Say My Name

Chapter Twelve

From what I learned.

Relationships begin with how much love you think you can take, and end with how much shit you can put up with.

I could feel my relationship with Zachary was going to end soon. I could feel the slow breaking apart stage, as you know something is not right and it never will be again. That same person you invested all of your time and effort in, was soon going to just be another person in your life, that you will barely look at.

I lost my best friend a few months ago.

Now i'm going to lose my boyfriend.

That thought made my emotions too much to deal with, causing me to quickly pick up my phone and call Zachary. It took about five rings, before his monotone, careless sounding voice spoke a hello to me. I held back the will to cry, beginning to speak.

"Did you ever love me?" I asked him over the phone, the other line going silent. He did not respond, causing me to quickly tear up. His inability to respond made me think the worse. My sadness soon then turned into anger.

"Did you even care about me? Did you even want to date me?" My voice rose, as he finally spoke.

"Audrey please." Zach responded, his voice soft and pained.

"You never loved me, You never cared about me. I was just your distraction from all the sadness you felt wasn't I?!" I screamed, his sharp voice cutting through my screams.

"I never loved you? If I did not love you, If I didn't care, then why the fuck would I ever try making you think I did? Why would I be the first one to visit you at the hospital? Why did I get a tattoo to remind me of you? Why did I hide my own sadness and depression just to make you happy? Why would I waste my time trying to make you feel worth it?! Don't say that shit. Don't question my feelings towards you because I wouldn't of ever tried to associate with you if I didn't feel a certain way about you. Grow the fuck up Audrey, it's not always about you!" He yelled, before hanging up the phone.

I threw my phone against the wall, the loud crack making it easy to know it's broken. Tears broke out and I finally gave a loud cry before pulling out my sharpest blade, letting the blade sink into my skin and consume my sadness.

-

It took a few hours to realize everything that happened. I wouldn't say I hated Zachary after what he said. I'd say I hated myself. He was right. He did care about me, he did love me. After all he's been through, and losing his best friend, plus putting up with my negativity was something he did not deserve. I felt bad for making everything worse from him. I wanted to apologize. After minutes of sniffing and sitting in my bed, I got up to get my cracked phone, checking the messages. I was greeted to a text first, but quickly horrified as I began to read.

Addy

There is a lot you don't know about me. I used to be best friends with Steph, that part you know. My mother gave me to my father right when I was born. She made a mistake one night, got knocked up, and ended up having me, only to send me away to my father, completely taking the mother figure out of my life. My father was a good dad, although most of the time he liked to get drunk and come home completely unaware of everything. No, he did not abuse me, but his love and addiction to alcohol was what caused him to end up dead one morning. From there I was alone. I got emancipated a few months later, and since you know, I did not have parents to stop me that trial was very easy. Since I had no one but Nico who is now dead too, to look forward to, I tried to spend most of my time trying to make you happy.

Seeing that you even for a second felt that I did not love you hurt me more than anything. I tried so hard to show you how much you mean to me and matter. I DO care about you, and I DO love you, but Audrey, I cannot stay in this world anymore. My thoughts have damaged me more than any razor could. Before I met you, I was planning on killing myself right after therapy. That therapy session was going to be my last Audrey. But I met you, and I thought that maybe this girl will love me, and maybe this girl would give me a reason to live. You did give me a reason to live. You are not the reason i'm choosing to do what i'm about to. They always say that the good outweighs the bad, but honestly babe, the bad is outweighing the good by far. When I die Audrey, you may just find me there not breathing. Or maybe you will receive a phone call. Maybe the police will knock on your door, or the doctor will give you the typical "I am sorry for your loss" words. Please just remember, that me killing myself is not because of you, it's not because of anyone. It's because of me. My inability to be able to find the good side of things. My willingness to end my worthless life so quickly. Audrey i'm sorry i'm not going to be able to marry you, although every night I just dreamed of the day where I could bend down on one knee, getting butterflies as I await your response. I'm sorry for everything, and i'm sorry for lying to you. I thought that maybe you would be able to help me save myself, and you did, but because of who I am, the asshole boyfriend that can't open up.... I'd rather kill myself than to ever put you in any more pain than needed. I love you so much... I hope that you are reading this messages hours later because you are mad at me. By then, I should be dead.  Don't you ever fucking forget how much I loved you. Please stay safe. Please don't kill yourself. Goodbye Addy.

Love,

Zachary, your future husband from heaven.