A love so hard {finished}

Chapter 10

Hey!!! Ive been away for awhile, that's why I posted so many chapters recently at once. I knew I was going to take a break and read a little instead of write.
Hopefully I'll write more!
I'm so exited and full of ideas now!
Thanks to all of you still reading!

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*{Stiles POV}*
Then, I woke up.
I have had the same dream for a couple of days, me and Derek having our own little pack.
I didn't know of it was only a dream, my dream or just me imagining. I couldn't really see the future so it probably wasn't a vision, sadly.
I knew Derek hadn't been dreaming the same, he wasn't really fond of kids, nor "annoying teenagers who can't shut up"
I guess I was one of them...

- Morning Stiles, I heard Derek whisper with a raspy voice.
I turned around to look at him. His eyes were closed and he barely smiled.
- I thought you had stuff to do today?
- Yeah, later. He said and sighed.
- Ugh, you're never home, I said annoyed.
- I haven't been for a couple of days, it's nothing.
- You're only home when I sleep! I never see you anymore.
He didn't say anything, just exhaled heavily.
- When you don't say anything I'll make assumption you don't want me to make! I said and sighed.
- You're moving back to your house today. I can't keep you here... He said quietly. 
He sat up on the bedside and looked down.
I couldn't believe it. I wanted to stay here, but I knew myself I couldn't.
- Is it because of my dad? I asked silently.
- It's no ones fault, but he's coming back today. He loves you very much and you should be with him from now, he said it in a weird way. Determined, yet unsure and unwilling. 
It was true, we haven't had a good talk in a while. Mostly just small words.
He must have been lonely.
- You're right, I said and stood up. I threw a shirt over my head and stopped for a second when Derek stood in front of me.
Damn, is it weird that I like it when he looked almost mad?
- You can't come back, he said and squeezed his hand tightly, looking down.
A lump formed in my chest. Those words cut deeper than any knife could.
- What? I said silently.
He pushed my back a little and looked weak.
- You're a trigger Stiles! It's only a matter of time before you get hurt again! You were on the deathbed last time and I'm not letting that happen again! I meant it last time, everyone around me gets hurt!
I stood in silence for a second before a tear fell down my cheek.
- I don't want to leave, I and I know that you don't want me to leave. I think you're already hurt, that's why you're doing this! But guess what?! Drowning yourself in sorrow won't fix anything! You need to just let thing happen because of fait.
If I was meant to love you, then I will fight for you! I said and my tears poured down from my eyes.
He didn't say anything and I opened my mouth as if to say something, but kept shut.
I was going to walk away, but Derek grabbed my arm.
I pulled my arm back and stormed out.
I ran down the stairs and before I was going to open the door, I stopped.
I knew he was standing behind, anyone would could feel his deep breaths on my shoulder.
- Just a trigger... I whispered quietly before running out and slamming the door shut behind me.
I ran and ran and ran, without looking back.
The tear after tear fell and each one draining me of energy and willpower to keep running.
I didn't know what to feel, all of the feelings I had morphed into one hard lump in my chest, pounding over and over again.
I felt the asphalt under my feet turn into rocky and uneven road, I was almost home.
It was bright but my mind was clouded, imagining it was dark.
This was unreal to me, I felt hurt.
The sad part about it was that I was hit with reality.
I would probably be hurt again around him as long as I was a trigger, "he lost control"
But I didn't care! He strong pull I felt for him was like a huge magnet.
My favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
Before we got together he made me feel unsafe, threatened. And he still did sometimes.
When he refused to open up I felt pushed away and unimportant,
I guess I would never know his true feelings about me, I will always have to assume.
That tore me down each day not knowing if I truly was only a trigger, or if he felt something more.
And if I stopped being his trigger, what would happen? Would I be completely unthinkable and repulsive to him? Would it be back to normal or would he have legit feelings for me?
In that moment I kind of wished I died in the hospital. No amount of physical pain could measure to my inner fight. Not now, not ever.
Finally I fell to my knees and my hands landed on the ground, scraping up my palms.
I screamed of frustration and sorrow.
I didn't want to go further, but I knew I had to.
I got up and slowly finished walking home.
I pulled the keys out from under the "welcome home" rug.
I didn't feel welcome, nor home.
I twisted the key and nearly collapsed walking in.
I found the energy to go upstairs and walking into my room.
The window was open so stood completely still for a second thinking Derek climbed in.
He was the only one doing that.
When I realized how stupid I looked and that I only forgot to close it last time I sighed and rolled my eyes at myself.
I went over and closed the window. I went over to my chair and was going to sit down.
I almost collapsed on my chair but instead it rolled back and I landed on the ground making a loud noise.
- Uuuugh! I sighed and stood up, pulling my chair back and sat down.
I hit my hand against the desk, hard.
I was about to slam my fist against my table again but stopped and just rested my head in my arm instead.
It wasn't long before I fell asleep.
I can't remember that dream, it was just blank.
But then I snapped and instantly yelled out in fury.
I was frustrated and didn't know what to do anymore.
I was too tired to care about anything. Nothing at all.
When I sat there is my chair, staring on the crack in the ceiling.
The same crack I have been staring at so many nights since my mother died.
I wasn't capable of looking at anything or anyone else.
I sat long nights and stared into the ceiling, dead of thoughts.
Man, the memories hit me and wanted to tear up again.
I stopped myself from sobbing when I heard my dad close the door after he walked in.
I popped up from chair and stood still for a second before running down the stairs, almost tripping multiple times but making it down.
When I saw him we both stopped and stared in silence and shock for a moment.
Then I jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly.
I pressed my head in to his shoulder and he patted my head.
- Oh son, you're ok! He said with a tone of relief.
- I've missed you! I cried.
- I've thought about you every day and every second I was away, come on let's make some food. I nodded then changed my mind.
- Hey dad, would you mind if we order pizza? I think both of us are too tired for anything!
He laughed a little.
- I was hoping you'd say that. What do you want?
- A vegetarian without olives, and with some fries on the side, not crispy fries, well crispy fries but not extra crispy and some pizza salad and dressing. And strong dressing, I don't like the mild one, it's boring. And a Diet Coke or cherry Coke if they have it and oh! Some extra cheese on the pizza, and fries if available.
- Stiles! He laughed and shook his head.
- Just kidding, a normal vegetarian pizza!
He nodded and picked up the phone. I ran upstairs grinning to myself.
I threw myself onto the bed and sighed happily.
Wait, vegetarian pizza? I always order Hawaiian pizza, what wrong with me? And I'm pretty my dad wondered about it too.
I laughed to my self and turned around to lay on my side.
I realized I had an assignment for next week, wait? It's summerbreak!
What's wrong with me?! Ugh, I threw myself of the bed and sat down in my chair, spinning a turn before settling infront of the computer.
I opened it and started looking online.
I didn't chat with anyone, mostly because I didn't have anyone to talk to. Me and Scott had been drifting apart and barely talking. I'm sure we still have the same bond, but something was different, he almost seemed more angry the few times I texted him and he didn't get my sarcasm, almost like talking to... Derek.
Just the thought of him made me ball up my sheets in my hand of pain.
I loved him so much. God dammit Stiles, why do you fall for the worst people to fall for?
I was so annoyed by myself and let down by Derek.
Was he truly not going to talk to me again? The thought scared me. Like a lot.
Then ugly of being with someone else came up, and it was so weird. I felt like cheating, even though I wasn't even sure if me and Derek were together anymore.

Did he break up with me?

My eyes sprung open when I heard a noise outside my window. It was a reflex that it was Derek, not a sing,e bird had been there for years.
I didn't want to turn around to look, almost afraid to find anything... Or anyone.
I calmed myself down a little, saying to myself that it was just my imagination.
I turned around and of course... There he stood.
Damn I was furious. I sat up and wanted to stare at him angrily, but I'm pretty sure my mouth gaped and I just looked shocked.
- Stiles, he said without breaking eye contact. I need you, and you know that.
I stood up pretty far from him.
- Need me?! You threw me out like trash. Do you seriously think you can just storm into my room say sorry and I'll forgive you?! Being with you was the hardest thing ever, not knowing if I was just a trigger or something more!
Everything could just have been an illusion!
- I never meant for you to feel that way, I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore!  I almost yelled.
- You changed everything, for the better sure but now I don't know! You changed me!
- No Stiles, it's you who's changing me! Can't you see that! I've never given in to a trigger! But there is more to you, you're like a magnet.
He took a few steps towards me and I just kept stepping back closer to the wall, until I actually leant against the wall with Derek close to me.
- Oh really? Then why are you just treating me like trash like that? Is that what you have been planning to do the whole time?! But just thinking about me in bed makes you want me to stay! You don't love or want me!
I wanted to punch him but I couldn't, instead I just payed my dust against his shoulder and cried looking down.
- You want to controlling everyone around you, not thinking about their feelings. I cried without further energy.
- The hardest thing I've ever done is asking you to leave, I did it to protect you. I couldn't live with myself if I would hurt you again. If anyone would hurt you I'd rip out their throat, myself included, he said trying to make me look at him.
I slammed my head against the wall and exhaled heavily.
- Just, try to let go of control, only for a moment and let things have their own way? I said quietly and looked into his glassy eyes.
His then stiff body relaxed and I saw his face relaxing a little before he made a quick movement.
He cupped my cheek and kissed me, pushing me further against the wall.
I didn't want to let go, and I didn't have to. I kept kissing his still soft lips and felt his short stubble on my chin.
Shit, I need this. I need this so bad all the time.
I never wanted this to stop, sure I was still furious at him, but pressing my lips against his over and over again kind of sucked that out me. It was kind of like breakup sex, except I think we just got together again. 
I slammed my fist in the wall and wanted to yell, I didn't even know why anymore.
I stopped for a second and took a deep breath, pushing him away slightly. I knew I had to do that before it escalated further.
He looked at me with a huge question mark stamped on his face and I just sighed.
I stood on my toes to kiss him one last, short little time. I then looked at the window and before I could blink, he had climbed out and closed the window.

Fuck me, I though as I once again threw myself onto the bed and instantly fell asleep.

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Sorry again for the wait but I hope you like this chapter!

LY<3