. It was ambulances everywhere, covering the house, a dead corpse being taken in a body bag. When the dead boy came in Zach's sight, he started to tense, his eyes tearing up more and more. Nico's parents were right there, balling as well once the body came. I could not imagine the amount of pain any of them were going through right now, and the more I see him hurt, the more it hurts me. Yeah, I was friends with Nico, but we were not close enough for me to feel the way I would of felt if Stephanie was to die.

"What happened?" I asked softly, his eyes refusing to meet mine. He would not answer, and he would not look at me. Instead of pressing on, I decided to give him a hug, in which he did not return. I did not know what to do. I could not comfort him, and I could not make everything better. I felt useless.

"Audrey." Zach's voice said softly, cracking a bit to hold his tears in.

"Yeah?"

His eyes turned up to meet mine, bloodshot and saddened before he began to speak.

"I love you. I really do. But. Please leave." He said, finally breaking down and crying, turning the other way so he could meet up with Nico's parents. Although it hurt that he did not want me there, I did as I was told, and I left.

-

I did not know what to do.

I had no best friend.

A potential best friend now dead.

A boyfriend that won't answer me.

It's been about 2 weeks now, and Zachary has not picked up the phone, responded to a single text, or been to school. I know I should just leave him alone, because that's how he grieves, but in a situation like this, where your best friend is dead, you need someone more than ever. I felt so useless, I can never seem to help him. He's just so hard to follow, and I miss him.

Not only has it been hard without Zachary, it's been hard going to school. Zach just disappeared from school. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with people who all of a sudden know me, asking how I'm holding up with everything. It's always the same old question, same old response; 

I'm okay.

I'm okay.....

I'm not okay.

I know its not my place to be sad right now when there is a bunch of people feeling that raw emotion for me, and on top of that I guess i'm just too self centered to be able to care about others more than myself. This is the moment I knew I needed to calm down, because the last time I thought like this, I ended up in the hospital. I should get my mind off of it... I should write.

Dear Diary,

Yes, I got tired of calling you journal so I just switched it to journal. Anyway, back to my life.  It has been really well I guess, or at least that is what I wish I could believe. I guess for the past few months my depression has been subdued and just a back thought. Only because of my boyfriend though. My boyfriend Zachary honestly has issues. He's an alcoholic and drug user. I guess you can say he does it to numb his pain, but I think he's doing it to destroy himself terribly. It really worries me, the fact that he can pretend to be so okay, but deep down I know he just wants to pull that fucking trigger and make a piece of art with his blood.  I know he does not want to be in this world, because he does not love himself. 

The only thing that bothers me is....

If he cannot even love himself.....

How would he possibly be able to love me?

I know I should not think like that, because it's not true, he loves me. But after 2 weeks of him refusing to contact me, it  just feels like we've broken up. It feels like being heartbroken. The thing I love is that heartbreak does not happen only once. Bits of you just continue to shatter long after it, because the memories you created were etched into your skin. You can't remember what certain things looked like before you met him. Whether its just a picture, or some type of crayon, feelings will always resurface, and for just a second you will remember how it felt with him. With him I never felt worthless. Moments where I thought everything would be okay. Moments where I thought;

Maybe being alive was better than being 6 feet underground.

I don't want to feel heartbroken.

I don't want to feel like I lost my boyfriend.

I don't want to feel alone.

I want him.

I need him.

Your's truly....

Audrey.

I closed my now newly named diary, throwing it in my closet before a doorbell ring caught me off guard. Not having a single clue who it was, I slowly walked to the door, opening it with a feeling of despondency. To my surprise, Zachary was on the other side of the door, his face reddened and swollen, the same vacant stare he has weeks ago still there. For a moment he did not speak, only staring at the ground before I sighed, his eyes raising up to look me straight in the eyes.

"I missed you." He said, his voice calm, no signals of sadness ingrained in it. I did not speak, only ran up to hug him, this time the hug being returned. He grabbed me tightly, giving me a long kiss before returning to the hug, quiet sniffs. 

"I'm sorry Audrey. I'm so so sorry. I need you." He cried out, causing me to kiss his forehead, holding him. I did not know a way to help him, so I did what anyone would do. I held him.

"It's going to be okay Zachary.... It's going to be okay."

"Audrey it's not okay.... I cannot do this anymore." He said, his voice all of a sudden getting sadder and sadder.

"Do what?" I asked, knowing it wasn't going to be an answer I wanted to hear.

"I can't live in this world anymore."