Neverland

7.

I did spend the night over Kelsey's. As much as she annoyed me, she always had this bright aura around her that I enjoyed. We watched a bunch of horror movies and ordered pizza but didn't eat. I don't quite remember the rest of the night. I ditched the bible's study to go the beach with some of the kids from school. They brought coolers and I brought- well whatever else they needed.

I didn't mind sharing without a price this time which surprised Lindsay. I didn't really care for beer that much but wouldn't turn it down.

To my surprise, Heather showed up. She had her fluffy hair out and past her shoulders and she wore a dress that complimented her in all the right places.

"This is the first time I saw you actually at one of these events," I commented and she smiled at me.

I really liked her smile.

"I had to squeeze in a few of them before graduation. I've just been so caught up with work, you know preparing for the real world." She responded, her voice was soft.

We didn't need to talk about the real world. She was too young to get caught up.

"I'll make sure you have a good time." I promised her. We had a few more beers together after that and in all honesty, I wasn't even drunk, but she was. She was a light weight.

The other kids were playing music and dancing around in the sand, while I sat near the water. It was pretty early in the morning by this time. Probably 2 AM.

Heather came to join me and offered me another beer while she stumbled. I took the beer from her hands and helped her sit down next to me.

"This is your first time, isn't it?" I asked her and she nodded. "I never really come to these events because I know what goes on during them. My friends tell me what happens," I could already hear the judgement in her voice.

She was talking about how intense these events really got. I didn't say anything, just stared at the crashing waves.

"I feel like half of us aren't even going to last out there. It's like our generation is the last to really keep everything together because after us......the generation after us follows in our footsteps, and we only lead to either disaster or devastation." Heather rocks back and forth and I rub her back. I think she was going to vomit soon.

"That's why you should come out to these parties more before you have to make all those big executive decisions. You won't be able to have fun anymore." I insist and Heather giggles.

"You can always have fun, you just have to be more mindful about it as grown up." Heather reminds me.

"You don't belong here," I suddenly say and she frowns. I couldn't help it though. It was like word vomit.

"What?" She asks and I struggled to find the right words to say.

"This scene. The shit we usually do on a Saturday night...you don't belong here in it. We're just zombies always searching for a graveyard to rest in." I inform her and she smiles and shakes her head.

"Kristen, you aren't a zombie...you're like one of those." She slurred and pointed towards the sky.

"A ball of gas?" I ask with a short laugh, referring to the stars.

"Yeah, sometimes we have to...explode in a big space of nothing before we shine."

"You're corny," I mumbled and she shoved my shoulder and smiled at me again.

She told me about her family life after that. How her dad was a lawyer, her mom a lawyer and her three older sisters all had some high end job, and she knew she had to follow in this footsteps, she wanted to become a politician. She cried a little bit too. Telling me she didn't like having to grow up the youngest and try to fill the big shoes of her siblings. I wanted to tell her, I felt the same way, but kept my mouth shut.

I just listened attentively.

"I think life is terrifying." She admitted, this time, she was sobbing. A typical first drunk.

"We all know how it's going to end. So why try at all? We all end up in the same hole. No matter our race, age, belief....we all die at the end." I replied back. Well now I sounded just flat out morbid.

"There has to be more. I'm sure of it." She spoke this with such a strong tone, as if she were trying to convince herself, because the latter was too disappointing to even think about." She was a meliorist thinker.

I had found the more in my life. I got that fix and I needed more of it. I brought some with me, but hadn't taken some since before I arrived. I wanted to see if I was really an addict or if I just wanted to be.

"The sun's coming up soon." Heather notes and I looked out to see if I could tell if it were peaking over the horizon. "That's what I tell myself. A new day is coming and I can start over and try again." I realize she wasn't talking about the actual sun this time.

"I hope you find it. And if you're going to, you probably shouldn't come to these parties again. We have our sun." I insist and Heather looks at me. Truly. Studying my face and as soon as we lock eyes, I turn away. She brings my face back and leans in, pressing her lips to mine and before I could actually register what was going on, she had pulled away.

"Why'd you kiss me?" I ask and she simply shrugged and stood up. "I hope you find your sun," And she stumbled away.

I sat there shocked for about 10 minutes and when I actually started to smile, I saw it: just over the horizon. Just as the stars disappeared in the sky, and the teenagers from my school gathered their things and headed home- I stared into the offing, the sun start to peak ever so.....I reached into my pocket, grabbed my baggie, reached into the bag I had brought, set up a few lines on a notebook and watched the sun rise alone.