Say My Name

Audrey's Suicide Note

Zachary. We've burned ourselves hopelessly to the idea of love. When you died it made me think, was it ever enough to just let the fire die? Pain seeks to every inch of our systems,
Bleeds to every part of our existences.
How can we break to grieve when all we strive is to give love that's never needed?

We've all been in love with people who didn't love us back.
We've been loved by people who we didn't love back.
But then you have to think which is worse : To be broken or to break another?

You decided to break me before I could break you Zachary. You destroyed me.

I was not meant for this world. I never was. It's crazy the way depression takes hold of you as well as destroys you. It's crazy how easily people can say they are okay and everyone believes it. Even when they are far from okay.

Some people are just not made for this world. They just don't belong here. I'm one of them. I was a mistake. I was born into this world forcefully, then forced to grow up, go to school, live up to the expectations of everyone. I couldn't take myself, and I could not take others.

I've had a few boyfriends, all in which left me because they saw who I really was... They saw how much I hated myself and they saw the pain in my eyes. Don't believe it when people say boys will kiss your scars and fix you.

They won't.

When boys see something they don't like, they don't try to fix it.

They leave.

Then I met Zachary... I don't know what it was, whether it was the way he looked at me or the way he said my name.. It was instant attraction. I liked his voice, the smell of his cologne, his passion for comics. I loved how his eyes lit up seeing me even when I was not the happiest person to see. I loved how he did not pressure me into anything, how he let me do things on my own pace. How he did things for me even if he did not personally want to.

I loved how he stood up for me....

I loved how he loved me.

I should of known from the beginning he was a good liar. In therapy he admitted he cut, he was depressed. Suicidal. I knew this. He did so well at hiding, he was so good at pretending his depression did not exist. Even though every single day I bet he was figuring out a plan of when and how he will end his life.

Then I realized that boy which I thought was perfect, really wasn't. he had flaws just like everyone else, he was not any more special than the next guy, but I loved him so. That boy who I loved, ended up hurting me in the end, but he did not know what he was doing, so Zachary I forgive you.

Zachary was only a star in the sky, but my whole world.

Even though he may not of been special, he had a big part in my life, which I will never forget until the day I die.

Mother, father. I didn't forget about you guys too in this letter.

Thank you for treating me well. Thank you for giving me a good life even when I could not fully appreciate it. Thank you for trying your hardest to make sure I stayed alive.

But.

I have seen through the lies of everyone I know, I've heard death's whispers as I sleep, I try to understand why it stalks me but leave myself with more questions.

I've continually tried to hide from myself so I wouldn't discover the hold that death has on me.

So dear mother and father, I wish you well, I have nothing left in this world worth living for.

I keep thinking of moving forward but I can see I'm moving backwards, I can't believe what life has become of me.

I am nothing but dirt from the ground, built to destroy myself and make the ones I love suffer around me.

If hell is real I pray for heaven to be waiting for me, If you can believe one thing believe I've been dead since birth. But let's be real. Suicide isn't forgiven by God... I'm going to hell.

So dear mother and father, please buy my favorite roses, and lay them on my grave. Clayton, Stephanie, I hope I don't see you soon, and I hope you can forgive me. Clayton you may be too young now to know what I did, and I hope you'll grow up not being sad about losing a sister.

Left with nothing but death in me, and I know one day everyone will forget me, so dear family and friends just know, I've been dead since birth, and it was only meant to be.

Goodbye.