I spent eight and a half years building all those walls. I took ages to meticulously forge that careful protection to hide behind. My world was a secret paradise. I held a singular key blocking off my mind and heart from feelings and hurt. I spent time to protect myself from emotional disasters. I was broken once too many, I vowed never to go back to suck openness with the world. It has betrayed me too many times. No one detected a thing, it was like a game I could play all by my lonesome. My mask was permeated delicately and surreptitiously. All those walls and protection were wasted in a few months time. One boy, one stupid decision, and one chance. Security built out of sand was washed away with presumptions of protection and promises of love. So here I am again, building the walls and locking the doors. Never again will I risk my world again. You can only break so many times before you shatter.
I wouldn't blame you though. With all sincerity I knew you weren't trying to cause damage. But you did. And I guess we can't always get what we want. Like a bittersweet melody, the words slurred together in my mind. Putting my best show face on, I gave you a bright smile, trying to assuage your childish fear of damaging my feelings. It was all good. No really, I'm fine...
With each step echoing down the empty hall, a bit of my heart crumbled beneath my feet. My safe haven was only a few feet away, I reminded myself, wrenching the door open, almost choking on unreleased tears. I slid to the cold tile floor and my half sobs echoed off the walls. I felt immediately disgusted. Don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry. The haunting faces of my old tormentors loomed over me like a bird waiting to feast upon its vulnerable prey. My mind flashed to the old days. Cowering beneath their cold hearted stares, the blows rained above my head like acidic rain, burning my skin at immediate contact. I bit my lip to control my crying. A few onlookers walked in, asking if I was okay. I was far gone, unable to contact. My response was merely a few gasps and cries. As if mind readers, they picked up the problem and fled, going to find you. I'm assuming someone told you of my mental demise in the girl's bathroom because I was so nonchalant when you broke the news to me. I remember the expression on your face. Your features twisted into some newborn worry. Did you think I would cry with you watching? or were you waiting for the smack that happens to show up in every movie involving a boy dumping a girl? I bet you weren't expecting that though.
I don't know how you found out, but you did. And then these same girls were back telling me you were out there crying too. And that's what got my attention. I felt guilt rise in my stomach, making me feel nauseous. I went out there, trying to look unaffected by the night's affairs. You looked so apologetic...so sorry...so...broken. I didn't like seeing you like that so I got away as soon as I could. I was breaking. And you didn't deserve to see that.
You tried talking to me but I couldn't look at you. I was never mad at you. Ever. I was only mad at myself for being so stupid, so naive for falling in the first place. I mentally slapped myself. I spent so much time building each and every wall, making everything so safe. Yet I tossed out all those rules for one boy, all in one night. As if the rules were nothing I let you in, and this was my fault. My flaw in plans. The walls were useless once someone had access inside. I could tell you had been crying, it wasn't too hard, and I'm pretty sure you could tell I was too. How stupid. Never let them see you when you're weak...You said it wasn't me and I couldn't hear the rest. A roaring in my ears and thudding in my heart prevented my ability to respond. I tore away from the conversation to catch myself before I said anything. I didn't want to stand in the middle of the hallway and bare my feelings, my soul, whatever my heart was saying. Especially not to people who could hear.
So here I am back at the beginning, reforging protection, rebuilding the walls. Broken beyond repair, I look bitterly at the past. Maybe it's karma, maybe fate is just a damn bitch. But all of this? Why me? My memory flashed and I saw bits of it all. From the flagpole to the lockers. From the lockers to the dumpsters. The knife, the blood, the tears. I hated it all and I wanted to rip away the the memories, relish my anger until they were nothing more than cowering shreds of what they once were. Haunting me forever, i wondered if they'd ever go away.
I don't think I'll ever let down the walls again. I can't bear another night like that. I'm not invincible. Sure, I'm pretty fucking amazing at faking things but I don't know how much longer I can go without breaking for everyone to see. To the world? I'm Miss 'No Way, It's All Good.' To myself...I'm practically a shell.
Maybe that matters, maybe it doesn't. To me, it's indifference. I pledged to not break down the new barriers, make them stronger than ever. Hiding a broken heart will never heal it but eventually...it'll turn into apathy.
I'm so sorry I overreacted. I'm sorry I made you feel bad.
But above all, I'm sorry that I let you talk yourself into my heart.
Sincerely
Miss 'No Way It's All Good'
A/N: Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?
