Say My Name

Chapter Two

I could not help but to think of Zachary the rest of the day. Like do you guys understand how amazing this is.. A boy wanted MY number. That usually never happens. After I got out of therapy earlier, my mom felt obligated to ask me how it went. Of course, being who I am, I explained what happened, leaving lots of details out and adding a lot of sarcasm. I didn't want to tell her about Zachary yet. The good thing is she did not bother to press on with what I was doing and why I was hanging out with a boy. All she did was tell me to make sure I wrote I wrote in my journal, in which I rolled my eyes but ushered it off until now. Finally at 10:00 p.m I decided to write in my journal. I pulled it out from under my bed and began to write.

Dear Journal,

Today I met a boy. One that I feel actually wants to get to know me. He has dark, intense eyes, and his lips make me believe he won't tell lies. He has a way with words, and I bet he has a comforting touch.He offered me friendship today. I'm just hoping that I will be able to see this boy again. It also kinda makes me mad though. I don't even know him, yet I feel so attracted to him. What if his personality is absolute shit?! Why do I even like boys, I should be practicing to like myself. It's really starting to bother me that he asked for my number yet hasn't texted me or anything. Should I be worried, should I even care?!

Anyway, as regards to my feelings today. I was able to fake it another day. I still fucking hate myself. That's really the short of it. As I was talking to my best friend earlier this week, she kept reminding me why I am a good person, and don't deserve to treat myself the way I do. Yes, I hear it, my brain processes the words, my heart wants to believe it, but then my mind pushes me out of the one bit of happiness I feel and make me go "Nah, you are not a good person. You deserve to be dead." I am not going to lie, living like this is shit. It's frustrating. It's annoying. I don't enjoy walking around feeling like this, in case you all thought I did. Depression is my cloak and hatred follows me wherever I go. I envy the people who have good self esteem, because at least they have a life worth living.

To be honest right now, I want to cut. I was taught to cut. By someone who I thought was close to me, only to keep on hurting me. It is almost as if it was their calculated attempt to hide my feelings from the world and show how to turn them inward. I think the saddest thing about me cutting is that it always eased my feelings of guilt, shame, anger, self hatred. It was what I used as a release and the best way for me to control my feelings. One simple cut to the wrist, thigh, or anywhere sensitive was my distraction to the larger pain.

Over the past few months my self-destruction has taken forms of many things. Cutting, more cutting, starting to drink alcohol, starving myself, pushing everyone away. I pushed EVERYONE away, even the ones who loved and cared for me. I always told myself that the good will always turn to bad, and I should ruin my success before good happens in my life. I never really knew the logic behind that and why I thought it, but it always kinda been my to live by rule. I'm not getting better, and living in this world is really starting to piss me off. I have to stay strong though, for my parents, my little brother, my best friend, and my potential best friend Zachary. Life is not over yet... Even if how I feel inside is. I may be dead inside, but my heart is still beating. That's enough to make it through.

Yours truly,

Audrey M.

Closing the book to my journal, I sighed and checked my phone. No call from Zachary, no text. I mean, I don't know why I even expected that he'd bother to talk to me, he probably just forgot about me by now anyway. Besides, I should not let it bother me, I have school tomorrow anyway. The last thing I need to to worry about whether a boy was going to text me or not right? Rightttt. Maybe if I just go to bed and start to dream i'll forget about everything that happened today. Maybe i'll forget about wanting to hurt myself. Maybe i'll forget about being unhappy.