Say My Name

Chapter One

Change is something everyone wants, but no one is willing to work for.

For example, every year in January you hear people say they want to lose weight. What do you think they do after setting that false plan? They go buy memberships to the gym and for a solid month the gym will be packed with dedicated enthusiasts. By the time you hit month 2 or 3, the gym is nearly empty again.

People always say they want change, but is never willing to work for it.

I'm a victim of that.

Every day I say I want to change, to be happy, to wake up one day and not hate myself.

Let's get something straight though. Depression doesn't just 'go away' one day. It does not decide to just disappear because you want to change. You don't control depression, it controls you. Basically what i'm trying to say is I still hate myself, and I say I want to change every day. The thing is, I never actually try to accomplish that goal I so desperately strive for. My mind is too weak to ever be able to fight the beast inside my head.

♡

The blaring sound of the alarm goes off, my eyes opening groggily. I quickly slam on the top, putting the covers back on my head. Pretending I didn't hear the deafening sound of my much hated alarm, I close my eyes, trying to go back to sleep. Let me tell you, it does not take long to achieve that goal. Of course, my lovely mother is on me soon after, barging into my room and opening the curtains so the light from outside can happily do its job for once and make me blind.

"Good morning Audrey!" My mother screams, causing me to groan. I stare blankly at the ceiling, letting my thoughts cloud my mind to the point where I immediately regret waking up.

Wow, alive another day you waste of space.

Just stay in bed, you won't accomplish anything today anyway.

Told you to attempt suicide days ago.

"Audrey! Get up! You can't be late to therapy again!" My mom shakes me, ripping the covers off. No matter how hard I try to ignore the screams, her voice breaks through any mental sound barrier I can possibly build.

Loud ass woman.

She's always been the super excited type. She likes to believe she can accomplish every task available in a day. She treats therapy as if it's something you can just wake up one morning and want to do.

I just wish she could understand how hard it is to just do simple things like seek out for help.

"Mom. It's a Saturday morning. I've had school all week, and I'm tired!" I whine, trying to give her my adorable I don't want to move out of this bed please go away stare. My mother continues to open my blinds, before sitting at the foot of my bed. She forcefully smiles, trying to keep up the positive attitude. I know she's doing it for me. I know me not complying only stresses her out.

"Addy please! This is the same thing you did when you were starting to get bad again."

"I'm not getting bad again mom. Please just go away and let me sleep my day away."

"Addy please. We go through these petty arguments EVERY single day. You never want to do anything. Sweetheart, you only have to go every other weekend, and it'll make you feel better." She stops, the silence becoming more comfortable.

"Your therapist said you've been improving a lot, he wants you to try a group session today. I just want you to be happy. I don't want to see you in so much pain as you were in before. I could not help you then, but atleast I can try my best to help you now." She says, her voice becoming soft and pained.