"She's woke!" A stentorian voice shouted.
I opened my eyes slowly, Stephanie all up in my face with a concerned smile.
As soon as I opened my eyes though, I wish I didn't because I was filled with an immense amount of pain. I whimpered, letting out a sharp cry as Stephanie yelled, my favorite old bitch Doctor running in.
"Are you okay?" He asked, examining my face.
I looked down, sighing.
"No I'm not okay." I replied, holding back the tears I knew were coming.
"Audrey, did you try to commit suicide last night?"
There it goes. The question I was always asked, the one I always lied about.
I hesitated, my eyes watering before I took a deep breath, looking him straight in the eyes.
"Yes, I tried to kill myself last night."
Instead of rolling his eyes, being the sarcastic bitch he always was, he gave me a soft stare, for once understanding why.
"I'm sorry for your loss Audrey. We will put you on stronger pain medication and get you help."
I nodded me head, watching him walk out the room before bursting out in tears, my breathing becoming heavier.
"I was never trying to fix you." Stephanie said, trying to ignore the fact I was crying. She knew I hated it when people pointed out I was about to cry. Every time I was, she'd give me the same old stare before going into a story.
"I guess I was just hurt. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at Zachary. I wanted to hurt him, make him feel bad about himself. I never thought by hurting you, I was going to assist in his death. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
I glimpsed at Stephanie, her beautiful brown hair falling gracefully on her saddened eyes.
"It's okay. The past is the past. It's not your fault he did what he did." I whispered, gesturing my scarred arms for her to hug me. She kissed me on the cheek, something she always did.
"Je t'aime Addy." She whispered in my ear, the tears falling down again.
"Je t'aime aussi." I started bursting in tears, her grasp on me numbing the pain a bit.
"It's going to be alright Audrey....
It's going to be alright.
-
After the pain subsided, and I was clear to go home, I shut my door, locking it before jumping into my bed.
I do not know how to deal with the pain of losing my first love, and honestly in the moment I just wanted to try suicide attempt #2.
With all these issues though, i'm going to go back to rehab so I can "Get my mind right" and stop being a "Danger to myself".
People do not understand that it is hard to lose someone you love, and it's hard to lose them to something so fatal like depression.
On top of that, because I was in the hospital I missed Zachary's funeral, and I feel terrible. In the moment I just wanted to talk to him, to let him him know i'm okay. I needed an instant relief so I pulled out a piece of paper and began to write;
Zachary,
I loved my name when it came out of your mouth. I loved when you said it. Now, it's only a bitter feeling when I hear it being called.
I hate you.
Okay, Maybe I do not hate you but I am very mad at you. Or maybe i'm not even mad at you, but I am mad at myself.
I wish I could of seen through your lies, and saw that you were not okay. Being the depressed person I was, it should of been easy. I should of been able to quickly tell. I'm also sorry I missed your funeral.
It's been hard without you babe. I've been in so much physical and emotional pain since you killed yourself and I wish you knew that it did not effect only you but everyone around you. I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago because I could not handle being in a world without you.
I wish you honestly knew that I love you, and care about you so much. I wish we could of gotten married, had kids, spent our life together. I wish I could of helped you through it. I wish I could of been there.
But it's over now, to everyone, by next year you will just be another teenage suicide statistic, but to me, you will always be my fallen angel, my one and only, the love of my life. You were my first love, my first sexual partner, the first person I truly wanted to marry. Although you are not here anymore, there will never be a day where I will forget about you.
I love you Zachary. I truly do.
I loved it most when you said my name.
From your future wife,
Audrey. (Addy)
YOU ARE READING
Say My Name
Romansa"But Zachary remember this.... Although you are alone. You are not unwanted." Audrey knows nothing about how it feels to be happy. She lives each and every day with her inner thoughts, constantly dragging her down into a state of misery and self d...
