Say My Name

Chapter Thirteen

Zachary was announced dead on arrival this morning.

He was right. The police knocked on my door at 2 am, saying those dreaded words as I immediately fell on the ground crying.

"Zachary Anderson committed suicide on May 25th, 2016 at 9;00 pm. He died from an overdose and excessive amount of bleeding. I'm sorry for your loss Audrey."

I'm sorry for your loss.

The pain I feel right now was the worst pain I have felt in ages. I just lost my boyfriend to his mental illness. I was most likely the cause of his death too. Hours before he killed himself I yelled at him. I made him feel worse than he already did. I pushed him to do what he did.

The last words I said to him.

The last words I said to him was the words that killed him.

My parents tried holding me, followed by my little brother's hug. They kept whispering in my ear, "It's not your fault. You are not the reason for his death." But I was not ready to hear that bullshit. It was my fault. I failed to help the one person that mattered to me. It was my fault. It's always my fault. Every damn day. It was my fault fault he was suicidal. It was my fault he stayed. Right now I feel nothing. Although I feel it all. I just want to sit here on the ground and fucking cry. He said killing himself was not just for him. He's doing it for me. No. He did it to save me pain. To save me from feeing like I was worthless.

I couldn't deal with the pain of not having him. I also couldn't deal with everyone telling me it would be alright. It will not be alright. I quickly ran to my room, sniffing as I grabbed a pile of paper, a pencil, and a picture of Zachary and I kissing. I soon then ran into my parent's room and grabbed a gun, slipping it into my backpack. I quickly went back downstairs, grabbing my mother's keys and leaving the house before anyone was able to question where I was going. Throwing the backpack to the side of me, I quickly sped to Stephanie's house and rang the bell, a response coming soon after. Stephanie gave me a blank stare and kept quiet, before I decided something need to be said. I tried to cover the puffiness of my eyes, refusing to meet hers.

"Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?" She asked. She seemed concerned, but in this world you can't trust the tone of someone's voice.

"Zachary committed suicide." I responded, my voice cracking. She immediately went in to hug me, before I denied, pulling her back.

"I'm not here to be your friend again!" I snapped, my face reddening even more. I continued on.

"The only reason I'm here is because I promised Zachary I'd talk to you again! This will most likely be the last time I will ever talk to you! I will never forgive you for what you said, and you are a horrible friend for saying it. All I ask is next time, don't bother walking into people's lives for your own benefit! Don't be a person's friend just because you think you can fix them, or you feel bad for them! Don't treat a person like that! Zachary didn't deserve to die but I sure do. Goodbye Stephanie. I hope you love with constant guilt for the rest of your fucking life!" I whimpered. Walking away, she quickly followed before I got in the car and drove off.

I made my peace with Stephanie.
Now it was my time.

-

I pulled out the sheet of paper, quickly trying to write the pros and cons of living.

Pros:
• I wouldn't have to feel any more pain.
• Everyone would be happy to not have to deal with me.
• I would be with Zachary.

Cons:
• I wouldn't get to see if life gets better.
• My brother Clayton needs me.
• Zachary wouldn't want me too.

After spending a good hour writing a list of the pros and cons of living, I tore the sheet of paper, throwing it on the ground. Parking into the parking lot of my therapy room, I grabbed my bag and went to the third room, right where Zachary and I first met. I pulled up two chairs, setting them in the same place we sat before. Tears quickly started streaming down my cheeks, the immense pain once again coming back when I looked at the empty chair.

"When I first met you Zachary, I immediately knew I wanted you to be my boyfriend. I hated myself, and I still hate myself. I thought why would a boy like you date a girl like me. But you did it. You managed to like me. You managed to see something no one saw in me. You hid your pain and anger towards yourself to make sure I didn't kill myself. You let me in your world of comic books. You took my virginity. You did not stop until I completely forgot about my pain. You loved me so much. I wish you knew how much I loved you. I'm sorry I was bad at showing it.... I'm sorry that I didn't check enough to make sure you were okay. I'm so sorry I was a horrible girlfriend. I just wish I had you right now. I miss you so much. I love you." I broke out, staring at the chair my cheeks soaking up my cheeks. I let the pain come through. Eventually, after everything calmed down I grabbed the rest of the paper, and began writing quickly. I filled up the papers quickly, getting to my fourth sheet before I finished, taping it to the chair Zachary once sat on.

I opened my bag, pulling out that gun I was so eager to have. Calmly, I put the gun to my head, and stared at the picture of Zachary one more time.

And then?
I pulled the trigger.