Life After Mockingjay

Chapter Thirty Three; Lost

I wake up with a start. I assume I've had a nightmare, because I'm covered in my own sweat. But I don't remember having one, I didn't wake up in the middle of it, nor is my heart beating quickly.

I lay there, closing my eyes over and over again, attempting to get a few more hours of sleep.

I shake my head, knowing that there is no way I will find sleep again. Not after last night. Not after Peeta and I's falling out. Not after finding out he blames me for his family dying. I can't stop thinking about it. It was your arrow that killed mine.

I drag myself out of bed tip toe over to the bathroom connected to Haymitch's guest bedroom. I turn the small lamp on, and splash my face with some cold water.

I dry my face in Haymitch's soft towel, keeping my eyes closed for a moment, knowing as soon as they open I have to face the world yet another day.

I stand back, looking myself up and down in the mirror. It's then that I see a small mark of red towards the bottom of my night gown. I examine the area, to realize that it was not sweat that I am soaked in. It's blood. It's my own blood.

An unexplainable fear shoots through me. I am unable to speak. I know what this means. I've seen it happen before. My worst nightmare is coming true. I've lost the baby.

I fall to the ground. I don't know what to do. I scream. I scream louder than I ever have for Haymitch over and over again. For what, though? Surely I have lost the baby already.

When he sees me, sitting on the floor, covered in my own blood and screaming, he knows what is happening. His jaw drops as he yells to Effie to get Peeta. I rest my head back on the wall and stare off at the ceiling; wanting to fade into nothing. Feeling that excruciating feeling of pure worthlessness again.

I killed Peeta's family, Finnick, Cinna, Prim, My baby.

It feels like hours pass before I see Peeta walk through the bathroom door. His face already tear stained, but it now shows a look of pure horror. He lifts grabs a towel out of the cabinet, and places it between my thighs. He does not make eye contact with me as he lifts me, holding me tighter than ever before.

I cry. My tears soak through the fabric of his shirt. I stare up at him, watching his own tears fall to the ground.

"It's okay, Katniss." He whispers, stroking my hear. "You're going to be okay."

I know he is trying to stay strong for me, but there is no reason at this point. He sits me down in the car, and we drive full speed to the clinic, neither of us saying a word; just the steady, ongoing sound of my sobs.

Peeta lifts me, and carries me into the hospital frantically. I don't quite make out everything he says, hence the fact that I am digging my face so hard into his chest I'm probably hurting him.

He runs with a nurse down a small corridor. That's the only thing I remember before I black out.

+++

I feel the wet cloth on my forehead. I smell his sweet scent. I hear the machines beeping next to me, but I can't seem to wake.

I am weak. I can barely think straight. The only thing going through my head is the day's events.

I manage to move my arm, placing it on my abdomen

It's still large.

I pry my eyes open, staring up at the ceiling, and then over to Peeta who is staring down at me.

He smiles when he sees me open my eyes. His face shows many emotions. There are bags under his ocean blue eyes. I know he hadn't slept last night. There are still signs of tears on his skin. The look of terror still shows as he examines me.

"Katniss." He whispers, placing a light kiss on my cheek. "I was so worried."

"Peeta, the.. th-ohh," I moan, a strong pain overtaking me. I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. I clench my abdomen and grab fistfuls of the bed sheets. I throw my head back and wait for the pain to subside. I groan, gritting my teeth and finally feeling slight relief.

"The baby." I manage to croak. "All I remember is... Is bleeding. Did we lose it?"

"No." He says, a small tear trickling down his face. "You're in labor, Katniss. The bleeding was caused by the expansion of your cervix. You're fine. The baby is fine."

"Oh my god." I whisper, reaching out for him as he wraps his loving arms around me. I nuzzle my head into his shoulder, letting out a short sob.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He coos, stroking my tangled hair.

"I'm sorry for everything, Peeta. The snapping at you, and saying I didn't know why we were married. I love you and I don't want to lose you. Thinking I lost the baby gave me a rude awakening, and I realized that we can't be mad at each other; not now."

"I'm so sorry, Katniss." He says, embracing me in a hug. "I did not mean anything I said to you. I was just... Mad. It's been hard; not having my family, but you, Willow, and Lillian are my family. You three are the only girls I need."

"I love you." I say as another contraction approaches. I clench Peeta's hand, cursing impulsively under my breath as it feels like my insides are being ripped out.

"I'm glad to see you are awake!" I hear Valeria say as she peers through the door. "I'm so relieved that you and the baby are healthy. You definitely gave me a scare, Katniss. But, I checked everything out, and you are perfectly healthy."

She pulls up a chair, sitting in front of me. "I explained to Peeta what happened, but I am going to explain it to you further. Did Peeta tell you?"

I nod.

"Well, your cervix was not separating properly during your pregnancy. As the baby got larger and lowered, it was separating at an incredibly fast pace, causing heavy bleeding and abdominal pain. This doesn't happen often, so I can see why you though the baby was not in good conditions. I can assure you, though, this was just your body's way of preparing for a vaginal birth."

I nod, tuning her out slightly as another contraction hits. I throw my head back in agony as I groan.

Peeta places the wet rag back onto my head and whispers loving phrases into my ear.

"I'm going to check how far you have dilated." Valeria says in a sweet tone.

"Oh..." She says with a frown. "You've only progressed two centimeters. I thought you'd be farther along by now.

"Is that a problem?" Peeta says concerned.

"No, it is not a health risk, but I'm afraid Katniss may have to sit tight for at least another day. She has only progressed two centimeters in twelve hours. That isn't a good sign."