Life After Mockingjay

Chapter Thirty Five; Away

My face is caked with tears and I can barely catch my breath. The only thing I can seem to focus on is Peeta's wide smile, small tears welling in the corner of his eyes as he cuts the umbilical cord.

I wipe my own tears as I lay back, breathing heavily. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, still feeling great pain everywhere.

I look over to Peeta, who is holding our child. He has the biggest smile on his face, and it enlarges when I catch his eye. He walks steadily over to me, placing him carefully in my arms.

I stare down at him, my son. I'm sobbing into Peeta's shoulder, touching my child's small nose and looking at his every feature.

"Your hair, Peeta." I croak, playing with the small tufts of bright blonde hair on his head.

He smiles, rubbing my back reassuringly and placing a small kiss of pride and happiness on my temple.

"Oh, gosh, Peeta." I say with a short sob as I wrap one arm around him and one protectively around our son. "I'm just... so happy. I love you."

"I love you." He says, placing his hand on our son's head. "We have a son, Katniss." He says chuckling softly.

"I know." I whisper, holding him up and placing a feathery light kiss on his nose. "You were definitely a surprise, little one." I whisper, smiling widely at the sight of my son. It's amazing, really. After nine months, he is finally in my arms. Words can not describe the fulfillment I feel.

"What are we going to call him?" Peeta asks, brushing the tears off of my face lightly with his thumb and stroking my hair.

"I- I don't know." I smile. "We were expecting a girl, you know."

"Well, we definitely can't name him Lillian." Peeta laughs.

"You choose." I say, looking up at Peeta and then back to our son.

"No, I couldn't do that, Katniss." He shakes his head. "You carried him for nine months, and you just went though an excruciating delivery. You pick."

"Peeta, I insist." I say, squeezing his hand. "You're his father. Just give me an idea."

We wait a few moments, thinking. "Rye." He finally whispers, staring at him in adoration. "He looks like a Rye."

"Rye." I test it out. "I love it, Peeta. Rye Mellark."

"Rye Mellark." Peeta whispers, repeating himself.

I stare down at my son-our son-he is so beautiful. As he opens his great big eyes I can't help but smile at the sight of the color. Gray eyes. Just like mine. He wriggles around in my arms, still whimpering.

"Would you like to hold him again, Peeta?" I ask, pulling him out of his daze.

He smiles, nodding and I hand Rye to Peeta. He is so careful. He supports his head right away and coos him.

Sometimes I'm jealous of Peeta's parenting skills. He was made for this. I truly believe he was put on this earth to be a loving father; and an even more loving husband.

I lean back, finally being able to rest as I straighten my legs to the best of my ability. My back is killing me, along with my abdomen. I sigh, finally getting a few hours of sleep.

+++

"Mrs. Mellark, Please wake up. Your baby is hungry." I open my heavy eyes to see Peeta desperately trying to calm Rye down.

I sit up with a groan, holding my arms out for him.

I take my shirt off, not seeming to care that there are three nurses in the room. After Willow, I've named myself expert of breast feeding. Especially since she needed fed constantly.

I coddle Rye in my arms, trying to feed him but he won't latch. I huff frustratedly, choking back tears. I probably look so dumb.

Peeta senses my frustration and comes to my side, rubbing my back. "Hey, what's wrong?" He whispers soothingly.

"I don't know why he won't latch."

I try to calm Rye down, but nothing will work. He continues to scream at the top of his little lungs and grab fistfuls of my hair.

"I will take him." A nurse says annoyedly. "We will bottle feed him in the nursery."

I nod, leaning back and letting the tears out.

"God, I'm the worst mother ever. I went to sleep just minutes after the birth of my son. How long was he crying?" I sob, ignoring the excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. "How long was I asleep? His own mother neglected him!"

"Katniss, calm down. It's okay." Peeta says, sitting on the edge of the bed and wiping my tears gently. "You were asleep for less than a half hour. Rye was only crying for a few minutes. I understand that you need some sleep, sweetie."

I nod. It's not often that Peeta calls me by nicknames.

"You did not neglect him in any way."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I- I don't know. I'm just in so much pain, Peeta and it won't go away. It's stressing me out and I just feel terrible that he wouldn't latch." I whisper.

"Hey, it will be okay. If he won't latch, you can pump milk and we can bottle feed him. Everything will work out in the end, I promise."

I nod, laying back and staring at the ceiling. I have to do things right for this baby. I can't shut the world out again. I can't think of myself, because I know that I need to protect this child and Willow. I can't attempt to kill myself over something that hurts me.

"I'm just scared, Peeta. More scared than I was with Willow."

"Why is that?" He asks, grasping my hand.

"Because I found out I was pregnant with Rye while I was in the hospital... For attempting to kill myself.. I don't want him to have to suffer like Willow did; wondering why her mother was gone for two weeks.. Wondering why she tried to hurt herself." I don't realize I'm crying.

"Katniss, you know that Willow loves you. She didn't understand. I know that Rye loves you too... And I love you most of all."

"Peeta, I was just thinking. I'm so happy, but I still live in fear. I'm terrified of hurting myself again, or worse- hurting the children. We have two children now, which means two times the work. Two times the love. I don't want to mess this up."

"You're the most amazing mother I've ever seen." Peeta looks as if he may start to cry. "Willow adores you, you know that."

"It's just little things... Like Rye not latching. It made me think I did something wrong. Even if I didn't.. I feel like I'm failing as a mother."

"Katniss, does this have something to do with our fight? That was the first time we've fought like that, and you know I feel terrible. More than you can imagine."

"I just think I need to go away for a while. One week. Dr. Aurelius said he highly recommended it when I was in the hospital.. It's a treatment in the capital."

That's when Peeta loses it.